Suicide

Today Suicide is a leading cause of death in teens and young adults worldwide. The number one reason for this horrendous leading cause is from bullying and discrimination. Discrimination and bullying happens every day and everywhere you look, from your work place to your place of education. Lawmakers from around the states have created laws to help stamp this out from happening and been providing consequences for these actions. But you cannot stop the inevitable as it is something that has been going on for centuries and will continue to happen. Whether is be the elderly that commits or the young or vice versa. The only thing that we can do is unite and be there and help each other and provide comfort to those in desperate need, no matter what their background is. People want to even continue to discriminate and bully the victim (the one who committed and achieved suicide) even after their tragic death, as they believe that they had other choices to relate to instead of taking their own life.

Still today, I still contemplate suicide on a daily basis. I am not afraid to admit to it, as I have also attempted it as well. I was diagnosed around 2005 if my memory serves me correct with having Bipolar Disorder, yes a mental disorder. I was on several different medications and was always on a different medication every month it seemed like as the so-called doctor didn’t like that it was causing me to gain weight: mine me a pound or two in a month’s time which isn’t horrible. After finding out about the possible side effects of these medications that the psychiatrist was prescribing me, I on my own decision decided to stop taking the medications myself, as that is my right that no one can take away. There are things in my life that I cannot deal with and would rather end my life and suffering and the suffering that I endure my family and friends with. When I lay in bed at night to finally go to bed, I visualize the many many different forms of suicide that I can do to take my life and end my suffering. People do not understand that the things that I have been through in my life is just too hard to handle, and advise that I should seek counseling and I will be all better. Well I got news for people, counseling does not always help people, and it just prolongs my horrible and loathsome life. When I was in a counseling session not to long ago I was asked that I think about on a daily basis. My short answer was suicide. Their reaction was shocking and surprised with my answer to their simple question. I answered truthfully and honestly. When I lay in bed and think: “What do I have to live for?” my answer: “nothing.” I absolutely have nothing to live for. Every time I try to accomplish something in my life it either backfires, disrupts my life and family, causes me to be accused of something or get into trouble. So exactly what is the point of my life on this so-called wonderful planet they call earth. I see no point. The only thing is, is that I will be adding to the statistics of suicide, so on a side not that is an accomplishment: being part of a statistic.

When I am feeling depressed and having severe suicidal thoughts, I do have a lifeline that I use which I haven’t understood on why I do. I either call the Trevor Project or the Suicide Prevention Center, and speak to one of their counselors, and all that does is just prolong this hideous life. I won’t be able to carry on a successful life with all of my accusations and convictions that I have. The most important thing in my life is to have a successful relationship but that is out of the questions. I have tried to have several relationships and they don’t work out. I am tired of being alone. I don’t tell people about my relationships as that is none of their business as that is my business. People just don’t understand me. People want me to open up and talk and when I do, I’m wrong. I try to express myself and no one bothers to listen or they just don’t care and don’t want to listen. People say that I am distant and at times very distant. I do agree with that. I am distant and very distant at times. I have my reasons for being distant. People wither don’t approve of my life choices or want me to express my life choices more and be open about them and that’s not me nor is it going to happen. I don’t want to broadcast my life all over so that everyone knows everything that I am doing or whom I’m doing. I would rather just stick to myself anymore. If could choose the that I wanted to die, it would be January 15 or February 20 as that was the day my maternal grandmother passed away and the day she was born. My grandmother was my everything and if I ever needed someone to talk to that was the person I went to. Now I have nobody to talk to like I did with my grandma as she didn’t judge or at least show judgment. So is suicide going to happen to me? I cannot honestly answer that question as it may not happen today and may not happen tomorrow or just may not happen at all. That is a question that cannot be answered.