Worst Day

I can say that today has already started to be one of the worst days that I have had. Last night I was laying in bed relaxing and watching a little bit of tv and my older brother tells me to get dressed and to come outside, cuz I’m not going to be happy. Well he was right. All of a sudden my passenger rear tire went flat. It popped as my brother was walking by to come inside.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, if it isn’t one thing it is another and I’m getting tired of it.  But I guess god wouldn’t give me these pitty issues if he didn’t think I could handle them and at times I doubt myself at being able to handle them.

Giving Back 2018

Well I can say that I have already begun my beginning for the year. After Christmas my aunts house caught fire and was deemed inhabitable. While she was living there, she was also taking care of her Aunt and had her living with her. After the fire it left them and Aunt Starla’s family homeless. Aunt Starla has been staying at a motel with her husband thanks to the generosity of The American Red Iroquois County Chapter. She wasn’t able to bring her Aunt with her to the motel and therefore the only option available that they had was a nursing home for her until they can find another house. Well I asked her if she just wanted to have her stay here with my and my family and I take care of her she was ecstatic and said yes and please. So for the past week I have been graciously taking care of her along with my mothers help. Not only do I take care of my mother throughout the year I also take care of another gentlemen that lives with me as his health concerns are deplorable as well. I can say that my 2018 was crap but it has enlightened me to do more and help others as often as I can. I know that I will be rewarded in the end for the good that I am doing and trying to do and continue to do. This may seem like a small task given to me, but god knows my limits and he pushes them to make me a better person. God will reward me when he believes it is time for me to reep in the rewards that he offers to his disciples.

May GOD bless myself, family, friends, and strangers I have never met.

Depression Mile High

The past coupe of weeks (maybe a month) has been just a total shit hole for me. I have been severely depressed, where I don’t even wanna get out of bed literally. I don’t know what is going on with this funk, but I am sick of it. I have been thinking about a lot of things and a lot of things have been going through my mind and I just wish it would all just stop. It’s to the point I don’t even know what I am thinking anymore, which is bad, as I always know what I am thinkig of and always have full control of my faculties. I know I’m not going to do anything stupid and jeopardize my life or anything like that. It’s I just don’t have a care in the world of what’s going on. I don’t know what is causing this, and have been trying to figure it out but without any success, but I am determined to figure out what is going on and to fix it.

I know drugs doesn’t have anything to do with it, as I have been clean and sober for 12 months now from any illegal drugs, So I know drugs aren’t clouding my thoughts and such. I don’t know if it has anything to do with the impending Holidays that are coming and the ones we just had. I’ve thought about it, some of my thoughts are saying that it is the impending holidays. I do get this way annually around this time, as in the next month it will be the anniversay of my grandmothers passing in 2002. My grandma was my rock, I could always go to her if I needed someone to talk to or the such, and I don’t have that rock anymore. I’ve been told that this will pass, and been told this since the passing, and it hasn’t gone away. It not just the passing of my grandmother, but also the passing of my dear uncle. My uncle Danny passed away in the cold winter months as well and he was also my everything. Those two were my everything in my world, and it’s like I have no one anymore that I can lean on for guidance and support. I guess that I am still grieving the loss of my grandma and my uncle, and that grieving can last a long time. I get told that I should be done grieving time has passed. You know what time has passed but I don’t think I will ever be done grieving as they were the ones that always supported me. There’s one thing that I never got to tell these two amazing people about me, but they know from watching over me. And that is that I am gay. That is the one thing I wish I could tell them. I always thought it would be hard for me to tell my mom or anyone else, but its my grandma and uncle. Yes my mom means the world to me as well, but I know she didn’t care or anything. I don’t know how to say it really, but its my grandma and my uncle.

This funk has really gotten to me this year, I could barely even put the Christmas tree up and that is something that I can’t wait for every year. Hell, my room is a complete disaster and I know it and wanna clean it but I have to motivation or desire to clean it.

So here’s to working through it all continuously with and without help and support.

Besties

I can say that I have found me a new best friend and the best thing is that he is gay also. I now have someone that I can relate to and we can just kick it and have fun and I can be myself all the time whenever I want when I am hanging with him unlike my other friends I can’t, or when I am they can’t relate to everything that I am going through or understand anything haha lol.

 

I’m just glad that I am not the only gay guy around here now and is close to where I live and we get to kick it almost all the time haha lol. Thank god for best friends.

Another Rant

Well I can say that I am fed up with everything, and I am looking for another place to live and no one is going to be coming with me. Hopefully by the end of November, I will have found me a suitable place for me away from all of the bullshit that I am around 24/7.

I’m to the point to where I don’t even want to be awake anymore. I force myself to sleep all the time if I’m not out doing something with friends having my me time, as I have no feeling when I’m at “home”. I’m the one that buys the groceries around here, and people can’t even keep the kitchen clean so that I or my mother can cook. They would rather soak up the A/C and eat up the food that I buy all at once. Hell its bad when you have to hide food because people love to eat it all up at once, but it does no good to hide it because they come in your room when your sleeping and snoop and find it, but your not allowed in their room, even though they don’t pay the rent. I’m just fed up with everything here.

I’m to the point where I would rather kill myself if I can’t make myself sleep. When you feelings like this, its best to say fuck it and find somewhere else to live and leave everything behind. I know I have a few city locations I have chosen of where to live, and they include Indianapolis and Champaign-Urbana and a few others, but preferrably Indianapolis as it is on of the furthest cities away from where I am currently, and I won’t have a reason to come back as it will be too far of a drive but not to far if there’s an emergency.

I’m just tired and about to give up on everything, and by moving, this would be the best option for me that I have left, I am currently looking at 3 bedrooms, that way if my mom wants to come and the guy I take care of that currently lives with me, wants to come they can but if they choose that they don’t wanna come with me, then I will narrow my choices down to 1-2 bedrooms, preferrably 2 then, that way I have a guest bedroom for whoever wants to come and stay. I DO NOT want a studio apartment, as that is just way too fucking small for me, as I like space, and that is something that I want and need. But I still have aobut two months before anything, So, I still have time to explore my options of what I want to rent and the location of what I want to call home.

#ProtectTransTroops

President Donald Trump declared when running for president that he would support the LGBTQ community and be an ally. On June 14, 2016 he tweeted thanking the LGBT community and reminding us (LGBT community) he will fight for us! Well he has has lied to us once again.

He has tweeted out on July 26, 2017 that he will not allow or accept Transgendered individuals to serve in any capacity of the US Military. By doing this, this will be discharging 15,000+ active military service members in the US Military.

We as Americans must stand together against our bigoted president and let him know that we can not allow him to dismantle our rights and freedoms.

National Sibling Day

Well hell I seen my brother shared a post on Facebook today about National Sibling Day and mentioned his two sisters and his non blood siblings and nothing about me or his other brothers. When I seen that, it just hurt me. My heart had just dropped and has made my depression coke back into play today as I was feeling pretty good today for the first time in a couple of weeks.

You know what yea we have our differences on so many things that we barely relate to anything at all but we are still siblings. He couldn't even acknowledge me and that's what hurts me the most. This is the first time that he has ever done this. I'm gonna try and not let this get to me but I guess it is what it is. Life must go on.

Iroquois Memorial Hospital

Well I ended up having to take my grandma to the emergency room the other night and all I can say is that it wasn’t a very pleasant trip there, but what trip to the emergency room is pleasant. This time was complete disgust.

The emergency room was full of mosquitoes, june bugs, and my grandma even had a bug (roach looking bug) crawling on her bed that I ended up killing. The patient next to her ended up signing an AMA as she left the emergency as she was being treated and taken care of she she should’ve been. The staff in the emergency room including the physcian was very rude and slow. I could see them being slow if they were busy, as it was the emergency room, but the only patients in there was my grandma and the patiend that ended up leaving against medical advice.

The emergency room physician ended up making the decision of having my grandmother admitted into the hospital for obsersation, but the doctor never told us it was the nurse that came and told us. The doctor never told us any of the test results from the tests that were ordered as it was the nurse that did, and per hospital policy it is the doctors (or attendings) job to provide us with the results. When we were notified that grandma was being admitted, doctor hadn’t even put in the order for the admission and we were told at 2am that she was being admitted. My grandma finally told us to go home around 3:30am so that we could get some as she would be getting in her room soon. Well We ended up going home around 4am and she still hadn’t been moved to her room yet. When I went to see grandma during the day, to see if she was being discharged she let us know she didn’t get into a room until around 530 in the morning when the doctor finally put in the order. So my grandma ended up having to stay in the emergency room  the entire time.

I can say that this will be the last time she ends up at Iroquois Memorial Hospital Emergency Department, for now on, I will take her to Carle Hospital.

Christmas

Thankfulness is the start of gratitude. Gratitude is the completion of thankfulness. Thankfulness may exist in words, but gratitude is seen through actions. #merrychristmas 🎁✨

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