Depression, Moods

My life

Just sitting here thinking about my life and how it sucks. I have nothing to look forward to or even remotely close to looking forward to. I have nothing in my life that is even worse h loving for right now it seems like. I just wanna sit here and just cry myself to sleep but I can’t as I’m sitting down here at grandmas and I don’t wanna show any type of emotion so I’m not worrying them about me. So I’m just gonna sit here and write and try to feel better but I know that ain’t gonna happen. I’m to the point again that I hate my life and don’t wanna live it anymore. All I have thought about today is suicide again and not having to worry about anything ever again. I don’t know why my meds haven’t started working yet as its been a month now that I’ve been on them. All I do is dread about everything and shouldn’t have to. I should be able to live a normal life but for some reason I can’t. I want to be able to love someone unconditionally and they love me the same but that won’t happen. Everyone that I care and love about are either out of my reach, just wants to be fuck buddies, in the closet, or don’t wanna do anything anymore. My life is complete shit and isn’t worth living anymore. I have nothing. I am worthless and a nobody. I just wish this bipolar shit would go away. I can’t function in life I have to motivation for anything. If I could just lay in bed 24/7 I would because that’s what I would much rather do. 

Right I wanna get so high and give no shits about tomorrow. Yea I know the consequences of me getting high again, I will end up in jail. I’m to the point that I don’t give a fuck about anything. Getting high just relieves so much and takes so much off my chest and don’t have to worry about anything. It was offered to me a little bit ago but I turned it down and I wish that I didn’t I could just kick myself in the ass for turning it down. But I used a good thinking process for once in my life. I have never turned away dope when it was offered to me. I don’t care about life anymore or anything this life represents to itself. I just wanna give up on everything but I don’t. I don’t because of my 2 nieces and my amazing baby nephew Easton. These three mean the world to me. So I can’t. 

I’m to the point while I’m sitting here I just want to sleep and not wake up I have nothing and I am nothing. No one wants me. I’ve tried to keep calm and let it ride and nothing. I’m stuck in a hole and get out of it.