Tonya’s Melt Down

Tonya’s Melt Down

Well Tonya has had another meltdown tonight, and man is it childish how she keeps having these meltdowns. This time, she got all pissed and bent out of shape because Rat got high with me. Tonya had plans on getting Rat back, that way I had no friends. Well guess what bitch you didn’t plan very well now did ya. She’s trying to make it where I am depressed that I will try and take another hit on my own life. Well guess what, it ain’t gonna happen, and if it does, I’ll make sure it succeeds this time, because I have my suicide note written it out detailing everything and who caused it all including my suicide, and it’s addressed to her and everything. Since around 8 this evening when it all went down, Tonya packed her shit again and her and Lawrence went to the car to sleep. Well its now 12:44 in the morning and guess what their back in the house cause it was too hot for them apparently. Guess who’s still alive…ME bitches. I was just talking to my niece about this blog post and she says I’m depressed and thinks that I might take a hit on my own life but I’m not, and I told her but she won’t believe it because I said I was fine the last time and tried to hang myself the next day. But I explained to her that I don’t feel the way I did that time or the times in the past, and that I will be fine but she still don’t believe me.

There’s a reason why I’m not going to also, but it’ll ruin Tonya’s plans of me committing suicide. She wants me out of the picture no matter the costs, that way she can be in control once again of everyone and well that ain’t gonna happen. I don’t tell Rat or mom what they can or can not do, as that is something that she does that way their in her control. Well it isn’t gonna happen.

So here’s to another day of being alive ruining Tonya’s plans.

It’s the Weekend



Well it’s almost the weekend and time to sleep in. I love being able to lounge around occasionally on the weekends and just stay in bed and Netflix and chill. This weekend is going to be one of those weekends where I stay in bed and chill. But before I can start any of that I have one thing that I must do first today and that is to go to my first therapy appointment to deal with my bipolar and suicidal ideations that I have but thankfully my suicidal ideations have went down all thanks to my medications being adjusted and medications being added to my regimen.

I have never went through therapy before, so this will be something new for me that I haven’t experienced before and there will be a post all about that and how it went and if I like my therapist and whether I will continue to seek the therapy that I need at this facility or if I will seek another facility for this.

So here’s to a weekend in bed and relaxation.

Much love

What’s Next??

What's Next


I’m to the point that I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I had some guidance on what to do to make everything in the household normal once again, but where do I go to get the guidance that I need. I have tried everything that I know of on what to do and nothing ever works, it always backfires on me. I try my damnedest to fix everything and Tonya always makes everything backfire and spirals everything out of control as that is what she is known for. I put on a smile everyday thinking that today is going to get better and the only thing that happens is it gets worse than the day before. I have tried to talk to Lawrence and that goes nowhere. I even wrote my brother a letter and got no response out of it. I have turned into the IRS for dependent fraud and nothing has happened to that either.

It seems like that I am living in a space full of darkness where I have to look over my back all the time and sleep with one eye open. I shouldn’t have to live like this or have this feeling in my own home, but I do. I wish there was something that I could do to make the darkness that I feel to just go away and I could have a normal life once again like I used about 2 years ago.

I keep a document on my computer of all the “meltdowns” that Tonya has to use as evidence should I ever need it. I never know what is going to happen the moment I close both of my eyes or stop watching over my back. I will push back as much and as often as I can to prove that I am innocent of any of her accusations.


More Drama

By Joshua Cravero

Well there’s more drama in the house and it’s getting old as fuck. Thursday morning Tonya had the balls to call the cops on me and say that I opened a credit card in her name and I hacked her phone. Well guess what nothing was done, as there was no evidence to prove that I done anything. I’m sick and tired of the bitch accusing me of doing shit when I haven’t done anything. Hell I’m the one that has been helping her out and this is how I get repaid. Complete bullshit. Hell I tried texting Lawrence and that sorry son of bitch had the balls to ignore those texts.

Something needs to be done with her. She needs mental help and refuses to go and get it. She’s going to end up hurting someone if not herself (she’s already tried cutting herself). But she refuses and Lawrence goes along with her and won’t do anything and won’t make her get the help she desperately needs. I do know that Lawrence can force her to get the help she needs but he won’t. I think he’s afraid of her that’s why he won’t do anything. But what he don’t realize is that if she hurts herself or someone else that he can be held liable as well.

Just two weeks ago, Tonya had a nice talk with me and telling me that she don’t want me in jail or anything else to happen to me. But yet the bitch goes and does this shit to me when I haven’t done a thing to her.

I wrote Lawrence a nice 2 page letter and informed him that Tonya is no longer my sister nor do I have any respect for her. If she wants anything from me, she has to apologize and mean it. Well that hasn’t happened so the bitch ain’t getting anything from me in the for seeable future.

I’m the type of person that can forgive but I sure as hell won’t forget what she has done to me or my family.

Need Help? Don’t Count On It

Need Help? Don’t Count On It

I just love it when you try to seek the help that you are in need of but nobody wants to help you. I have been trying to seek therapy services from my local crisis center since my suicide attempt in April and I haven’t had any success in the matter. Instead I get a form letter in the mail telling me that they have closed my case without any explanation, and when I called for an explanation no could even provide that simple little answer to my question. I was informed that while I was in the hospital that Crosspoint would accept and guess, what all I have had is issues trying to get them to help me. I make phone calls after phone calls and get nowhere with it.

I knew I needed the help before my suicide attempt, and tried to get the help elsewhere and was rejected by giving the excuse that insurance won’t pay for individual therapy services. I then feel the suicidal ideations coming even stronger, so I call crisis like I’m supposed to, and they advised me that there is nothing that they can do unless I make an attempt on my life. So right there it tells ya kill yourself and if you make we’ll help ya and then you do, and still in the same boat. If I had known that I would be getting rejected from getting the much needed help that I need, I would’ve said fuck it instead of wasting peoples much more needed time. I thought the point of human services was to help you when you are down, but I guess it isn’t. I’m just tired of trying to find the help and have no one want to help Sometimes, I believe that everything will be much better when I’m not around, as I can’t get the simplest thing done for myself, and that’s mental health help. Yes, I have mental health issues and need the help but who’s really gonna help me? No one. All you ever hear is that, “you’re important”, “we’ll get you some help”, and the list goes on, and in reality no one does and I’m not important.

I have self-worth issues and feeling my I’m worthless and that there’s no point of me being here. I understand I have these issues. Therapy is supposed to help you understand your problems and how to correct them. Therapy is supposed to help you find your triggers, and I still have yet to find my triggers for my suicidal ideations.

I’ve went through four different organizations to seek therapy services with psychiatric doctors recommendation and referral for the services and get turned away, either because of insurance (even though they pay for it), close your case and don’t know why, or you’re an offender and they don’t provide services to offenders.

Why I Smoke?



Why I Use It


I can say that the opposition of Marijuana has started to dwindle down in the past few years it seems like to me. I can remember when I was young that it didn’t matter how much marijuana or drug paraphilia would wind you up in jail immediately. Today depending on the amounts that you have on your person you just get a civil ticket instead of a criminal ticket. But the legality of this isn’t the reason for why I smoke marijuana recreationally. 

The main reason that I do smoke it recreationally is for medical purposes. I have a lot of anxiety here lately where I’m living because I never know what to say to people as it might offend them/piss them off, and I all have to do is say hello. As some of you know I have been diagnosed with having a mental illness, Bipolar disorder 1. With my bipolar I have problems trying to sleep at night and yes I am prescribed medications to help me sleep but they don’t work sometimes, and therefore I smoke a bowl of marijuana and then I am ready to go to bed and I usually have a decent night of sleep. Plus by smoking this, I don’t wake up feeling fuzy all day like I do when I take my prescription medications to help me sleep at night. 

You might ask me why I don’t just go and get a medical card for marijuana use and smoke it the legal way. Well I can’t, for a couple of reasons. The first reason is that they don’t offer medical marijuana legally for my issues that I have. Two I’m a felon, and felons can’t apply for the medical card. Also, insurance and state insurance doesn’t pay for it and you have to pay for it out of your own pocket and the medical marijuana is much more expensive then the street. But soon I won’t have to worry about getting the medical card as it was approved to be on the November Primary on approving it for recreational use. Should it pass, as a lot of people (opposition) are saying it will, I will be able to get it and have it legally and not have to worry about the legalities of it. 

In My Blood

The lyrics of this song means so much to me, It couldn’t have came on the radio when it did. So take a gander of these lyrics. They are so strong and powerful.

Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you’ll feel better
Just take her home and you’ll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood
I’m looking through my phone again, feeling anxious
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I’m trying to find a way to chill, can’t breathe, oh
Is there somebody who could

Spring Has Sprung

Well its official finally. Spring has sprung, even though Spring on a calendar would show in April, but it didn’t happen here. Instead we stayed in the form of Winter. We had snow all throughout the month of April, one day it was cold the next it was cool. I’m glad to say that Spring is finally here. 

It is so refreshing to be able to open the windows and have some fresh air in the house and being able to smell the fresh cut grass, rain right before it gets here and so much more. It’s just all transcending and captivating. My flowers have sprouted from the ground now and my tulips are in full bloom. I love being able to wake up to the sounds of the birds chirping early in the morning to watching the sunset go down at night. Thankfully we haven’t had to turn the central air on yet, as once that happens no more fresh air that can take you back to your childhood. 

So here’s to another wonderful and hopefully stormy Spring. 

Paranoid Schizophrenia

Paranoid Schizophrenia

Paranoid Schizophrenia

Children Need to Grow Up

I can say that I know someone that needs to grow the fuck up and go and get the help they desperately need. I can’t live a life like this and neither can my mother or friend Rat. We are constantly accused of talking about her, supposedly we’ve talked behind her back stating we’re gonna throw her out, and the list just keeps going on. Hell, now she thinks the police and our primary care provider have a conspiracy out to get her. There is something wrong and she needs to get it fixed before she ends up hurting herself or others. Hell she’s done tried to run my brother, her boyfriend, over with the car. 

She is the cause of the drama that goes on daily here at the house and has caused my brother to turn his back on his own family by blood. Due to her drama that is one of the reasons that I tried to hang myself at the beginning of the month as I couldn’t handle the stress and drama anymore and just wanted it to stop somehow and didn’t care how. I’m tired of waking up in fear of what I might get accused of. 

I’m tired of all this drama and them acting like children instead of the adults that they are and supposed to be. Sometimes I’m to the point where I want to just say fuck it and give up like I did at the beginning of the month. I don’t know what to do anymore and don’t know who to ask to help. I’ve had agencies such as Adult Protective Services here to help and it worked for a couple of days and then everything went back to “normal”, her drama she always ends up causing. Hell just the other night my mom goes into the kitchen to do what dished there are and she gets accused of whispering and talking about her while she’s in the bathroom. she was accused of either talking to someone else when I was in bed asleep and Rat was too, and guess what, Lawrence took the bitches side as he always does cause he’s afraid of her and won’t stand his ground.

I’m gonna go on with today and see how it all goes. I already know how most of it is going to go, and it’s with them coming home and ignoring us and refusing to talk to us about anything as mom tried to say good morning and she got completely ignored which is completely bullshit after mom provides them with a roof over their head, cable & internet, electricity, and central air in the summer and all they have to pay is one bill and they can’t even afford that supposedly. So here’s to another drama filled day.

Post OSF Healthcare Admission

Today marks 5 days that I have been officially discharged from OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center. Since being discharged from the hospital, I can say that I feel so much better with an outlook on life unlike before my admission to the hospital. I have been taking my prescribed medications as I am supposed to and surprisingly I haven’t been late nor forgotten about it, as that is something that I am good at when it comes to my medication. OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center is a life saver, as they did save my ultimately although it was my brother that caught me right before I jumped off the chair in the garage with a noose around my neck.

People ask me WHY? That question can’t be answered with a simple answer as it is more complex and possibly not even the right answer. There are many factors in someone’s life in which they want to cause harm to themselves or simply take their own lives.  For me at the time of my attempted hanging, it was severe depression, lifeless, worthless feeling, and cabin fever finally sat in.

As you can see in the featured photo on this post, it is a picture of myself in the ambulance for a ride to Urbana to OSF Heart of Mary Adult Behavorial Unit as a direct admit. The facial expression in this photo puts me off as being grumpy, yeah I may have been a little grumpy, but I was more depressed than anything. The ride was enjoyable except for the icy and snowy roads as the ambulance kept sliding across the road until we hit the interstate then it was smooth sailing.