National Suicide Prevention Week

Well this week is National Suicide Prevention week and World Day of Suicide Prevention.

I can say that we need better resources in our communities to help with this epidemic. I don’t get any help except for my primary care provider as there aren’t resources unless I travel an hour away from home and to get the resources your on a 3 month waiting list and sometimes even longer than that. I am no stranger to Suicide as I have attempted it three times and need the help. I also know of others that have attempted it and need the help. We just can’t access the help that is needed as it isn’t here. We need to come together nationally, as a state, and as a world to help combat this epidemic. In Illinois alone the Suicide rates have went up 11% in the past year. At the national level our members of congress of all parties needs to come together and create a bipartisan plan to help with this.

There are literally thousands of people in prison and jails that don’t need locked up all because they can get the resources they need (mental health). Do you know the cost of that being locked just to get the resources needed. It’s around $31000 per inmate. Outside it is much cheaper than that. We would all come together we could combat this and eradicate it.

So here’s to Suicide Prevention Week and World Day of Suicide.

Us victims hope for a better day everyday.

Depression Stil Here

Well my depression is still here and it has been 3 days so far that I have been stuck in bed and not have any cares in the world. This depression thing really sucks but I look at it as a way to recoup from all of the mania that I get to experience. So I think in the next couple days I will have everything back to my normal, which is having my mania. I wish I had something that was in between because that would satisfy my mania and depression and would be in my opinion “normal”.

I was told today that my mom said that she feels that I’m going to make another suicide attempt, as when I get like this I make an attempt. Which I don’t think that I will make another attempt on my life, atleast during this spat of depression. I’m not at depressed or stressed like I was the last time. Atleast someone here in the house is acknowledging of when I usually make an attempt on my life, but wrong timing. Have I thought of committing suicide recently? Yes I have and think about it everyday, as sometimes I have my mind believing that everyone would be better off without me as all I am is a burden to them. But I can’t say for sure that I wouldn’t make an attempt on my life, because the last time I did I told my primary care provider that I wasn’t that bad and two days later I tried to hang myself.

So here’s to another couple days of depression and then here comes the mania, as I can already feel some of the effects of mania coming on.

Give an update on my mental health in a couple days…

Carle Foundation Hospital

Well recently I was in Champaign at Carle Foundation Hospital with my Aunt as she was transferred there from another hospital for low sodium levels. We ended up spending a week there in the hospital getting her sodium levels back up into the normal ranges. While we were there, my aunt had a total of three doctors, a hospitalist, endocrinologist, and a nephrologist. They were doing lab work on her every four hours and checking her vitals and blood sugar every four hours as well. We finally got all her levels back to normal was able to be discharged from the hospital yesterday.

People say that I wasn’t in the hospital, but in reality I was, as I literally stayed there with her the whole time that she was admitted into the hospital. I can say that Carle Foundation Hospital in the best hospital around, by all our local hospitals that we have. While I was staying with my aunt in the hospital, I had people talking, saying that it shouldn’t be me staying with her and that it should be someone else. Well you know what it was my choice to go and stay with her, I was the one that stepped up before anyone could. Whenever my aunt is in the hospital, I am the one that stays with her and takes care of her. She is my world and she is the one that lights up my world. I don’t know what I would do without her as she means the world to me.

I just wish that people would stay out of my business and put their nose somewhere else where it don’t belong like they do.

So here’s to my stay in Champaign.

 

Need Help? Don’t Count On It

Need Help? Don’t Count On It

I just love it when you try to seek the help that you are in need of but nobody wants to help you. I have been trying to seek therapy services from my local crisis center since my suicide attempt in April and I haven’t had any success in the matter. Instead I get a form letter in the mail telling me that they have closed my case without any explanation, and when I called for an explanation no could even provide that simple little answer to my question. I was informed that while I was in the hospital that Crosspoint would accept and guess, what all I have had is issues trying to get them to help me. I make phone calls after phone calls and get nowhere with it.

I knew I needed the help before my suicide attempt, and tried to get the help elsewhere and was rejected by giving the excuse that insurance won’t pay for individual therapy services. I then feel the suicidal ideations coming even stronger, so I call crisis like I’m supposed to, and they advised me that there is nothing that they can do unless I make an attempt on my life. So right there it tells ya kill yourself and if you make we’ll help ya and then you do, and still in the same boat. If I had known that I would be getting rejected from getting the much needed help that I need, I would’ve said fuck it instead of wasting peoples much more needed time. I thought the point of human services was to help you when you are down, but I guess it isn’t. I’m just tired of trying to find the help and have no one want to help Sometimes, I believe that everything will be much better when I’m not around, as I can’t get the simplest thing done for myself, and that’s mental health help. Yes, I have mental health issues and need the help but who’s really gonna help me? No one. All you ever hear is that, “you’re important”, “we’ll get you some help”, and the list goes on, and in reality no one does and I’m not important.

I have self-worth issues and feeling my I’m worthless and that there’s no point of me being here. I understand I have these issues. Therapy is supposed to help you understand your problems and how to correct them. Therapy is supposed to help you find your triggers, and I still have yet to find my triggers for my suicidal ideations.

I’ve went through four different organizations to seek therapy services with psychiatric doctors recommendation and referral for the services and get turned away, either because of insurance (even though they pay for it), close your case and don’t know why, or you’re an offender and they don’t provide services to offenders.

Why I Smoke?

 

Marijuana

Why I Use It

 

I can say that the opposition of Marijuana has started to dwindle down in the past few years it seems like to me. I can remember when I was young that it didn’t matter how much marijuana or drug paraphilia would wind you up in jail immediately. Today depending on the amounts that you have on your person you just get a civil ticket instead of a criminal ticket. But the legality of this isn’t the reason for why I smoke marijuana recreationally. 

The main reason that I do smoke it recreationally is for medical purposes. I have a lot of anxiety here lately where I’m living because I never know what to say to people as it might offend them/piss them off, and I all have to do is say hello. As some of you know I have been diagnosed with having a mental illness, Bipolar disorder 1. With my bipolar I have problems trying to sleep at night and yes I am prescribed medications to help me sleep but they don’t work sometimes, and therefore I smoke a bowl of marijuana and then I am ready to go to bed and I usually have a decent night of sleep. Plus by smoking this, I don’t wake up feeling fuzy all day like I do when I take my prescription medications to help me sleep at night. 

You might ask me why I don’t just go and get a medical card for marijuana use and smoke it the legal way. Well I can’t, for a couple of reasons. The first reason is that they don’t offer medical marijuana legally for my issues that I have. Two I’m a felon, and felons can’t apply for the medical card. Also, insurance and state insurance doesn’t pay for it and you have to pay for it out of your own pocket and the medical marijuana is much more expensive then the street. But soon I won’t have to worry about getting the medical card as it was approved to be on the November Primary on approving it for recreational use. Should it pass, as a lot of people (opposition) are saying it will, I will be able to get it and have it legally and not have to worry about the legalities of it. 

In My Blood

The lyrics of this song means so much to me, It couldn’t have came on the radio when it did. So take a gander of these lyrics. They are so strong and powerful.

Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you’ll feel better
Just take her home and you’ll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood
I’m looking through my phone again, feeling anxious
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I’m trying to find a way to chill, can’t breathe, oh
Is there somebody who could

New Medication

When I was admitted to OSF Healthcare Heart of Mary Medical Center in Urbana a couple of weeks ago, they ended up changing my bipolar 1 medications. They ended up adding a new medication but before they could they had to get prior authorization from my health insurance as the cost of Abilify Maintena is around $1500 per month. Once I got the authorization approved I ended up getting the injection and later that day being discharged.

The other day I decided to read all of the side effects of this medication as I was tired all the time but yet couldn’t sleep. After reading the side effects and other information, I found out that that is a side effect of the medication that I will have to learn to cope with. Not only that, but there is weight gain so my primary has to monitor my weight, my blood sugars, cholesterol as it will also cause those to rise as well.

It also stated in the pamphlet that I am not to exercise either. I love being able to be outside and doing things and getting my exercise and now I can’t. I also have to stay out of the sunlight.

I know there are tremendous advantages of this new medication, but I’m not liking the side effects that come with the medications I have to learn to deal with.

Post OSF Healthcare Admission

Today marks 5 days that I have been officially discharged from OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center. Since being discharged from the hospital, I can say that I feel so much better with an outlook on life unlike before my admission to the hospital. I have been taking my prescribed medications as I am supposed to and surprisingly I haven’t been late nor forgotten about it, as that is something that I am good at when it comes to my medication. OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center is a life saver, as they did save my ultimately although it was my brother that caught me right before I jumped off the chair in the garage with a noose around my neck.

People ask me WHY? That question can’t be answered with a simple answer as it is more complex and possibly not even the right answer. There are many factors in someone’s life in which they want to cause harm to themselves or simply take their own lives.  For me at the time of my attempted hanging, it was severe depression, lifeless, worthless feeling, and cabin fever finally sat in.

As you can see in the featured photo on this post, it is a picture of myself in the ambulance for a ride to Urbana to OSF Heart of Mary Adult Behavorial Unit as a direct admit. The facial expression in this photo puts me off as being grumpy, yeah I may have been a little grumpy, but I was more depressed than anything. The ride was enjoyable except for the icy and snowy roads as the ambulance kept sliding across the road until we hit the interstate then it was smooth sailing.

OSF Healthcare

Well on April 2018, I was taken to my local hospital ED for trying to hang myself. I ended up staying in the ED until 9 am the following morning. After that, I got to be transferred to OSF Healthcare Heart of Mary Medical Center in Urbana.

I can say that they since OSF took over ownership, some things have changed and one of the biggest changes is the technology. The technology they use is some of the best. The downfall is that the computers/portable workstations are brand new and they keep freezing. I know they used a mixed environment for technology as that could be some of the problems that they have with their technology “upgrade”. Who knows what the backend server looks like, don’t know if they using just any backend server, or top tier, such as Apple Server, as they mix apple products.

After staying here for the three days that I did, I can officially say that I feel about 85-90% better than what I did before I got there. OSF Healthcare Heart of Mary Medical Center Behavioral Health Unit is simply the best and only hospital-based unit in the area.

OSF Healthcare provides superb healthcare and treats you just like your family. I don’t know what I would do if it wasn’t for OSF Healthcare. I greatly appreciate the services that they provide to our communities.

Next on my list, is getting my individual setup and started which, I will do on Monday.

I Went Hanging

Well today was a shitty ass day. I ended up trying to hang myself and just be done with life. My brother comes in the garage where I am at with the noose around my neck and getting ready to step off the chair I was standing on. 

He wants to know what is wrong and accuses me of doing this for attention. Yea, suicide for attention? Makes sense don’t it. Well he made me call the crisis help line and I got no where with it and he even heard it. He then proceeded to make me call the hospital where I was last hospitalized to find out what to do. They told me to call an ambulance and go to my nearest hospital emergency room. I ended up doing as they said and got taken to the Hoopeston hospital.

Upon arriving to the hospital, I had to strip down to my boxers. My vitals were taken regularly and they advised that they have contacted crisis and that they should be there anytime but are coming from Champaign-Urbana area. Shift changed at 7 that night and crisis was actually called this time. Crisis didn’t show up until around 10 that night and then she fought her ass off to get me into a facility. She was trying every facility at her disposal when I told her specifically what facility I wanted to go to as I had been there before. I didn’t get to go to the facility until 7:30am when I got transferred to Champaign-Urbana to OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center. 

I spent three days there in the facility for treatment of Bipolar Disorder Type 1.  

 

*note this was written on the day and during my stay in the hospital.