Well I can say that the past couple of days I have not been feeling myself mentally. I don’t think that the medication that I am currently on is doing what it is supposed to be doing for me and it needs to be changed. I have been depressed more and manic more than usual. I haven’t been able to sleep or when I do its for only a couple of hours. I keep getting asked if I’m okay, and I just say that I am because it is so much easier to say that I am ok than having to try and explain to everyone how I am feeling. I wish I was a lot easier to explain on how I feel, but it’s not. So I have to wait for the doctors office in Champaign to call me to schedule an appointment so that I can see the doctor and get my medication managed the way that it needs to be done. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with this on a daily basis, as it gets to be too much for me sometimes and just don’t want to be here anymore and not have to worry about anything anymore.
No one (family) understands what I am going through or how I am feeling. This is a lot for me and at times it seems like it is too much for me and that I can’t handle it. I have no mental strength to get up and do things, the simplest things around the house nor do I even want to. If I could just stay in my bed all the time and not have to come out of it, I would be happy. But that’s something that I don’t wanna do my whole life. I wanna be able to enjoy my life and have fun just like everyone else does. That’s why I am waiting patiently for the doctors office to call me so that I can get scheduled to see a psychiatrist to get my meds taken care of.
When I was in the hospital emergency room last week to try and get my meds fixed, the crisis counselor asked me what some of my triggers were and my coping skills for the triggers. Well I have all kinds of coping skills but I don’t know what my triggers are exactly. It can range from a scene in a tv show that I just watched to not having enough hot water to take a shower. I understand that I need to figure out my triggers and how to cope with them and get them under control but that is something that I don’t know how to do, as I don’t know exactly what my triggers are.
That was like today I took my mom shopping and out to eat and I didn’t even feel enthused about doing it, and trust me, I love to go shopping and enjoying myself. Mom asks me if I had fun, and I just lied straight to her face, and said yes I enjoyed it. It’s just so much easier to say that I had fun or I’m doing okay even when I’m not, than having to explain all of it and then her not even understand it. So I don’t know what to do anymore.
Have I thought about suicide lately?! Yes, I actually have. I have thought about it a lot here lately as a source of trying to get help, but thats going extreme and would get accused of trying to get attention. I’m literally where I don’t wanna be here anymore and not have to deal with anything.
So here’s to another day of being in the slumps and trying to figure out what to do with my life.