Well today was just one of those shitty as days from hell. I had a major melt down and blew a gasket via text at my brother and I shouldn’t have. I’m just so tired and depressed and want to give up on everything. I don’t have any perspectives/outlooks of life especially with me being a convicted felon of a heinous crime. I was to the point that I wanted to take my pills that I have for my insomnia and just sleep and never wake up, but after looking at the bottle I didn’t have enough pills to do that, so I ended up blowing up on my brother. I would’ve blown up even more, but my niece was here and she has enough drama in her life that she didn’t need to see it or hear it.
I have no motivation to do anything anymore, I ignore the most important people in my life, as I’m afraid I might hurt them as well which is something that I don’t want to do.
People tell me that I need to get back on my medication for my bipolar disorder, but I can control and don’t need medication to correct it. Plus even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t be able to go to the local Mental Health Center because of my heinous crime, though won’t see me which would mean I would have to travel over an hour away to get medical treatment. I have been able to control for this long I can control even longer. I just don’t know what to do anymore with my life. I’m unemployable, don’t have friends, lost my family, and just a scuz from hell.
I have to go to group tomorrow and as well as probation and then be out of gas in my car until god knows when. My brother tells me to come to the elevator to talk to the boss about getting a job there, but that won’t happen because I have a past, and the boss won’t hire me. I’ve tried before and get denied. I just get screwed over all of the time.
I have a feeling that this meltdown I had today isn’t the last one and my next one will be worse and a lot worse and will affect almost everyone around me and I don’t want that to happen. Days like today I just wish I knew what to do.
I used to be able to go to what I thought was my best friend and be able to talk and vent but that don’t happen anymore. It’s more of a Josh can you do this or Josh can you do that, its never Josh how you doing or whats going on anymore. I’m so tired I am eventually going to give up and no one will be able to help me.
So here’s to giving up and my meltdown!