All posts filed under: How I Feel Today?!

Need Help? Don’t Count On It

Need Help? Don’t Count On It I just love it when you try to seek the help that you are in need of but nobody wants to help you. I have been trying to seek therapy services from my local crisis center since my suicide attempt in April and I haven’t had any success in the matter. Instead I get a form letter in the mail telling me that they have closed my case without any explanation, and when I called for an explanation no could even provide that simple little answer to my question. I was informed that while I was in the hospital that Crosspoint would accept and guess, what all I have had is issues trying to get them to help me. I make phone calls after phone calls and get nowhere with it. I knew I needed the help before my suicide attempt, and tried to get the help elsewhere and was rejected by giving the excuse that insurance won’t pay for individual therapy services. I then feel the suicidal ideations …

In My Blood

The lyrics of this song means so much to me, It couldn’t have came on the radio when it did. So take a gander of these lyrics. They are so strong and powerful. Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in Sometimes I feel like giving up But I just can’t It isn’t in my blood Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something I could take to ease my mind slowly Just have a drink and you’ll feel better Just take her home and you’ll feel better Keep telling me that it gets better Does it ever? Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in Sometimes I feel like giving up No medicine is strong enough Someone help me I’m crawling in my skin Sometimes I feel like giving up But I just can’t It isn’t in my blood It isn’t in my blood I’m looking through my phone again, feeling anxious Afraid to be alone again, I hate this I’m trying to find a way …

Back to Normal

Today it seemed like everything was back to normal around the house. Tonya fixed supper, Lawrence done the dishes and even took the trash out early. We all played a game of Phase 10 although we asked Rat and he said no. I already know the reason of why he said no, because he does not like the game at all. He says it takes too long to play.  With everything seeming like it’s all back to normal again like it used to be, I still don’t believe it. In my opinion this is just a cover up as something is going to happen and only god knows that that’s going to be, but on the usual Tonya will get all pissed off about something that once again only god knows what about. But she will either say that I done something again or said something when nothing was done or said, or she’ll project the same accusations against my mom or Rat or even Lawrence, even though he isn’t here.  I know with all …

Worst Day

I can say that today has already started to be one of the worst days that I have had. Last night I was laying in bed relaxing and watching a little bit of tv and my older brother tells me to get dressed and to come outside, cuz I’m not going to be happy. Well he was right. All of a sudden my passenger rear tire went flat. It popped as my brother was walking by to come inside. I just don’t know what to do anymore, if it isn’t one thing it is another and I’m getting tired of it.  But I guess god wouldn’t give me these pitty issues if he didn’t think I could handle them and at times I doubt myself at being able to handle them.

As I lay here….

As I lay here I wonder if life is even worth living anymore. I constantly hear the whispers in the background about me from my own family. I am constantly hearing the ridicule about me and everyone thinks that I don’t hear anything. I hear the whispers and when I enter a room everyone shuts up or changes the subject or completely denies it when confronted about it. So as I lay here wondering if life is even worth living, I am contemplating the many forms of suicide to take me out so that I can stop hearing all of the whispers and ridicules I know that the overdose of my medication won’t work, as I have tried it twice already and with no success. There are so many different forms of suicide someone can take and I have constantly been thinking about them. I’m tired of the people in my life telling me who I can have for friends and whether they can come and hang out with me. People wonder why I am …

Mental Illness

With May being Mental Illness month, I thought I would share my mental illness with you. Something that I have had to learn to live live with is a mental illness and depression. When I was in the 4th grade I was diagnosed with having bipolar disorder and depression, and at the time I was on several different medications to manage the symptoms of the disease. At the end of junior high school and the beginning of high school I thought I had the disease under control and well managed and the medications I was on I heard of side effects they could cause so I quit taking the medications. After being off the medications, I thought I really had everything under control until recently. In June/July 2016 I attempted suicide by drug overdose and was put into a psychiatric hospital due to myself being harmful to myself which was self evident. They ended up putting me on medications which didn’t help, because in december of the same year I ended up trying to commit …

Death

Well I just found out that my my loving and amazing aunt Mimi in Texas passed away. She was such an amazing women and have so many fond memories of her and being with her when she would come up here to Illinois to visit with the family and I would visit her when I was in Texas when I was a kid. There are so many things that I wish I could put into words on how I feel and how this woman meant to me but I can’t. I’ve heard so many different stories about her that were wonderful and inspiring. She would help anybody she came in contact with. You don’t find many people like that, but she was one of the few people that did. My family has lost one amazing person and individual and our hearts mourn the loss of her. She won’t be forgotten. May you rest in peace Aunt Mimi until we meet again. May 10, 1933 – April 23, 2017 Mary Ellen Gorney, 83 passed away Sunday, …

Help!

My last post entitled Lost & Empty, I let my mom see it and read it and her reaction wasn’t what I expected. All she had to say was that she wanted something like that. I was shocked and amazed. How can you not read it and not ask anything about it or have any type of emotions? It was a simple cry for help. Help that I need and want and tried to scream and ask for and did I get it, hell no. All I get is, I want something like that. What is the point of asking for help when no one is willing to help or willing to offer resources that aren’t even going to help? I have tried to get admitted to the hospital so that I can get help, as I was told to go there to get the help that I need and then the hospital turns me away. I am actually trying to ask for help and it is like everyone is deaf and can’t hear my screams for …

Lost & Empty

Here lately I have felt like I am lost somewhere and don’t belong and completely empty on the inside. I have been taking my medications like I am supposed to be doing but I think it is something more than that. I feel like I don’t belong here anymore and never really have. I have tried to talk to someone but it seems like no one wants to listen to me. With this emptiness and feeling lost I have been also getting severely agitated as well with just anything. I’m to the point that I don’t care anymore of who I piss off or not and I sure as in the hell not going to keep keeping the peace in the house anymore, I’m just tired of it. I wish I didn’t have these feelings anymore, and I know of one way and only way in order to get rid of these specific feelings and that’s just leaving this so-called wonderful world. I have been trying for many years to try and find myself and …