I destroy homes…

I destroy homes, tear families apart, take your children, and that’s just the start. I’m more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold, and if you need me, remember I’m easily found. I live all around you, in schools and in town. I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door. My power is awesome; try me you’ll see, but if you do, you may never break free. Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I’ll own your soul. When I possess you, you’ll steal and you’ll lie. You do what you have to just to get high. The crimes you’ll commit, for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasure you’ll feel in your arms. You’ll lie to your mother; you’ll steal from your dad When you see their tears, you should feel sad. But you’ll forget your morals and how you were raised, I’ll be your conscience, I’ll teach you my ways. I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate from friends. I’ll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I’ll be with you always, right by your side. You’ll give up everything your family, your home, your friends, your money, then you’ll be alone. I’ll take and take, till you have nothing more to give. When I’m finished with you you’ll be lucky to live. If you try me be warned this is no game. If given the chance, I’ll drive you insane. I’ll ravish your body; I’ll control your mind. I’ll own you completely; your soul will be mine. The nightmares I’ll give you while lying in bed, the voices you’ll hear from inside your head, the sweats, the shakes, the visions you’ll see; I want you to know, these are all gifts from me, But then it’s too late, and you’ll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part. You’ll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, not I to you. You knew this would happen. Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold. You could have said no, and just walked away, If you could live that day over, now what would you say? I’ll be your master; you will be my slave, I’ll even go with you, when you go to your grave. Now that you have met me, what will you do? Will you try me or not? Its all up to you. I can bring you more misery than words can tell. Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.

~ Unknown ~

Surgery?? Possibly??

Well I went to the doctor today for the results of my MRI that I done on my right knee for the chronic pain, as the meds and physical therapy didn’t work. And the results are in…I have to see the orthopedic surgeons for my knee as there is an impingement within the knee and might have to have surgery on it. First they are gonna use a camera and go inside my knee and explore and see what all they can find whats wrong and then we will go from there.

I can say that my mom is worried sick already and stressing about it and says that she is going to be there and is going with me to the appointment to find out what is going on. So now I am playing the waiting game on ortho to call me with my appointment in Champaign.

I am a little nervous about it but also am excited as well. I’m excited as I’m getting closer to finding out what is wrong and getting it fixed and taken care of. I’m nervous as there is possibly surgery and that is something that I have never had done. I know that there is a strong possibility that they will do the exploratory on my knee at the first appointment, and I won’t be able to drive home as they will be putting me on a light sedative for the procedure.

So while I am waiting on the doctors to call and make my appointments I am going to just chill and relax and enjoy my time and try not to mess up my knee any worse than it is already. In a way I’m kinda hoping that they admit me into the hospital even for the exploratory as the hospital that I will be going to is my favorite and a top 50 in the United States. I’ve been in this hospital before as a patient for other reasons and they treated me with the utmost respect and dignity like everyone should receive unlike other hospitals (Iroquois Memorial) do.

This hospital that I will be at has the best physicians and nursing staff around and couldn’t ask for anything better. So here it is to me waiting on getting to this new appointment and possibly being admitted into the hospital for some surgery or surgery type procedure.

Emergency Room

Well I ended up going to the emergency room tonight for my knee as I couldn’t bear the pain anymore in it as it just kept getting worse and the pain in this knee I have been able to deal with for quite sometime until now. I ended up having to have some xrays done on it and they found out that there is fluid on my knee, which doesn’t surprise me much as I’ve had that several times before. So while in the emergency room, the doctor had radiology come in and schedule me for an MRI on my knee so now I have to go on Monday and have an MRI done to it see what other damage if any there is on my knee. I’m praying that I don’t have to have surgery on it but from the emergency room doctors medical opinion, he said that I need to have surgery on it. So we will find out soon. So the doctor gave me a brace to wear on my leg for support on my knee which helps but is aggravating as hell as I can’t even drive if I wanted to unless I take the damn thing off. As long as I’m awake and doing things I have to wear it and let me tell ya I am and it is uncomfortable from hell and can’t sit anywhere comfortable with it on as I can’t bend my leg. But I guess it’s best so that I don’t damage my knee and make it worse. So heres to damaging my knee and getting it fixed so that I can be back to working order.

Self Admission

Depressed and manic! I haven’t been to bed in like 3 days as I haven’t been able to sleep as i have had a lot of energy and haven’t been able to contain but not enough energy to do any house work as i’m not doing that anymore because when i do i get downgraded and i’m tired of it. I was just told by someone that i’m a people pleaser and do almost any to make everyone happy well guess that shit is going to change as i’m going to start worrying about me and taking care of myself. I am currently sitting in the hospital in Urbana waiting on a crisis counselor to come and evaluate me so that i can possibly be admitted into the hospital for mental help with my bipolar. As this is the first time of me doing this on my own and by myself i am a little nervous and anxious. Every other time i was admitted it was because of self harm from intentional drug overdose and did not have a say and the originating hospital done it all. So here’s to me making a change for myself for once.

Well I can say that I was not able to get admitted into the hospital after speaking with the crisis counselor. They didn’t feel that I was a threat to myself or others and there was no need for me to be admitted into the hospital. Instead they referred me to a psychiatrist but am on a waitlist to be seen there so I have to continue with the medications that I am currently on along with the current dosage that I am taking. So in a way it was a waste of time for me to make a trip to Champaign, but I got to see some parts of Champaign that I haven’t got to explore yet.

Time to be admitted!?

Well I think its time that I have myself admitted into the hospital in Champaign at Presence so that I can have my medication reevaluated for my bipolar because I don’t that my medications are working anymore. I have been getting more depressed here lately and manic more than ever. I let my mom know about it last night and she started to freak out about it, but you know what, it is something that I need to do keep my mental health in check and in control so that I am stable so that I can live a stable and comfortable life. Yes, I shouldn’t have to admit myself into the hospital in order to do this, all I should have to do is contact my psychiatrist and make an appointment for this, but I don’t have one and yes I can schedule and appointment with one but that will and can take up to four weeks to get into to see one. I want to be able to get in and see one as soon as possible so that I’m not trying to commit suicide again, as I’ve done tried to commit it twice in less then 6 months. I’m already have the dreams of committing suicide like I did before when I attempted before therefore, I don’t want to encounter it again. They always say the third times a charm. And this would be the third time. This needs to be done and taken care of so that I can continue to live a fulfilling life for myself and be there for others that need me and depend on my. As always I need to work on me first before I can even begin to help anyone else and the first step to attempting to helping others is helping myself and that is what I am going to do.

I am going to talk to my probation officer tomorrow along with my counselor and let them know that I am going to be admitting myself into the hospital soon and that it will be for a 72 hour psychiatric hold for medication evaluation. I am going to reassure them that I will be doing it during the beginning of the week after group therapy and after probation so that I am not missing group or probation and to show that I am committed to staying in group and not missing any of it even for medical issues for myself.

I know that I screwed my group up last time by saying that I was in the hospital sick and that my mom was in the hospital sick and the like for a month straight and that wasn’t right for everyone in group or to myself. As I should be leading as an example as there are new people in group and I didn’t lead as a leader should but I am going and prove that I am a leader and can juggle my life, group, and my health and still function. Yet it still may still be a bit difficult at first, but I am always up for a challenge.

I do have it figured out of when I am going to drive myself to the hospital for a direct admit into Presence 5East, and it will be April 4th or 5th as I will have the funds to afford the transportation to drive myself there and back instead of paying someone to do both and I have enough of my current meds to last me until then. It’s just one week that I have to wait until I go, but I have no choice, and it is something that I have to do and need to do on my own and to quit depending on others to take me. It is a small stepping stone for me to independence by taking control of my healthcare. If I could afford to take myself now and have myself directly admitted into the hospital it would be a no brainer and would’ve already been done. So here’s to a small stepping stone into the right direction of bettering myself and my healthcare.

Healthcare & Financial POA?

Apparently people don’t understand the meaning of a Healthcare & Financial Power of Attorney anymore! As I am legally the POA for healthcare and financial of my mother but yet I have nothing in my control or in my possession as i am legally able to have. Instead I have restrictions that people put on my moms medications at the pharmacy from which I am not allowed to pick up as well. There is only one successor agent listed on the Legal POA which is my elder brother Lawrence which is when I am unavailable to make any decisions and only he is able to make to the decisions and no one else. I have done some legal research and spoke to some attorney’s and the next course that I will have to take, is filing a legal document for a healthcare restraining order, as the POA is also legalized within the court system as well. I will be filing the appropriate legal documents necessary as soon as possible and have a stay put in place until this is resolved and have me put back in charge and have other people stopped from making any other changes.

This is something that I never thought that I would ever have to do, nor want to do, but as a legal representative and having the best interests in mind of my mother, I have no other choice but to do this, and have these filings done. I do know that I will have to file for an emergency stay to be put in place as well as an emergency healthcare restraining order. I will have to absorb the costs of this having to be done, but I can have the costs recovered from the respondent. As this has caused an emotional turmoil on me and my family and will possibly cause more due to the legal paremeters that has to be done to correct everything.

So here’s to getting everything fixed and corrected to where it should be!

Intentional Suicide

December 31 2016 I overdosed on trazadone and took 35 of them as well as propranolol and took approximately 60 of those as I have been severely depressed and then the cop shows up to arrest me as he had an arrest warrant for me the probation had issued for me to revoke my probation. The cop then ended up taking me to the band aide station hospital called Iroquois Memorial Hospital and they ended up transferring me to the trauma center in Champaign-Urbana where I spent 4 days and they had me hooked up to several ivs to flush the poisons out of my system which was a pain in the ass and I couldn’t have access to a phone as it has a cord and they thought that maybe I could strangle myself or something and I ended up having to have a sitter in my room, which was pretty nice as every half hour a had a new nurse or tech that sat and kept me company and watched movies with me the hole time including PPV. I ended up having a psych consult and his recommendation was a transfer was to Presence Hospital in Champaign right down the road which is another great hospital. So I ended up being in the hospital for over a week which all of this could’ve been avoided if my counselor that I had wouldn’t have stopped my medications and kept promising my medications to me and never gave them to me. After being discharged from the hospital, I was arrested and transported to the Iroquois County Jail where I have been sitting until now where I am able to write this. After they booked me in the jail, some shit went, down, my life was threatened, was asked to be moved to another pod and was told was gonna have to wait and and didn’t have time to wait. So I took the time into my hands, and tried to hang myself and while trying to hang myself, I get threatened with being tazed because thats all Iroquois County can do as they don’t offer Mental Health to any of their inmates or anything of the such. As that is something that I needed as I didn’t have my meds to begin with either as they refused to give them to me because they done served supper to everyone before I made it in there and my meds hadn’t made it to therapeutic levels yet as I was only on them for 3-4 days when I got there. So Iroquois County needs to step up their game when it comes to people with mental health issues, but am glad I don’t have to deal with it anymore and start seeing my new doctor that Presence set me up with in Champaign so no-one can control when I get my medications and when I don’t. I am so thankful for Presence Hospital 5East.