I Just Wanna Die

I Just Wanna Die

I’m to the point that I don’t wanna live anymore and just wanna die. I’m tired of this life that I am living and having no one in my life that even cares. There’s a song out there that I love, and it’s 1-800-273-8255 by Logic. It is simply how I feel right now, and I am playing it on repeat on YouTube.

I’m sitting at home with no running water or even gas to cook as my brother let it get shut off and he isn’t even trying to get it turned back on. He has no care about me nor his own mother, his fleshing blood. He would rather have care for his girlfriend’s family instead of his own when we are the one’s that are always there for him, even when his current girlfriend left him for another guy, we were the ones there for him, not her family.

I’m so done, I don’t know what to do anymore and wish I did. These are my favorite lyrics of the song:

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
(Who can relate? Woo!)
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die today
I just wanna die
I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die
And let me tell you why

All this other shit I’m talkin’ ’bout they think they know it
I’ve been praying for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic
And my life don’t even matter, I know it, I know it
I know I’m hurting deep down but can’t show it
I never had a place to call my own
I never had a home, ain’t nobody callin’ my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind?
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
(Who can relate? Woo!)
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I think that today I’m gonna go on a very long walk to the train tressel and just sit there and relax and be away from everything and be able to think. Maybe a train will come and smash me to smithereens. That would be the best of my life.

Tonya’s Melt Down

Well Tonya has had another meltdown tonight, and man is it childish how she keeps having these meltdowns. This time, she got all pissed and bent out of shape because Rat got high with me. Tonya had plans on getting Rat back, that way I had no friends. Well guess what bitch you didn’t plan very well now did ya. She’s trying to make it where I am depressed that I will try and take another hit on my own life. Well guess what, it ain’t gonna happen, and if it does, I’ll make sure it succeeds this time, because I have my suicide note written it out detailing everything and who caused it all including my suicide, and it’s addressed to her and everything. Since around 8 this evening when it all went down, Tonya packed her shit again and her and Lawrence went to the car to sleep. Well its now 12:44 in the morning and guess what their back in the house cause it was too hot for them apparently. Guess who’s still alive…ME bitches. I was just talking to my niece about this blog post and she says I’m depressed and thinks that I might take a hit on my own life but I’m not, and I told her but she won’t believe it because I said I was fine the last time and tried to hang myself the next day. But I explained to her that I don’t feel the way I did that time or the times in the past, and that I will be fine but she still don’t believe me.

There’s a reason why I’m not going to also, but it’ll ruin Tonya’s plans of me committing suicide. She wants me out of the picture no matter the costs, that way she can be in control once again of everyone and well that ain’t gonna happen. I don’t tell Rat or mom what they can or can not do, as that is something that she does that way their in her control. Well it isn’t gonna happen.

So here’s to another day of being alive ruining Tonya’s plans.

Depression Stil Here

Well my depression is still here and it has been 3 days so far that I have been stuck in bed and not have any cares in the world. This depression thing really sucks but I look at it as a way to recoup from all of the mania that I get to experience. So I think in the next couple days I will have everything back to my normal, which is having my mania. I wish I had something that was in between because that would satisfy my mania and depression and would be in my opinion “normal”.

I was told today that my mom said that she feels that I’m going to make another suicide attempt, as when I get like this I make an attempt. Which I don’t think that I will make another attempt on my life, atleast during this spat of depression. I’m not at depressed or stressed like I was the last time. Atleast someone here in the house is acknowledging of when I usually make an attempt on my life, but wrong timing. Have I thought of committing suicide recently? Yes I have and think about it everyday, as sometimes I have my mind believing that everyone would be better off without me as all I am is a burden to them. But I can’t say for sure that I wouldn’t make an attempt on my life, because the last time I did I told my primary care provider that I wasn’t that bad and two days later I tried to hang myself.

So here’s to another couple days of depression and then here comes the mania, as I can already feel some of the effects of mania coming on.

Give an update on my mental health in a couple days…