When I Knew…

 

    I knew that I was gay when I was in my younger years of life. I can’t remember exactly how hold I was but it was around 10-11 years of age when I had my very first experience. It was with my best friend at the time, J.S. We always hung out together and done everything together. We lived next door to each other in the apartment complex that we lived in at the time. One night we were home alone at his place and decided to watch some porn after we had found his parents stash of porn. After watching it we both got a little aroused and decided to try a few things. The first thing that we ever done was made out in his bed. That was the only thing that we done and kept doing for the longest time. Then he ended up moving out of the apartment complex and moved a few blocks away into a house. So we hung out at his house then almost all the time. We continued just the making out for a year or two and then we decided to do more things. The next thing we had done, was had sex. We had done that at his house when his parents were gone at work and tried it in every room of his house including his parent’s bed. We had gotten interrupted because his mother had called from work and said that she needed him to run something to her at work.

    We continued this so-called relationship for a couple of years until he moved again with his family to Missouri. Eventually they moved back, and I started dating his cousin (female). We never done anything together but kiss and I knew that I wasn’t attracted to her or any female in fact. I was attracted to males. I tried dating other girls and those relationships just never worked. I knew from then, that I was gay but that was something that no one ever talked about ever. Being gay was a disgust in those days. Whenever I heard the words gay come from someone’s mouth, it was always derogatory so I never spoke of it. Still today (2015) you still hear the horrendous words of the gay community in which is what was hard for me to come out. I have learned that I will never be able to be myself, if I can’t express myself or tell anyone. I never really told anyone until I was in my late teens.

    I have known for a long time that I was gay. I know that I am not messed up or anything in the matter. I have learned that I need to be open about myself and my sexuality and not worry what anyone has to say as there will always be ‘haters’ for anything and everything. So I will not allow myself to be ridiculed for being me. If someone has an issue with that, whether their family or friends, I don’t need them in my life and don’t want them in my life. If they can’t accept who I am then they can just move on.