Depression Strikes Back

Well part of my Bipolar has made a comeback. The past couple of days all I have done is stay in bed and completely ignore everyone. I have just wanted to be myself and no one understands that. I wish the depression would go away and never come back and just have to deal with the mania, but I know that won’t happen. I have my highs and then I have my lows. When I have my lows, it is the worst feeling ever. I just stay in bed all covered up and not give to fucks in the world of what is going on around me. I want to be left alone and be by myself. People don’t understand my disease, after dealing with my mania, which I would prefer to do, I have to deal with my lows which is something that I don’t wish on anyone even my worst enemy.

I think I know what triggered my low this time. I just wish it wasn’t that and that my low would hurry up and go away so that I can have my mania back and be back to normal. It’s currently 4:24 in the morning as I am writing this and I can not sleep. I am restless as fuck, and it’s getting old. I tried taking my medications that are prescribed to me to help me sleep and they aren’t working, and I even tried to get high as that usually helps me sleep and still nothing. I am writing this as I am wide awake but want to sleep.

So here’s to my depression being back.

Iroquois Democrats

Well next week will be a new experience for me. This is will be my first attendance record of Iroquois Democrats. I’ve shown my support in many others and have also had ideas and gave them to the Chairman of Iroquois Democrats. After my first attendance I will let you know how it went and how else I will be supporting the Iroquois County Democrats.

Democracy is something that we need and have to have in order to survive here in the United States of America. with the current Administration we don’t have that anymore, and we have a civic duty to turn red to blue and that is a change that I am willing to help with. If it starts at a local level, that means we can change it at the national level as well.

It’s the Weekend

IT'S THE WEEKEND!

By JOSHUA CRAVERO

Well it’s almost the weekend and time to sleep in. I love being able to lounge around occasionally on the weekends and just stay in bed and Netflix and chill. This weekend is going to be one of those weekends where I stay in bed and chill. But before I can start any of that I have one thing that I must do first today and that is to go to my first therapy appointment to deal with my bipolar and suicidal ideations that I have but thankfully my suicidal ideations have went down all thanks to my medications being adjusted and medications being added to my regimen.

I have never went through therapy before, so this will be something new for me that I haven’t experienced before and there will be a post all about that and how it went and if I like my therapist and whether I will continue to seek the therapy that I need at this facility or if I will seek another facility for this.

So here’s to a weekend in bed and relaxation.

Much love

What’s Next??

What's Next

By JOSHUA CRAVERO

I’m to the point that I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I had some guidance on what to do to make everything in the household normal once again, but where do I go to get the guidance that I need. I have tried everything that I know of on what to do and nothing ever works, it always backfires on me. I try my damnedest to fix everything and Tonya always makes everything backfire and spirals everything out of control as that is what she is known for. I put on a smile everyday thinking that today is going to get better and the only thing that happens is it gets worse than the day before. I have tried to talk to Lawrence and that goes nowhere. I even wrote my brother a letter and got no response out of it. I have turned into the IRS for dependent fraud and nothing has happened to that either.

It seems like that I am living in a space full of darkness where I have to look over my back all the time and sleep with one eye open. I shouldn’t have to live like this or have this feeling in my own home, but I do. I wish there was something that I could do to make the darkness that I feel to just go away and I could have a normal life once again like I used about 2 years ago.

I keep a document on my computer of all the “meltdowns” that Tonya has to use as evidence should I ever need it. I never know what is going to happen the moment I close both of my eyes or stop watching over my back. I will push back as much and as often as I can to prove that I am innocent of any of her accusations.

 

Open Letter to Lawrence

Open Letter to Lawrence

By Joshua Cravero

Lawrence:

I wanna know what’s going on as I never get told anything it seems like anymore. I haven’t done anything to anyone to deserve to be ignored and mistreated. All I do is stay to myself. It would be nice for once if someone came and talked to me and told me what was going on but instead I have to stoop to writing a fucking letter to even try and get a response out of you. I can be in the same room you as you, and you just walk by and ignore me like I done something wrong, why don’t you tell me what I done wrong so I can try to fix it but that won’t happen, as no one will talk to me. You act like anything I bring into the house is too good for you and I don’t know why. You are my family and my blood. You know you really hurt me when I came home Tuesday and seen your car at the fire station so you could donate blood when that is something that me and you always done, but I guess I’m too good to do that with anymore. I get so aggravated as I never know what’s going on or what I’ve done. It seems like I’m the one that has to reach out to my own flesh and blood brother to find out what’s going on, and by writing a letter/note. I get aggravated to where I just wanna give up, but I don’t as I don’t wanna hurt anybody that I care about and love, but it’s like no one cares about me or my feelings and keeps me in the dark. So can you in your free time come and talk to me and tell me what I done to be treated like this as I haven’t done anything to the best of my knowledge. Then this morning while your at work your girlfriend decides to call the police on me on fake shit when I never done a fucking thing to her. I’m tired of the bullshit she keeps pulling on me. After the police leave she comes in slamming the fucking doors like she’s somebody. She ain’t somebody to me anymore. I used to think of her as my sister and now she isn’t a thing to me. I can’t believe you of all people would allow someone to do that to your own blood when I haven’t done a fucking thing. I beyond done with her. Who’s the one that helps her out when she don’t have anything, well those days are fucking done. I’ve tried everything and she’s the one that keeps going off  the deep end. I know she’s trying everything that she can to put me in jail but I’m not doing anything for her satisfaction. I’ve tried and tried and I’m done putting my neck out there. She needs help or she’s gonna end up hurting someone if not herself and your not doing her anygood by allowing her to do this. Your not helping her. I know this because I’ve asked a couple of therapists and that’s what they told me. What I can’t believe is that you take her side even when she is wrong and you have admitted that something is wrong but only she can decide to get the help she desperately needs. But that is wrong, since you’ve been together with her for a long time now (9 years I believe) you can make her get the help she needs, as I also went to the police and I asked and that’s what they told me. She’s already hurt me and you said she don’t have a bone in her body to do that, but you know what she does, because of what she done today. There are legal ramifications that I can pursue against her if I wanted but I’m not because it will hurt you and I’m not the one that likes to hurt others emotionally, the way she does. She is no longer my family nor do I want anything to do with her until she can come to me and apologize for what she has done and I want the apology to mean it when she does or it don’t count. I don’t have to apologize as I haven’t done anything to her. I know she’s trying her damnest to put me in jail for some reason and I want to know why. Oh by the way, you’re the only one that has a key to the back door, and I want a copy as I have a right to have a copy of the key as I live here and a copy of the key of the padlock to the garage as mom is the one that paid for the padlock. She told me about a month ago now and you were there, that she don’t want me to die nor does she want to see me in jail but yet she’s trying to do everything in her power to do just that.

Sincerely your brother,

Joshua Cravero

In My Blood

The lyrics of this song means so much to me, It couldn’t have came on the radio when it did. So take a gander of these lyrics. They are so strong and powerful.

Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you’ll feel better
Just take her home and you’ll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood
I’m looking through my phone again, feeling anxious
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I’m trying to find a way to chill, can’t breathe, oh
Is there somebody who could

New Medication

When I was admitted to OSF Healthcare Heart of Mary Medical Center in Urbana a couple of weeks ago, they ended up changing my bipolar 1 medications. They ended up adding a new medication but before they could they had to get prior authorization from my health insurance as the cost of Abilify Maintena is around $1500 per month. Once I got the authorization approved I ended up getting the injection and later that day being discharged.

The other day I decided to read all of the side effects of this medication as I was tired all the time but yet couldn’t sleep. After reading the side effects and other information, I found out that that is a side effect of the medication that I will have to learn to cope with. Not only that, but there is weight gain so my primary has to monitor my weight, my blood sugars, cholesterol as it will also cause those to rise as well.

It also stated in the pamphlet that I am not to exercise either. I love being able to be outside and doing things and getting my exercise and now I can’t. I also have to stay out of the sunlight.

I know there are tremendous advantages of this new medication, but I’m not liking the side effects that come with the medications I have to learn to deal with.

Post OSF Healthcare Admission

Today marks 5 days that I have been officially discharged from OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center. Since being discharged from the hospital, I can say that I feel so much better with an outlook on life unlike before my admission to the hospital. I have been taking my prescribed medications as I am supposed to and surprisingly I haven’t been late nor forgotten about it, as that is something that I am good at when it comes to my medication. OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center is a life saver, as they did save my ultimately although it was my brother that caught me right before I jumped off the chair in the garage with a noose around my neck.

People ask me WHY? That question can’t be answered with a simple answer as it is more complex and possibly not even the right answer. There are many factors in someone’s life in which they want to cause harm to themselves or simply take their own lives.  For me at the time of my attempted hanging, it was severe depression, lifeless, worthless feeling, and cabin fever finally sat in.

As you can see in the featured photo on this post, it is a picture of myself in the ambulance for a ride to Urbana to OSF Heart of Mary Adult Behavorial Unit as a direct admit. The facial expression in this photo puts me off as being grumpy, yeah I may have been a little grumpy, but I was more depressed than anything. The ride was enjoyable except for the icy and snowy roads as the ambulance kept sliding across the road until we hit the interstate then it was smooth sailing.

OSF Healthcare

Well on April 2018, I was taken to my local hospital ED for trying to hang myself. I ended up staying in the ED until 9 am the following morning. After that, I got to be transferred to OSF Healthcare Heart of Mary Medical Center in Urbana.

I can say that they since OSF took over ownership, some things have changed and one of the biggest changes is the technology. The technology they use is some of the best. The downfall is that the computers/portable workstations are brand new and they keep freezing. I know they used a mixed environment for technology as that could be some of the problems that they have with their technology “upgrade”. Who knows what the backend server looks like, don’t know if they using just any backend server, or top tier, such as Apple Server, as they mix apple products.

After staying here for the three days that I did, I can officially say that I feel about 85-90% better than what I did before I got there. OSF Healthcare Heart of Mary Medical Center Behavioral Health Unit is simply the best and only hospital-based unit in the area.

OSF Healthcare provides superb healthcare and treats you just like your family. I don’t know what I would do if it wasn’t for OSF Healthcare. I greatly appreciate the services that they provide to our communities.

Next on my list, is getting my individual setup and started which, I will do on Monday.

I Went Hanging

Well today was a shitty ass day. I ended up trying to hang myself and just be done with life. My brother comes in the garage where I am at with the noose around my neck and getting ready to step off the chair I was standing on. 

He wants to know what is wrong and accuses me of doing this for attention. Yea, suicide for attention? Makes sense don’t it. Well he made me call the crisis help line and I got no where with it and he even heard it. He then proceeded to make me call the hospital where I was last hospitalized to find out what to do. They told me to call an ambulance and go to my nearest hospital emergency room. I ended up doing as they said and got taken to the Hoopeston hospital.

Upon arriving to the hospital, I had to strip down to my boxers. My vitals were taken regularly and they advised that they have contacted crisis and that they should be there anytime but are coming from Champaign-Urbana area. Shift changed at 7 that night and crisis was actually called this time. Crisis didn’t show up until around 10 that night and then she fought her ass off to get me into a facility. She was trying every facility at her disposal when I told her specifically what facility I wanted to go to as I had been there before. I didn’t get to go to the facility until 7:30am when I got transferred to Champaign-Urbana to OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center. 

I spent three days there in the facility for treatment of Bipolar Disorder Type 1.  

 

*note this was written on the day and during my stay in the hospital.