I Just Wanna Die

I Just Wanna Die

I’m to the point that I don’t wanna live anymore and just wanna die. I’m tired of this life that I am living and having no one in my life that even cares. There’s a song out there that I love, and it’s 1-800-273-8255 by Logic. It is simply how I feel right now, and I am playing it on repeat on YouTube.

I’m sitting at home with no running water or even gas to cook as my brother let it get shut off and he isn’t even trying to get it turned back on. He has no care about me nor his own mother, his fleshing blood. He would rather have care for his girlfriend’s family instead of his own when we are the one’s that are always there for him, even when his current girlfriend left him for another guy, we were the ones there for him, not her family.

I’m so done, I don’t know what to do anymore and wish I did. These are my favorite lyrics of the song:

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
(Who can relate? Woo!)
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die today
I just wanna die
I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die
And let me tell you why

All this other shit I’m talkin’ ’bout they think they know it
I’ve been praying for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic
And my life don’t even matter, I know it, I know it
I know I’m hurting deep down but can’t show it
I never had a place to call my own
I never had a home, ain’t nobody callin’ my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind?
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
(Who can relate? Woo!)
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I think that today I’m gonna go on a very long walk to the train tressel and just sit there and relax and be away from everything and be able to think. Maybe a train will come and smash me to smithereens. That would be the best of my life.

Tonya’s Melt Down

Well Tonya has had another meltdown tonight, and man is it childish how she keeps having these meltdowns. This time, she got all pissed and bent out of shape because Rat got high with me. Tonya had plans on getting Rat back, that way I had no friends. Well guess what bitch you didn’t plan very well now did ya. She’s trying to make it where I am depressed that I will try and take another hit on my own life. Well guess what, it ain’t gonna happen, and if it does, I’ll make sure it succeeds this time, because I have my suicide note written it out detailing everything and who caused it all including my suicide, and it’s addressed to her and everything. Since around 8 this evening when it all went down, Tonya packed her shit again and her and Lawrence went to the car to sleep. Well its now 12:44 in the morning and guess what their back in the house cause it was too hot for them apparently. Guess who’s still alive…ME bitches. I was just talking to my niece about this blog post and she says I’m depressed and thinks that I might take a hit on my own life but I’m not, and I told her but she won’t believe it because I said I was fine the last time and tried to hang myself the next day. But I explained to her that I don’t feel the way I did that time or the times in the past, and that I will be fine but she still don’t believe me.

There’s a reason why I’m not going to also, but it’ll ruin Tonya’s plans of me committing suicide. She wants me out of the picture no matter the costs, that way she can be in control once again of everyone and well that ain’t gonna happen. I don’t tell Rat or mom what they can or can not do, as that is something that she does that way their in her control. Well it isn’t gonna happen.

So here’s to another day of being alive ruining Tonya’s plans.

Depression Strikes Back

Well part of my Bipolar has made a comeback. The past couple of days all I have done is stay in bed and completely ignore everyone. I have just wanted to be myself and no one understands that. I wish the depression would go away and never come back and just have to deal with the mania, but I know that won’t happen. I have my highs and then I have my lows. When I have my lows, it is the worst feeling ever. I just stay in bed all covered up and not give to fucks in the world of what is going on around me. I want to be left alone and be by myself. People don’t understand my disease, after dealing with my mania, which I would prefer to do, I have to deal with my lows which is something that I don’t wish on anyone even my worst enemy.

I think I know what triggered my low this time. I just wish it wasn’t that and that my low would hurry up and go away so that I can have my mania back and be back to normal. It’s currently 4:24 in the morning as I am writing this and I can not sleep. I am restless as fuck, and it’s getting old. I tried taking my medications that are prescribed to me to help me sleep and they aren’t working, and I even tried to get high as that usually helps me sleep and still nothing. I am writing this as I am wide awake but want to sleep.

So here’s to my depression being back.

More Drama

By Joshua Cravero

Well there’s more drama in the house and it’s getting old as fuck. Thursday morning Tonya had the balls to call the cops on me and say that I opened a credit card in her name and I hacked her phone. Well guess what nothing was done, as there was no evidence to prove that I done anything. I’m sick and tired of the bitch accusing me of doing shit when I haven’t done anything. Hell I’m the one that has been helping her out and this is how I get repaid. Complete bullshit. Hell I tried texting Lawrence and that sorry son of bitch had the balls to ignore those texts.

Something needs to be done with her. She needs mental help and refuses to go and get it. She’s going to end up hurting someone if not herself (she’s already tried cutting herself). But she refuses and Lawrence goes along with her and won’t do anything and won’t make her get the help she desperately needs. I do know that Lawrence can force her to get the help she needs but he won’t. I think he’s afraid of her that’s why he won’t do anything. But what he don’t realize is that if she hurts herself or someone else that he can be held liable as well.

Just two weeks ago, Tonya had a nice talk with me and telling me that she don’t want me in jail or anything else to happen to me. But yet the bitch goes and does this shit to me when I haven’t done a thing to her.

I wrote Lawrence a nice 2 page letter and informed him that Tonya is no longer my sister nor do I have any respect for her. If she wants anything from me, she has to apologize and mean it. Well that hasn’t happened so the bitch ain’t getting anything from me in the for seeable future.

I’m the type of person that can forgive but I sure as hell won’t forget what she has done to me or my family.

Why I Smoke?

 

Marijuana

Why I Use It

 

I can say that the opposition of Marijuana has started to dwindle down in the past few years it seems like to me. I can remember when I was young that it didn’t matter how much marijuana or drug paraphilia would wind you up in jail immediately. Today depending on the amounts that you have on your person you just get a civil ticket instead of a criminal ticket. But the legality of this isn’t the reason for why I smoke marijuana recreationally. 

The main reason that I do smoke it recreationally is for medical purposes. I have a lot of anxiety here lately where I’m living because I never know what to say to people as it might offend them/piss them off, and I all have to do is say hello. As some of you know I have been diagnosed with having a mental illness, Bipolar disorder 1. With my bipolar I have problems trying to sleep at night and yes I am prescribed medications to help me sleep but they don’t work sometimes, and therefore I smoke a bowl of marijuana and then I am ready to go to bed and I usually have a decent night of sleep. Plus by smoking this, I don’t wake up feeling fuzy all day like I do when I take my prescription medications to help me sleep at night. 

You might ask me why I don’t just go and get a medical card for marijuana use and smoke it the legal way. Well I can’t, for a couple of reasons. The first reason is that they don’t offer medical marijuana legally for my issues that I have. Two I’m a felon, and felons can’t apply for the medical card. Also, insurance and state insurance doesn’t pay for it and you have to pay for it out of your own pocket and the medical marijuana is much more expensive then the street. But soon I won’t have to worry about getting the medical card as it was approved to be on the November Primary on approving it for recreational use. Should it pass, as a lot of people (opposition) are saying it will, I will be able to get it and have it legally and not have to worry about the legalities of it. 

In My Blood

The lyrics of this song means so much to me, It couldn’t have came on the radio when it did. So take a gander of these lyrics. They are so strong and powerful.

Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you’ll feel better
Just take her home and you’ll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood
I’m looking through my phone again, feeling anxious
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I’m trying to find a way to chill, can’t breathe, oh
Is there somebody who could

Back to Normal

Today it seemed like everything was back to normal around the house. Tonya fixed supper, Lawrence done the dishes and even took the trash out early. We all played a game of Phase 10 although we asked Rat and he said no. I already know the reason of why he said no, because he does not like the game at all. He says it takes too long to play. 

With everything seeming like it’s all back to normal again like it used to be, I still don’t believe it. In my opinion this is just a cover up as something is going to happen and only god knows that that’s going to be, but on the usual Tonya will get all pissed off about something that once again only god knows what about. But she will either say that I done something again or said something when nothing was done or said, or she’ll project the same accusations against my mom or Rat or even Lawrence, even though he isn’t here. 

I know with all of these tantrums, it’s getting old and I can’t deal with it anymore. I can say that sometimes I don’t think the medication for my Bipolar is even working as it feels like I need to check back into the hospital. 

So with today being a normal day, lets see what tomorrow brings. 

Post OSF Healthcare Admission

Today marks 5 days that I have been officially discharged from OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center. Since being discharged from the hospital, I can say that I feel so much better with an outlook on life unlike before my admission to the hospital. I have been taking my prescribed medications as I am supposed to and surprisingly I haven’t been late nor forgotten about it, as that is something that I am good at when it comes to my medication. OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center is a life saver, as they did save my ultimately although it was my brother that caught me right before I jumped off the chair in the garage with a noose around my neck.

People ask me WHY? That question can’t be answered with a simple answer as it is more complex and possibly not even the right answer. There are many factors in someone’s life in which they want to cause harm to themselves or simply take their own lives.  For me at the time of my attempted hanging, it was severe depression, lifeless, worthless feeling, and cabin fever finally sat in.

As you can see in the featured photo on this post, it is a picture of myself in the ambulance for a ride to Urbana to OSF Heart of Mary Adult Behavorial Unit as a direct admit. The facial expression in this photo puts me off as being grumpy, yeah I may have been a little grumpy, but I was more depressed than anything. The ride was enjoyable except for the icy and snowy roads as the ambulance kept sliding across the road until we hit the interstate then it was smooth sailing.

I Went Hanging

Well today was a shitty ass day. I ended up trying to hang myself and just be done with life. My brother comes in the garage where I am at with the noose around my neck and getting ready to step off the chair I was standing on. 

He wants to know what is wrong and accuses me of doing this for attention. Yea, suicide for attention? Makes sense don’t it. Well he made me call the crisis help line and I got no where with it and he even heard it. He then proceeded to make me call the hospital where I was last hospitalized to find out what to do. They told me to call an ambulance and go to my nearest hospital emergency room. I ended up doing as they said and got taken to the Hoopeston hospital.

Upon arriving to the hospital, I had to strip down to my boxers. My vitals were taken regularly and they advised that they have contacted crisis and that they should be there anytime but are coming from Champaign-Urbana area. Shift changed at 7 that night and crisis was actually called this time. Crisis didn’t show up until around 10 that night and then she fought her ass off to get me into a facility. She was trying every facility at her disposal when I told her specifically what facility I wanted to go to as I had been there before. I didn’t get to go to the facility until 7:30am when I got transferred to Champaign-Urbana to OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center. 

I spent three days there in the facility for treatment of Bipolar Disorder Type 1.  

 

*note this was written on the day and during my stay in the hospital.

I Was Hi-Jacked

All I know is that tonight was traumatic and full of drama from the moment I walked outside of group in Paxton. I ended up getting in my car and it is pitch black out as its 5:00pm at night and there are no lights in the parking lot. Once I got in my car and backed out of my parking spot I was in, someone came up tapping on my passenger side window and I thought it was someone in my group coming over before I left to see if they could bum a smoke or something, and when I went to roll down the window I hit the unlock button instead of the window button and he jumped in my car and told me to fucking drive. I got to the entrance/exit of the parking lot and there was a car blocking part of the driveway and I told him I couldn’t go anywhere because of the car being in my way and he told me to fucking go around. I did as I was told to do by him and then he asked me if I had a screwdriver in my car and I said nope even though in reality I probably did haha. As I was driving over the overpass by the car dealership so I could come into Paxton, he wanted to go to the dealership so that he could just steal a car from there, but then he changed his mind because the dealership was closed. Therefore he told me to go to Casey’s and wanted me to drive around the parking lot so that he could see if any of the vehicles had their keys in them so that he could steal one of them. I sure in the hell didn’t do that. I went straight to the front door of the Casey’s and went in and when I got out of my car, I made sure I had my keys and then made sure my car was all locked up. I went in and asked the cashier to please call 911 and I proceeded to tell her why when she asked me why, and an old lady came in the store all frantic as the guy that hi-jacked me had shoved her around and was in her car and took cash from her purse and was trying to steal her car but the idiot couldn’t because he couldn’t figure out how to start the car. There was a guy in the store that went out there and ended up tackling him to the ground once he got him out of the older lady’s vehicle. In the process of tackling him, he ended up bashing the suspects head into the concrete pole that is around the gas pumps. The guy had him pinned down until Paxton Police arrived, which was Sgt. Yates. Eventually Sgt. Yates paged for an ambulance to evaluate him and transport to the hospital for injuries sustained. While the EMTs were evaluating the suspect they dispatched another ambulance to the scene for the older lady as she has a heart condition just so that she can get checked out and nothing is wrong with her. Sgt. Yates ended up having me fill out a police report and it was Officer Stafford that brought me the report and directed me to fill it out to the best of my ability describing everything in detail as if they could see everything how it all turned out to be in my words. I got it all filled out and gave it to Officer Stafford and then I was released to leave and head home. This I can say was a scary sight from hell that I had to deal with.

http://www.news-gazette.com/news/local/2017-12-26/parolee-held-several-charges-attempted-carjackings-paxton.html