Post OSF Healthcare Admission

Today marks 5 days that I have been officially discharged from OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center. Since being discharged from the hospital, I can say that I feel so much better with an outlook on life unlike before my admission to the hospital. I have been taking my prescribed medications as I am supposed to and surprisingly I haven’t been late nor forgotten about it, as that is something that I am good at when it comes to my medication. OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center is a life saver, as they did save my ultimately although it was my brother that caught me right before I jumped off the chair in the garage with a noose around my neck.

People ask me WHY? That question can’t be answered with a simple answer as it is more complex and possibly not even the right answer. There are many factors in someone’s life in which they want to cause harm to themselves or simply take their own lives.  For me at the time of my attempted hanging, it was severe depression, lifeless, worthless feeling, and cabin fever finally sat in.

As you can see in the featured photo on this post, it is a picture of myself in the ambulance for a ride to Urbana to OSF Heart of Mary Adult Behavorial Unit as a direct admit. The facial expression in this photo puts me off as being grumpy, yeah I may have been a little grumpy, but I was more depressed than anything. The ride was enjoyable except for the icy and snowy roads as the ambulance kept sliding across the road until we hit the interstate then it was smooth sailing.

Worst Day

I can say that today has already started to be one of the worst days that I have had. Last night I was laying in bed relaxing and watching a little bit of tv and my older brother tells me to get dressed and to come outside, cuz I’m not going to be happy. Well he was right. All of a sudden my passenger rear tire went flat. It popped as my brother was walking by to come inside.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, if it isn’t one thing it is another and I’m getting tired of it.  But I guess god wouldn’t give me these pitty issues if he didn’t think I could handle them and at times I doubt myself at being able to handle them.

OSF Healthcare

Well on April 2018, I was taken to my local hospital ED for trying to hang myself. I ended up staying in the ED until 9 am the following morning. After that, I got to be transferred to OSF Healthcare Heart of Mary Medical Center in Urbana.

I can say that they since OSF took over ownership, some things have changed and one of the biggest changes is the technology. The technology they use is some of the best. The downfall is that the computers/portable workstations are brand new and they keep freezing. I know they used a mixed environment for technology as that could be some of the problems that they have with their technology “upgrade”. Who knows what the backend server looks like, don’t know if they using just any backend server, or top tier, such as Apple Server, as they mix apple products.

After staying here for the three days that I did, I can officially say that I feel about 85-90% better than what I did before I got there. OSF Healthcare Heart of Mary Medical Center Behavioral Health Unit is simply the best and only hospital-based unit in the area.

OSF Healthcare provides superb healthcare and treats you just like your family. I don’t know what I would do if it wasn’t for OSF Healthcare. I greatly appreciate the services that they provide to our communities.

Next on my list, is getting my individual setup and started which, I will do on Monday.

I Went Hanging

Well today was a shitty ass day. I ended up trying to hang myself and just be done with life. My brother comes in the garage where I am at with the noose around my neck and getting ready to step off the chair I was standing on. 

He wants to know what is wrong and accuses me of doing this for attention. Yea, suicide for attention? Makes sense don’t it. Well he made me call the crisis help line and I got no where with it and he even heard it. He then proceeded to make me call the hospital where I was last hospitalized to find out what to do. They told me to call an ambulance and go to my nearest hospital emergency room. I ended up doing as they said and got taken to the Hoopeston hospital.

Upon arriving to the hospital, I had to strip down to my boxers. My vitals were taken regularly and they advised that they have contacted crisis and that they should be there anytime but are coming from Champaign-Urbana area. Shift changed at 7 that night and crisis was actually called this time. Crisis didn’t show up until around 10 that night and then she fought her ass off to get me into a facility. She was trying every facility at her disposal when I told her specifically what facility I wanted to go to as I had been there before. I didn’t get to go to the facility until 7:30am when I got transferred to Champaign-Urbana to OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center. 

I spent three days there in the facility for treatment of Bipolar Disorder Type 1.  

 

*note this was written on the day and during my stay in the hospital.

Humanity & Compassion

Anymore I just don’t understand people. I have been hearing some depressing news about a best friend that I have distanced myself from due to their drug use, but that is their business. I’ve been told my this friend is so messed up that I wouldn’t even recognize them if I saw them in public because all they are is skin covering bone. I wish there was something that I could do but there isn’t, and I know they won’t listen to me or anything because trust me, I have tried before on several occasions and it didn’t work and they wouldn’t listen. It just breaks my heart to hear these things that I am hearing.

Then I hear about another friend but more of an acquaintance than a friend, and they are hard up on the drugs as well. People have bets on their lives on who is going to overdose first and die from it.

I can’t wrap my head around it, how anyone can bet on someone’s life little lone on two lives and which one is gonna die first. What has this world come too. This is just way too much. Lives do matter, even if they have addictions. A lot of people think that by sending these addicts to prison they will get the rehab that they need. You know what, that don’t happen. The drugs are in the prisons just as much as they are on the streets. The prisons are corrupt with guards trafficking it in, so how is that helping. All it is doing is wasteing taxpayers dollars to imprison someone when our own justice system keeps feeding it them. Not everything is going to be perfect, I get that, I truly do. We need more help and education. Especially the education, because you know I didn’t know anything about meth or anything of the like. All I knew about meth was you could loose weight from it, and herion you used a needle for. That was all I knew about it. I wasn’t educated on the harsh reactions these hard drugs could do to your body. I can say that I have been clean for 7 months from meth and marijuana and have never done any other drug. The only help I got to get me clean, was jail. It was a wake up call for me, I do know that.

There’s needs to be more help out there for people with drug addictions, and more in-patient rehab facilities available. Especially in the rural communities like the one that I live in and have grown up in. People say the reason we don’t have the help or facilities in our rural communities is because of politics. I can’t just blame the politics on it. Yes, politics does have some to do with it but not all of it. There isn’t enough trained professionals in our areas to have these places. We don’t have the income median either.

We need to come together as a community, a state, and a country and help each other when we need it. Just because someone uses drugs, doesn’t mean you get the right to bet on their life of when their gonna die. How would you feel if someone done that to you or one of your children, grandkids, nieces or nephews, etc. You sure as hell woud be pissed off, because I know I would.

As I lay here….

As I lay here I wonder if life is even worth living anymore. I constantly hear the whispers in the background about me from my own family. I am constantly hearing the ridicule about me and everyone thinks that I don’t hear anything. I hear the whispers and when I enter a room everyone shuts up or changes the subject or completely denies it when confronted about it.

So as I lay here wondering if life is even worth living, I am contemplating the many forms of suicide to take me out so that I can stop hearing all of the whispers and ridicules I know that the overdose of my medication won’t work, as I have tried it twice already and with no success. There are so many different forms of suicide someone can take and I have constantly been thinking about them.

I’m tired of the people in my life telling me who I can have for friends and whether they can come and hang out with me. People wonder why I am so depressed and all I want to do is sleep. What’s the point of being awake when I have people controlling my life and telling me who I can have for friends and what friends are allowed to come over and hang out.

I have tried and I mean tried since last June 2016 to fix things and open a conversation about this and other things and always get shot down and ignored. I’ve tried the help and it just doesn’t work either. So I will continue to lay here in this dark dreary world until it is my time to leave this horrendous world when it is my choice and no one else’s!

Friendships!

Friendships is one thing that I pride myself on. There is one friendship that I don’t have and I wish that I did have and miss. That was one friend that I could always go to when I had a problem and no one would ever listen to me when I needed someone to listen but he would. Yes there are things that he done/does that I don’t approve of, but no matter what I will always be there for him no matter what anybody says because that is what friendships are about.

I get told on a daily basis that this wasn’t a friendship or anything. It was just him using me to get whatever he needed or wanted. But you know what if that’s what it was, then it was, I don’t really care. I haven’t heard from him since around my birthday when I got out of jail and seen him in Casey’s and exchanged a few texts. Then I got a new phone and number and I lost his number.

This is one friendship that I wish I still had and wouldn’t change anything about the friendship that we had. We grew up together and were like brothers. I constantly hear negative things about him or what he is doing or has done but, that is something that I don’t believe. People say I don’t believe because I don’t want to believe it. That’s far from the truth, it’s not that I don’t want to believe, it’s I DON’T BELIEVE IT!!

I don’t trust my life with anyone really even my own mother, but I trust my life with him. There are only two people I trust my life with and that’s him and my other best friend. Sometimes I just want to see how he’s doing, hell with the sometimes, I wanna know all the time, because I worry about him. People don’t understand what I see in him, well I see a friend, someone that’s been hurt (several times), someone that needs a friend (a true friend).

They always say, friends come and go. Well you know what that may be true, but this is one friend never goes. I always wonder how he is and if he’s ok. I wrote him in prison and worried about him when he was in prison. Yea me may not look like that person I used to know, but looks aren’t anything, it’s what’s inside that matters and that never changes. He will always have a good heart and help whoever he can when he can as he did for me on several occasions.

I do know I would’ve pissed a lot of people off if I would’ve had to have surgery on my knee. Because that’s one person I would want there because he would be the one to push me to get better and to not be a pussy about it.

Mental Illness

With May being Mental Illness month, I thought I would share my mental illness with you. Something that I have had to learn to live live with is a mental illness and depression. When I was in the 4th grade I was diagnosed with having bipolar disorder and depression, and at the time I was on several different medications to manage the symptoms of the disease. At the end of junior high school and the beginning of high school I thought I had the disease under control and well managed and the medications I was on I heard of side effects they could cause so I quit taking the medications. After being off the medications, I thought I really had everything under control until recently.

In June/July 2016 I attempted suicide by drug overdose and was put into a psychiatric hospital due to myself being harmful to myself which was self evident. They ended up putting me on medications which didn’t help, because in december of the same year I ended up trying to commit suicide once again by intentional drug overdose and was once again transferred back to the psychiatric hospital where they changed my medications. There have been times that I have thought of other means of self harm and mutilation to myself.

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Some of the underlying issues that surround me doesn’t help with my mental health either. I don’t have a strong support system to help with my mental health. I have people that want to help destroy my support system instead of support and strengthen it and that’s something that is literally surrounding me 24/7.

I know what I have to do to persevere with my life and my health. I know that if I need help there are people out there to provide that to me when I need it and not just to me but to everyone. If you’re in need of help make sure to seek if.

Death

Well I just found out that my my loving and amazing aunt Mimi in Texas passed away. She was such an amazing women and have so many fond memories of her and being with her when she would come up here to Illinois to visit with the family and I would visit her when I was in Texas when I was a kid.

There are so many things that I wish I could put into words on how I feel and how this woman meant to me but I can’t. I’ve heard so many different stories about her that were wonderful and inspiring. She would help anybody she came in contact with. You don’t find many people like that, but she was one of the few people that did.

My family has lost one amazing person and individual and our hearts mourn the loss of her. She won’t be forgotten. May you rest in peace Aunt Mimi until we meet again.

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May 10, 1933 – April 23, 2017

Mary Ellen Gorney, 83 passed away Sunday, April 23, 2017, in Tomball, Texas. She was devoted to caring for others. Her special passion was taking care of anyone in need, especially her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. In the Day, Mrs. Gorney was active with the Home Demonstration Club and she often volunteered with school projects. She will be dearly missed. She is preceded in death by her husband, Louis Martin Gorney Jr. and her brother, Daniel Allison, She is survived by her daughters; Kathy Lee Kimich (Raymond), Elizabeth Ann Bishop (Byron), Terrie Jeanette Gorney (Mike Brophy), son, Daniel Martin Gorney, sisters; Patricia Clark, Carol Scharlow, Susan Cavero, Marilyn Stephenson, Linda Siewak, brothers; Bill Lysell, Fred Allison, Al O’Halloren and Larry Huffman, 15 grandchildren and 27 Great Grandchildren. Visitation will be held Wednesday, 5pm-8pm. A rosary will be recited at 7 PM. The funeral Mass will be held the following morning at St. Anne Catholic Church, 1111 S. Cherry St., Tomball, TX 77375. Interment will follow at Brookside Memorial Park.

Help!

My last post entitled Lost & Empty, I let my mom see it and read it and her reaction wasn’t what I expected. All she had to say was that she wanted something like that. I was shocked and amazed. How can you not read it and not ask anything about it or have any type of emotions? It was a simple cry for help. Help that I need and want and tried to scream and ask for and did I get it, hell no. All I get is, I want something like that.

What is the point of asking for help when no one is willing to help or willing to offer resources that aren’t even going to help? I have tried to get admitted to the hospital so that I can get help, as I was told to go there to get the help that I need and then the hospital turns me away. I am actually trying to ask for help and it is like everyone is deaf and can’t hear my screams for help no matter how loud I scream it.

I think I’m just gonna give up on trying to ask for the help that I need and just do it myself although it may not be healthy but what am I supposed to do when no one is listening to me.

That was like, I was writing my last post and company comes over while I’m in the middle of writing and I catch hell because I didn’t answer their phone call. Well, you know what, I was in the middle of something that was extremely important and didn’t have the time to answer it. I told this person what I was doing, writing my feelings, and their response was to put it on pause and answer the phone. That’s just something you can’t do. You can’t just put your feelings on pause or hold just to please someone. What gets me, is that after I told them what I was doing, did they bother to ask me, how I was or how I was feeling or anything? Hell no! I got nothing as usual. So here’s to me saying fuck it, I’m just gonna do what I can do myself to help myself even if it may not be mentally healthy, but what other choices do I have? None!