9\11

Today is September 11. Today we honor the lives lost and the lives affected by the horrendous acts that happened on September 11, 2001.

Still to this day I can remember where I was and what I was doing on this day. I was sitting in the school cafeteria serving an in school suspension for having too many detentions. The was chaotic when it happened and went on a lock down. Teachers and students were all over the school in a panic. I ended up stopping one of my friends to find out what was going on as I wasn’t in the loop of the purpose of the chaos. There was students and staff that had family and friends working in the Twin Towers. When they finally realized I was still in cafeteria the principal had me go back to class. We had just had new TV’s installed in all the classrooms and it was being broadcast all over the school on the news channels that we watched after lunch.

National Suicide Prevention Week

Well this week is National Suicide Prevention week and World Day of Suicide Prevention.

I can say that we need better resources in our communities to help with this epidemic. I don’t get any help except for my primary care provider as there aren’t resources unless I travel an hour away from home and to get the resources your on a 3 month waiting list and sometimes even longer than that. I am no stranger to Suicide as I have attempted it three times and need the help. I also know of others that have attempted it and need the help. We just can’t access the help that is needed as it isn’t here. We need to come together nationally, as a state, and as a world to help combat this epidemic. In Illinois alone the Suicide rates have went up 11% in the past year. At the national level our members of congress of all parties needs to come together and create a bipartisan plan to help with this.

There are literally thousands of people in prison and jails that don’t need locked up all because they can get the resources they need (mental health). Do you know the cost of that being locked just to get the resources needed. It’s around $31000 per inmate. Outside it is much cheaper than that. We would all come together we could combat this and eradicate it.

So here’s to Suicide Prevention Week and World Day of Suicide.

Us victims hope for a better day everyday.

Boy George and the Culture Club

Well I can say that this was an experience of my lifetime. I couldn’t have asked for a better evening with two amazing friends. I was able to see Boy George & and the Culture Club, B52s, and The Thompson Twins- Tom Bailey.

What made it even better was having the thunderstorms and getting soaked from it all as we didn’t bring any umbrellas or ponchos and he gift shop was sold out when we went in and then Charles goes back in and they bring out more ponchos and got us all a poncho so we could dry off.

While drying off we were able to get closer to the pavilion and see Boy George up close (atleast on the video screen). This evening had been one of a kind and the best.

Boy George and the Culture Club

I can say that this weekend is goin to be amazing. As I am going to Highland Park to Ravinia Festival to see Boy George, B-52s. I have never been to Ravinia Festival so this will be a first time for me and this makes it as my second concert in my life that I have ever been to.

Since joining Rainbow Cafe, I have been experiencing events that I have never gotten to experience in my life and am so grateful for the group and what they do for the LGBTQ community.

I call these people my family and my friends. I also want to thank a great friend Dale. If it wasn’t for him none of this would be possible for me to attend and for me to experience all these wonderful adventures.

September I can say is an eventful month besides having this amazing concert.

I can say that life is looking up and forward and am glad that I have the friends I do in my life because without them I don’t know where I would be.

My last post was pretty depressing but you know what I’m not depressed and it’s all thanks to my amazing friends at Rainbow Cafe.

So here’s until the concert and I will make sure to post pictures and all the happening during the event as well as upcoming events that are planned for the month of September.

With all of these events going on I’ve decided to start planning my birthday although it’s in the winter and there isn’t shit to do but I will figure something out as you only turn 30 once haha. I know whatever I plan that I will be inviting my amazing friends from Rainbow.

So here’s until my next post.

Much love to you all.

Josh

I Just Wanna Die

I Just Wanna Die

I’m to the point that I don’t wanna live anymore and just wanna die. I’m tired of this life that I am living and having no one in my life that even cares. There’s a song out there that I love, and it’s 1-800-273-8255 by Logic. It is simply how I feel right now, and I am playing it on repeat on YouTube.

I’m sitting at home with no running water or even gas to cook as my brother let it get shut off and he isn’t even trying to get it turned back on. He has no care about me nor his own mother, his fleshing blood. He would rather have care for his girlfriend’s family instead of his own when we are the one’s that are always there for him, even when his current girlfriend left him for another guy, we were the ones there for him, not her family.

I’m so done, I don’t know what to do anymore and wish I did. These are my favorite lyrics of the song:

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
(Who can relate? Woo!)
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die today
I just wanna die
I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die
And let me tell you why

All this other shit I’m talkin’ ’bout they think they know it
I’ve been praying for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic
And my life don’t even matter, I know it, I know it
I know I’m hurting deep down but can’t show it
I never had a place to call my own
I never had a home, ain’t nobody callin’ my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind?
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
(Who can relate? Woo!)
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I think that today I’m gonna go on a very long walk to the train tressel and just sit there and relax and be away from everything and be able to think. Maybe a train will come and smash me to smithereens. That would be the best of my life.

Tonya’s Melt Down

Well Tonya has had another meltdown tonight, and man is it childish how she keeps having these meltdowns. This time, she got all pissed and bent out of shape because Rat got high with me. Tonya had plans on getting Rat back, that way I had no friends. Well guess what bitch you didn’t plan very well now did ya. She’s trying to make it where I am depressed that I will try and take another hit on my own life. Well guess what, it ain’t gonna happen, and if it does, I’ll make sure it succeeds this time, because I have my suicide note written it out detailing everything and who caused it all including my suicide, and it’s addressed to her and everything. Since around 8 this evening when it all went down, Tonya packed her shit again and her and Lawrence went to the car to sleep. Well its now 12:44 in the morning and guess what their back in the house cause it was too hot for them apparently. Guess who’s still alive…ME bitches. I was just talking to my niece about this blog post and she says I’m depressed and thinks that I might take a hit on my own life but I’m not, and I told her but she won’t believe it because I said I was fine the last time and tried to hang myself the next day. But I explained to her that I don’t feel the way I did that time or the times in the past, and that I will be fine but she still don’t believe me.

There’s a reason why I’m not going to also, but it’ll ruin Tonya’s plans of me committing suicide. She wants me out of the picture no matter the costs, that way she can be in control once again of everyone and well that ain’t gonna happen. I don’t tell Rat or mom what they can or can not do, as that is something that she does that way their in her control. Well it isn’t gonna happen.

So here’s to another day of being alive ruining Tonya’s plans.

It’s the Weekend

IT'S THE WEEKEND!

By JOSHUA CRAVERO

Well it’s almost the weekend and time to sleep in. I love being able to lounge around occasionally on the weekends and just stay in bed and Netflix and chill. This weekend is going to be one of those weekends where I stay in bed and chill. But before I can start any of that I have one thing that I must do first today and that is to go to my first therapy appointment to deal with my bipolar and suicidal ideations that I have but thankfully my suicidal ideations have went down all thanks to my medications being adjusted and medications being added to my regimen.

I have never went through therapy before, so this will be something new for me that I haven’t experienced before and there will be a post all about that and how it went and if I like my therapist and whether I will continue to seek the therapy that I need at this facility or if I will seek another facility for this.

So here’s to a weekend in bed and relaxation.

Much love

What’s Next??

What's Next

By JOSHUA CRAVERO

I’m to the point that I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I had some guidance on what to do to make everything in the household normal once again, but where do I go to get the guidance that I need. I have tried everything that I know of on what to do and nothing ever works, it always backfires on me. I try my damnedest to fix everything and Tonya always makes everything backfire and spirals everything out of control as that is what she is known for. I put on a smile everyday thinking that today is going to get better and the only thing that happens is it gets worse than the day before. I have tried to talk to Lawrence and that goes nowhere. I even wrote my brother a letter and got no response out of it. I have turned into the IRS for dependent fraud and nothing has happened to that either.

It seems like that I am living in a space full of darkness where I have to look over my back all the time and sleep with one eye open. I shouldn’t have to live like this or have this feeling in my own home, but I do. I wish there was something that I could do to make the darkness that I feel to just go away and I could have a normal life once again like I used about 2 years ago.

I keep a document on my computer of all the “meltdowns” that Tonya has to use as evidence should I ever need it. I never know what is going to happen the moment I close both of my eyes or stop watching over my back. I will push back as much and as often as I can to prove that I am innocent of any of her accusations.

 

More Drama

By Joshua Cravero

Well there’s more drama in the house and it’s getting old as fuck. Thursday morning Tonya had the balls to call the cops on me and say that I opened a credit card in her name and I hacked her phone. Well guess what nothing was done, as there was no evidence to prove that I done anything. I’m sick and tired of the bitch accusing me of doing shit when I haven’t done anything. Hell I’m the one that has been helping her out and this is how I get repaid. Complete bullshit. Hell I tried texting Lawrence and that sorry son of bitch had the balls to ignore those texts.

Something needs to be done with her. She needs mental help and refuses to go and get it. She’s going to end up hurting someone if not herself (she’s already tried cutting herself). But she refuses and Lawrence goes along with her and won’t do anything and won’t make her get the help she desperately needs. I do know that Lawrence can force her to get the help she needs but he won’t. I think he’s afraid of her that’s why he won’t do anything. But what he don’t realize is that if she hurts herself or someone else that he can be held liable as well.

Just two weeks ago, Tonya had a nice talk with me and telling me that she don’t want me in jail or anything else to happen to me. But yet the bitch goes and does this shit to me when I haven’t done a thing to her.

I wrote Lawrence a nice 2 page letter and informed him that Tonya is no longer my sister nor do I have any respect for her. If she wants anything from me, she has to apologize and mean it. Well that hasn’t happened so the bitch ain’t getting anything from me in the for seeable future.

I’m the type of person that can forgive but I sure as hell won’t forget what she has done to me or my family.

Need Help? Don’t Count On It

Need Help? Don’t Count On It

I just love it when you try to seek the help that you are in need of but nobody wants to help you. I have been trying to seek therapy services from my local crisis center since my suicide attempt in April and I haven’t had any success in the matter. Instead I get a form letter in the mail telling me that they have closed my case without any explanation, and when I called for an explanation no could even provide that simple little answer to my question. I was informed that while I was in the hospital that Crosspoint would accept and guess, what all I have had is issues trying to get them to help me. I make phone calls after phone calls and get nowhere with it.

I knew I needed the help before my suicide attempt, and tried to get the help elsewhere and was rejected by giving the excuse that insurance won’t pay for individual therapy services. I then feel the suicidal ideations coming even stronger, so I call crisis like I’m supposed to, and they advised me that there is nothing that they can do unless I make an attempt on my life. So right there it tells ya kill yourself and if you make we’ll help ya and then you do, and still in the same boat. If I had known that I would be getting rejected from getting the much needed help that I need, I would’ve said fuck it instead of wasting peoples much more needed time. I thought the point of human services was to help you when you are down, but I guess it isn’t. I’m just tired of trying to find the help and have no one want to help Sometimes, I believe that everything will be much better when I’m not around, as I can’t get the simplest thing done for myself, and that’s mental health help. Yes, I have mental health issues and need the help but who’s really gonna help me? No one. All you ever hear is that, “you’re important”, “we’ll get you some help”, and the list goes on, and in reality no one does and I’m not important.

I have self-worth issues and feeling my I’m worthless and that there’s no point of me being here. I understand I have these issues. Therapy is supposed to help you understand your problems and how to correct them. Therapy is supposed to help you find your triggers, and I still have yet to find my triggers for my suicidal ideations.

I’ve went through four different organizations to seek therapy services with psychiatric doctors recommendation and referral for the services and get turned away, either because of insurance (even though they pay for it), close your case and don’t know why, or you’re an offender and they don’t provide services to offenders.