Well I can say that my depression is back and has been here for a couple of days. I hate having bipolar 1 disorder. I haven’t talked to anyone the past couple of days and haven’t answered my phone as I just don’t have the strength to pick up my phone and answer it.

I finally went out today and went to my grandmas and visited for a little while thinking that would help by getting out and it didn’t. I ended coming back home and curling up in my blankets and shutting all the lights off in my room and listen to music. Hell I’m still doing hat as I’m writing this blog post. The cold weather don’t help matters either as it gives me cabin fever and that just makes my depression worse.

I know when to go and get the help should I need it as the last time I was like this I tried hanging myself just to make everything go away.

The only good thing about me having bipolar type 1 is the mania as then I have energy and wanna do anything that I can from cleaning to visiting my family and friends. All I wanna do is just lay in bed in the dark with my music and sleep and I hate that. I know my shot (abilify injections) is starting to wear off as the 30 days it’s supposed to last is coming to a sweet end as I have to get my next injection next week.

I know if I don’t get any better I am going to either drive myself or have someone drive me to Champaign to the hospital so that I can be admitted and get my medications adjusted again as this is getting to be a pain in my ass. I just hate having to go to the hospital in order to get this taken care of but one good thing is I treat it as a mini vacation. If it wasn’t for OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center in Urbana I more than likely wouldn’t be here today as they have saved my life 3 times now.

I keep getting told that if I need to talk to someone all I have to do is just call or text or show up and they will talk to me, but I never take them up on that offer because I think that I am putting a burden on them for having to deal with my issues. Then I’m told that if I don’t wanna talk to them to call the National Suicide Hotline, which I have before but I keep telling myself that there are more important people that could be using the time I’m using. This is a true struggle that I wish I didn’t have to deal with.

I use this blog as an extension of my life to explain what it going on in my life and this is what’s going on.

Well here’s to some more depressing days ahead of me and then hopefully I’ll feel better.