New Me!! The start of a new me is coming….
As I lay here I wonder if life is even worth living anymore. I constantly hear the whispers in the background about me from my own family. I am constantly hearing the ridicule about me and everyone thinks that I don’t hear anything. I hear the whispers and when I enter a room everyone shuts up or changes the subject or completely denies it when confronted about it.
So as I lay here wondering if life is even worth living, I am contemplating the many forms of suicide to take me out so that I can stop hearing all of the whispers and ridicules I know that the overdose of my medication won’t work, as I have tried it twice already and with no success. There are so many different forms of suicide someone can take and I have constantly been thinking about them.
I’m tired of the people in my life telling me who I can have for friends and whether they can come and hang out with me. People wonder why I am so depressed and all I want to do is sleep. What’s the point of being awake when I have people controlling my life and telling me who I can have for friends and what friends are allowed to come over and hang out.
I have tried and I mean tried since last June 2016 to fix things and open a conversation about this and other things and always get shot down and ignored. I’ve tried the help and it just doesn’t work either. So I will continue to lay here in this dark dreary world until it is my time to leave this horrendous world when it is my choice and no one else’s!
With May being Mental Illness month, I thought I would share my mental illness with you. Something that I have had to learn to live live with is a mental illness and depression. When I was in the 4th grade I was diagnosed with having bipolar disorder and depression, and at the time I was on several different medications to manage the symptoms of the disease. At the end of junior high school and the beginning of high school I thought I had the disease under control and well managed and the medications I was on I heard of side effects they could cause so I quit taking the medications. After being off the medications, I thought I really had everything under control until recently.
In June/July 2016 I attempted suicide by drug overdose and was put into a psychiatric hospital due to myself being harmful to myself which was self evident. They ended up putting me on medications which didn’t help, because in december of the same year I ended up trying to commit suicide once again by intentional drug overdose and was once again transferred back to the psychiatric hospital where they changed my medications. There have been times that I have thought of other means of self harm and mutilation to myself.
Some of the underlying issues that surround me doesn’t help with my mental health either. I don’t have a strong support system to help with my mental health. I have people that want to help destroy my support system instead of support and strengthen it and that’s something that is literally surrounding me 24/7.
I know what I have to do to persevere with my life and my health. I know that if I need help there are people out there to provide that to me when I need it and not just to me but to everyone. If you’re in need of help make sure to seek if.
Well I just found out that my my loving and amazing aunt Mimi in Texas passed away. She was such an amazing women and have so many fond memories of her and being with her when she would come up here to Illinois to visit with the family and I would visit her when I was in Texas when I was a kid.
There are so many things that I wish I could put into words on how I feel and how this woman meant to me but I can’t. I’ve heard so many different stories about her that were wonderful and inspiring. She would help anybody she came in contact with. You don’t find many people like that, but she was one of the few people that did.
My family has lost one amazing person and individual and our hearts mourn the loss of her. She won’t be forgotten. May you rest in peace Aunt Mimi until we meet again.
May 10, 1933 – April 23, 2017
Mary Ellen Gorney, 83 passed away Sunday, April 23, 2017, in Tomball, Texas. She was devoted to caring for others. Her special passion was taking care of anyone in need, especially her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. In the Day, Mrs. Gorney was active with the Home Demonstration Club and she often volunteered with school projects. She will be dearly missed. She is preceded in death by her husband, Louis Martin Gorney Jr. and her brother, Daniel Allison, She is survived by her daughters; Kathy Lee Kimich (Raymond), Elizabeth Ann Bishop (Byron), Terrie Jeanette Gorney (Mike Brophy), son, Daniel Martin Gorney, sisters; Patricia Clark, Carol Scharlow, Susan Cavero, Marilyn Stephenson, Linda Siewak, brothers; Bill Lysell, Fred Allison, Al O’Halloren and Larry Huffman, 15 grandchildren and 27 Great Grandchildren. Visitation will be held Wednesday, 5pm-8pm. A rosary will be recited at 7 PM. The funeral Mass will be held the following morning at St. Anne Catholic Church, 1111 S. Cherry St., Tomball, TX 77375. Interment will follow at Brookside Memorial Park.
My last post entitled Lost & Empty, I let my mom see it and read it and her reaction wasn’t what I expected. All she had to say was that she wanted something like that. I was shocked and amazed. How can you not read it and not ask anything about it or have any type of emotions? It was a simple cry for help. Help that I need and want and tried to scream and ask for and did I get it, hell no. All I get is, I want something like that.
What is the point of asking for help when no one is willing to help or willing to offer resources that aren’t even going to help? I have tried to get admitted to the hospital so that I can get help, as I was told to go there to get the help that I need and then the hospital turns me away. I am actually trying to ask for help and it is like everyone is deaf and can’t hear my screams for help no matter how loud I scream it.
I think I’m just gonna give up on trying to ask for the help that I need and just do it myself although it may not be healthy but what am I supposed to do when no one is listening to me.
That was like, I was writing my last post and company comes over while I’m in the middle of writing and I catch hell because I didn’t answer their phone call. Well, you know what, I was in the middle of something that was extremely important and didn’t have the time to answer it. I told this person what I was doing, writing my feelings, and their response was to put it on pause and answer the phone. That’s just something you can’t do. You can’t just put your feelings on pause or hold just to please someone. What gets me, is that after I told them what I was doing, did they bother to ask me, how I was or how I was feeling or anything? Hell no! I got nothing as usual. So here’s to me saying fuck it, I’m just gonna do what I can do myself to help myself even if it may not be mentally healthy, but what other choices do I have? None!
Here lately I have felt like I am lost somewhere and don’t belong and completely empty on the inside. I have been taking my medications like I am supposed to be doing but I think it is something more than that. I feel like I don’t belong here anymore and never really have. I have tried to talk to someone but it seems like no one wants to listen to me. With this emptiness and feeling lost I have been also getting severely agitated as well with just anything. I’m to the point that I don’t care anymore of who I piss off or not and I sure as in the hell not going to keep keeping the peace in the house anymore, I’m just tired of it. I wish I didn’t have these feelings anymore, and I know of one way and only way in order to get rid of these specific feelings and that’s just leaving this so-called wonderful world.
I have been trying for many years to try and find myself and where I belong and I am still lost and can’t find where I am supposed to be. I thought that when I went to California that I would find myself there or even when I was in Chicago on several occasions and am still lost. I have travelled to many destinations trying to find where I belong so I am no longer lost and have been unsuccessful. I feel like the only place I won’t be lost is by taking myself out of the equation. The first time I tried to commit suicide which I hardly remember anything, I felt like I was at peace and right where I belong. I was numb and didn’t feel anything and that was the best feeling I have ever felt.
My emptiness that I keep feeling just keeps getting stronger, like I have nothing on the inside and nothing to look forward, in which I don’t. I have nothing to look forward and I don’t look toward tomorrow when I when I go to sleep as the emptiness just keeps getting more empty than what it was the day before. I wish tomorrow would never come so I wouldn’t have to feel the emptiness grow stronger. Sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up and then I wouldn’t have to deal with being empty and lost anymore.
Something that helps brew my agitation, is the hatred and ass kissing attitudes that I have to live with and deal with on a daily basis. There is just so much hatred and ass kissing attitudes going on just in my house alone that I have to live with daily. It just gets so much under my skin that it makes me sick to my stomach so much that I just want to stay in my room and not deal with anything. Between feeling lost, empty and agitated, I am stuck in my room and listening to my music so I can drown everything out.
All the hatred attitude is always pointed towards me and then people wanna act like nothing and always want me to do something for them or help them with their problems. When I have problems they just act like they care and then when they think they have succeeded at making me feel better here comes the hatred again. People think that I don’t hear all the whispers that go on in this house, or when they go to other people and talk about me because it always gets back to me. I hear everything that goes on and how people think of me. What really agitates me is when, I try to get my feelings out, which may hurt other people and they get all defensive and wanna start a fight when in reality all I’m doing is speaking my feelings and the truth.
The ass kissing comes in so that there is peace in the house. You know what I’m to the point I don’t give a fuck about keeping peace. Peace is overrated in this society, hell look at our current president (Donald J. Trump) we have. I’m sick of hearing this excuse all the time, gotta keep peace. Why do we have to keep peace, what’s the point, it just builds on your own stress and the stress around others. I don’t see any point in keeping peace, which is why I’m not. I’m not going to be kissing everyone’s ass just to keep the peace. I am not going to keep adding onto my shoulders just to make everyone else happy. I’m not going to be a people pleaser anymore. I’m going to start doing me and only me before I even think about anyone else.
Well I can say that the past couple of days I have not been feeling myself mentally. I don’t think that the medication that I am currently on is doing what it is supposed to be doing for me and it needs to be changed. I have been depressed more and manic more than usual. I haven’t been able to sleep or when I do its for only a couple of hours. I keep getting asked if I’m okay, and I just say that I am because it is so much easier to say that I am ok than having to try and explain to everyone how I am feeling. I wish I was a lot easier to explain on how I feel, but it’s not. So I have to wait for the doctors office in Champaign to call me to schedule an appointment so that I can see the doctor and get my medication managed the way that it needs to be done. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with this on a daily basis, as it gets to be too much for me sometimes and just don’t want to be here anymore and not have to worry about anything anymore.
No one (family) understands what I am going through or how I am feeling. This is a lot for me and at times it seems like it is too much for me and that I can’t handle it. I have no mental strength to get up and do things, the simplest things around the house nor do I even want to. If I could just stay in my bed all the time and not have to come out of it, I would be happy. But that’s something that I don’t wanna do my whole life. I wanna be able to enjoy my life and have fun just like everyone else does. That’s why I am waiting patiently for the doctors office to call me so that I can get scheduled to see a psychiatrist to get my meds taken care of.
When I was in the hospital emergency room last week to try and get my meds fixed, the crisis counselor asked me what some of my triggers were and my coping skills for the triggers. Well I have all kinds of coping skills but I don’t know what my triggers are exactly. It can range from a scene in a tv show that I just watched to not having enough hot water to take a shower. I understand that I need to figure out my triggers and how to cope with them and get them under control but that is something that I don’t know how to do, as I don’t know exactly what my triggers are.
That was like today I took my mom shopping and out to eat and I didn’t even feel enthused about doing it, and trust me, I love to go shopping and enjoying myself. Mom asks me if I had fun, and I just lied straight to her face, and said yes I enjoyed it. It’s just so much easier to say that I had fun or I’m doing okay even when I’m not, than having to explain all of it and then her not even understand it. So I don’t know what to do anymore.
Have I thought about suicide lately?! Yes, I actually have. I have thought about it a lot here lately as a source of trying to get help, but thats going extreme and would get accused of trying to get attention. I’m literally where I don’t wanna be here anymore and not have to deal with anything.
So here’s to another day of being in the slumps and trying to figure out what to do with my life.