All posts filed under: Life

Need Help? Don’t Count On It

Need Help? Don’t Count On It I just love it when you try to seek the help that you are in need of but nobody wants to help you. I have been trying to seek therapy services from my local crisis center since my suicide attempt in April and I haven’t had any success in the matter. Instead I get a form letter in the mail telling me that they have closed my case without any explanation, and when I called for an explanation no could even provide that simple little answer to my question. I was informed that while I was in the hospital that Crosspoint would accept and guess, what all I have had is issues trying to get them to help me. I make phone calls after phone calls and get nowhere with it. I knew I needed the help before my suicide attempt, and tried to get the help elsewhere and was rejected by giving the excuse that insurance won’t pay for individual therapy services. I then feel the suicidal ideations …

Why I Smoke?

Marijuana Why I Use It I can say that the opposition of Marijuana has started to dwindle down in the past few years it seems like to me. I can remember when I was young that it didn’t matter how much marijuana or drug paraphilia would wind you up in jail immediately. Today depending on the amounts that you have on your person you just get a civil ticket instead of a criminal ticket. But the legality of this isn’t the reason for why I smoke marijuana recreationally. The main reason that I do smoke it recreationally is for medical purposes. I have a lot of anxiety here lately where I’m living because I never know what to say to people as it might offend them/piss them off, and I all have to do is say hello. As some of you know I have been diagnosed with having a mental illness, Bipolar disorder 1. With my bipolar I have problems trying to sleep at night and yes I am prescribed medications to help me sleep …

In My Blood

The lyrics of this song means so much to me, It couldn’t have came on the radio when it did. So take a gander of these lyrics. They are so strong and powerful. Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in Sometimes I feel like giving up But I just can’t It isn’t in my blood Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something I could take to ease my mind slowly Just have a drink and you’ll feel better Just take her home and you’ll feel better Keep telling me that it gets better Does it ever? Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in Sometimes I feel like giving up No medicine is strong enough Someone help me I’m crawling in my skin Sometimes I feel like giving up But I just can’t It isn’t in my blood It isn’t in my blood I’m looking through my phone again, feeling anxious Afraid to be alone again, I hate this I’m trying to find a way …

Spring Has Sprung

Well its official finally. Spring has sprung, even though Spring on a calendar would show in April, but it didn’t happen here. Instead we stayed in the form of Winter. We had snow all throughout the month of April, one day it was cold the next it was cool. I’m glad to say that Spring is finally here.  It is so refreshing to be able to open the windows and have some fresh air in the house and being able to smell the fresh cut grass, rain right before it gets here and so much more. It’s just all transcending and captivating. My flowers have sprouted from the ground now and my tulips are in full bloom. I love being able to wake up to the sounds of the birds chirping early in the morning to watching the sunset go down at night. Thankfully we haven’t had to turn the central air on yet, as once that happens no more fresh air that can take you back to your childhood.  So here’s to another wonderful …

Paranoid Schizophrenia

Paranoid Schizophrenia Paranoid Schizophrenia Children Need to Grow Up I can say that I know someone that needs to grow the fuck up and go and get the help they desperately need. I can’t live a life like this and neither can my mother or friend Rat. We are constantly accused of talking about her, supposedly we’ve talked behind her back stating we’re gonna throw her out, and the list just keeps going on. Hell, now she thinks the police and our primary care provider have a conspiracy out to get her. There is something wrong and she needs to get it fixed before she ends up hurting herself or others. Hell she’s done tried to run my brother, her boyfriend, over with the car.  She is the cause of the drama that goes on daily here at the house and has caused my brother to turn his back on his own family by blood. Due to her drama that is one of the reasons that I tried to hang myself at the beginning of …

Post OSF Healthcare Admission

Today marks 5 days that I have been officially discharged from OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center. Since being discharged from the hospital, I can say that I feel so much better with an outlook on life unlike before my admission to the hospital. I have been taking my prescribed medications as I am supposed to and surprisingly I haven’t been late nor forgotten about it, as that is something that I am good at when it comes to my medication. OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center is a life saver, as they did save my ultimately although it was my brother that caught me right before I jumped off the chair in the garage with a noose around my neck. People ask me WHY? That question can’t be answered with a simple answer as it is more complex and possibly not even the right answer. There are many factors in someone’s life in which they want to cause harm to themselves or simply take their own lives.  For me at the time of my …

Worst Day

I can say that today has already started to be one of the worst days that I have had. Last night I was laying in bed relaxing and watching a little bit of tv and my older brother tells me to get dressed and to come outside, cuz I’m not going to be happy. Well he was right. All of a sudden my passenger rear tire went flat. It popped as my brother was walking by to come inside. I just don’t know what to do anymore, if it isn’t one thing it is another and I’m getting tired of it.  But I guess god wouldn’t give me these pitty issues if he didn’t think I could handle them and at times I doubt myself at being able to handle them.

I Went Hanging

Well today was a shitty ass day. I ended up trying to hang myself and just be done with life. My brother comes in the garage where I am at with the noose around my neck and getting ready to step off the chair I was standing on.  He wants to know what is wrong and accuses me of doing this for attention. Yea, suicide for attention? Makes sense don’t it. Well he made me call the crisis help line and I got no where with it and he even heard it. He then proceeded to make me call the hospital where I was last hospitalized to find out what to do. They told me to call an ambulance and go to my nearest hospital emergency room. I ended up doing as they said and got taken to the Hoopeston hospital. Upon arriving to the hospital, I had to strip down to my boxers. My vitals were taken regularly and they advised that they have contacted crisis and that they should be there anytime but …

I destroy homes…

I destroy homes, tear families apart, take your children, and that’s just the start. I’m more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold, and if you need me, remember I’m easily found. I live all around you, in schools and in town. I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door. My power is awesome; try me you’ll see, but if you do, you may never break free. Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I’ll own your soul. When I possess you, you’ll steal and you’ll lie. You do what you have to just to get high. The crimes you’ll commit, for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasure you’ll feel in your arms. You’ll lie to your mother; you’ll steal from your dad When you see their tears, you should feel sad. But you’ll forget your morals and how you were raised, I’ll be your …