Here lately I have like I am being used once again for others gains and get nothing in return. Well you can say I got something in return, gas money. Well you know what I don’t really call that getting anything in return. I get told/asked to do something and then they will do something for me that will make it worth my while and hell that never happens. I get told things will happen and that don’t happen.

Tonight I was asked to come back to town and pick someone up and take them to the bar where someone else is at and I will get gas money and it will be worth my while. Hell it was more of a pain in my fucking ass then anyting. I had his woman blowing up my phone to bring him back home. I get sick and tired of being drug into the drama it entails and get nothing. Then after I get home, I get another phone call to come pick him up and bring him back home and I will get gas money and thats it. Hell yea I was bought 2 drinks as well with one being my all time favorite drink, a shot of Red Headed Slut. When I left, I said I was going home and going to bed and not to bother me. Well I get home and get another phone call asking me to come back to Watseka, and pick him up bring him home. Well you know what I finally put my foot down, and put my phone on Do Not Disturb and I didn’t go back. Another thing, wanted my to come out in the dense ass fog when I could barely see to begin with. Well this boy didn’t do it.

I’m tired of bending over backwards for people and then getting nothing in return or things promised and guaranteed something and that just falls right through the cracks again. I think I am going to keep my phone on Do Not Disturb and if they want me they know where I live and they can bring their happy ass down here. I just feel like the pawn in their chess game, well this pawn in done playing chess. I’m done being a piece in this game and get nothing for playing that is worth anything to me. 

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t like being an asshole like this but I guess I’m gonna have to start. But when I do, he will always through something in my face and make me feel guilty. He knows how to play with my emotions especially when its hard enough for me to mess with my emotions with my bipolar.

So I believe I’m going to take my sleeping medication and just go to sleep and sleep my day away and worry bout nothing. I don’t know of anything else to do to make it clear. I just need time to myself and that will never happen as always. I know one thing he will through in my face is that “I’m the only one he can count on and depend on”. Which that is true. I always thought I could depend and count on him too but thats making me think thats all a lie. Ask him for something and it always turns into, We’ll See. I get so sick and tired of hearing that. Why not just say no if your not actually going to do anything for me. I’m just tired and going to start giving up on everything and everyone. There are times that he makes me feel like I am just being used and I hate that feeling.

One thing I know I need to do, is start cutting again, and I would feel so much better and relieved but if I did he would just say “stop being stupid” instead of talking to me or something. I just lay in my bed and cry most of the time and ask myself why do I do this. I just feel like total shit.

Something else that gets on my nerves from hell, is when I go to the bar with him there, the minute I walk in the door he has a comment to make, There’s Queer Boy! I get so sick and tired of hearing that and just makes me even more depressed but does this person give two shits, fuck no! He only give two shits about himself and whats going to benefit himself. I feel like I get walked all over and always have to cancel my plans that I make just to make him happy. I don’t mean to be mean but I have to have some outlet to be able to just vent and the best way is by writing on my blog and that makes me feel a little bit better. Here lately, I’ve just wanted to crawl into a ball and just die and not think about tomorrow.