All posts filed under: Depression

As I lay here….

As I lay here I wonder if life is even worth living anymore. I constantly hear the whispers in the background about me from my own family. I am constantly hearing the ridicule about me and everyone thinks that I don’t hear anything. I hear the whispers and when I enter a room everyone shuts up or changes the subject or completely denies it when confronted about it. So as I lay here wondering if life is even worth living, I am contemplating the many forms of suicide to take me out so that I can stop hearing all of the whispers and ridicules I know that the overdose of my medication won’t work, as I have tried it twice already and with no success. There are so many different forms of suicide someone can take and I have constantly been thinking about them. I’m tired of the people in my life telling me who I can have for friends and whether they can come and hang out with me. People wonder why I am …

Friendships!

Friendships is one thing that I pride myself on. There is one friendship that I don’t have and I wish that I did have and miss. That was one friend that I could always go to when I had a problem and no one would ever listen to me when I needed someone to listen but he would. Yes there are things that he done/does that I don’t approve of, but no matter what I will always be there for him no matter what anybody says because that is what friendships are about. I get told on a daily basis that this wasn’t a friendship or anything. It was just him using me to get whatever he needed or wanted. But you know what if that’s what it was, then it was, I don’t really care. I haven’t heard from him since around my birthday when I got out of jail and seen him in Casey’s and exchanged a few texts. Then I got a new phone and number and I lost his number. This …

Mental Illness

With May being Mental Illness month, I thought I would share my mental illness with you. Something that I have had to learn to live live with is a mental illness and depression. When I was in the 4th grade I was diagnosed with having bipolar disorder and depression, and at the time I was on several different medications to manage the symptoms of the disease. At the end of junior high school and the beginning of high school I thought I had the disease under control and well managed and the medications I was on I heard of side effects they could cause so I quit taking the medications. After being off the medications, I thought I really had everything under control until recently. In June/July 2016 I attempted suicide by drug overdose and was put into a psychiatric hospital due to myself being harmful to myself which was self evident. They ended up putting me on medications which didn’t help, because in december of the same year I ended up trying to commit …

Death

Well I just found out that my my loving and amazing aunt Mimi in Texas passed away. She was such an amazing women and have so many fond memories of her and being with her when she would come up here to Illinois to visit with the family and I would visit her when I was in Texas when I was a kid. There are so many things that I wish I could put into words on how I feel and how this woman meant to me but I can’t. I’ve heard so many different stories about her that were wonderful and inspiring. She would help anybody she came in contact with. You don’t find many people like that, but she was one of the few people that did. My family has lost one amazing person and individual and our hearts mourn the loss of her. She won’t be forgotten. May you rest in peace Aunt Mimi until we meet again. May 10, 1933 – April 23, 2017 Mary Ellen Gorney, 83 passed away Sunday, …

Help!

My last post entitled Lost & Empty, I let my mom see it and read it and her reaction wasn’t what I expected. All she had to say was that she wanted something like that. I was shocked and amazed. How can you not read it and not ask anything about it or have any type of emotions? It was a simple cry for help. Help that I need and want and tried to scream and ask for and did I get it, hell no. All I get is, I want something like that. What is the point of asking for help when no one is willing to help or willing to offer resources that aren’t even going to help? I have tried to get admitted to the hospital so that I can get help, as I was told to go there to get the help that I need and then the hospital turns me away. I am actually trying to ask for help and it is like everyone is deaf and can’t hear my screams for …

Lost & Empty

Here lately I have felt like I am lost somewhere and don’t belong and completely empty on the inside. I have been taking my medications like I am supposed to be doing but I think it is something more than that. I feel like I don’t belong here anymore and never really have. I have tried to talk to someone but it seems like no one wants to listen to me. With this emptiness and feeling lost I have been also getting severely agitated as well with just anything. I’m to the point that I don’t care anymore of who I piss off or not and I sure as in the hell not going to keep keeping the peace in the house anymore, I’m just tired of it. I wish I didn’t have these feelings anymore, and I know of one way and only way in order to get rid of these specific feelings and that’s just leaving this so-called wonderful world. I have been trying for many years to try and find myself and …

Self Admission

Depressed and manic! I haven’t been to bed in like 3 days as I haven’t been able to sleep as i have had a lot of energy and haven’t been able to contain but not enough energy to do any house work as i’m not doing that anymore because when i do i get downgraded and i’m tired of it. I was just told by someone that i’m a people pleaser and do almost any to make everyone happy well guess that shit is going to change as i’m going to start worrying about me and taking care of myself. I am currently sitting in the hospital in Urbana waiting on a crisis counselor to come and evaluate me so that i can possibly be admitted into the hospital for mental help with my bipolar. As this is the first time of me doing this on my own and by myself i am a little nervous and anxious. Every other time i was admitted it was because of self harm from intentional drug overdose and …

Time to be admitted!?

Well I think its time that I have myself admitted into the hospital in Champaign at Presence so that I can have my medication reevaluated for my bipolar because I don’t that my medications are working anymore. I have been getting more depressed here lately and manic more than ever. I let my mom know about it last night and she started to freak out about it, but you know what, it is something that I need to do keep my mental health in check and in control so that I am stable so that I can live a stable and comfortable life. Yes, I shouldn’t have to admit myself into the hospital in order to do this, all I should have to do is contact my psychiatrist and make an appointment for this, but I don’t have one and yes I can schedule and appointment with one but that will and can take up to four weeks to get into to see one. I want to be able to get in and see one …

Snitching Bitchez

Well I went to probation today for the first time since getting out of jail and I got to find out a lot of shit. One of the first questions was my probation officer asked was if I was managing my moms money still and if I knew why I wasn’t. And then he told me all the things that people told him. My mom (my own fucking mother) had the balls to tell my probation officer that she wasn’t sleeping because she was scared of me and afraid that i might do something to her. WTF!!! I am beyond pissed the fuck off and then she told him that I was stealing her meds (narcotics) from her which I wasn’t. I can’t believe my own mother would betray me like that and then when i try and ask her about it like a notmal conversation, she denies every fucking thing. Hell while I was in jail she even told my probation officer and everyone else that I wasn’t coming back home and that I …

My Mental Health

Mental health is something that I have to deal with on a daily basis and is something that is hard to deal with at times. I have attempted suicide 3 times in the past 6 months. People don’t understand the affects of mental health of the ideations of suicide as it helps with relieving the pain that someone (myself) is feeling. I was recently diagnosed with having Bipolar Type 1 disorder. I have tried to explain the feelings that I have to my family and friends so that they understand what I am going through and they do not understand nor comprehend any of it. One of the things, that I need, is to be able to talk and speak my what I am feeling and my opinions, and I am always told to shut up and that they don’t want to hear it, and then I have to clam up and that just causes more issues for me and causes me more stress in my mental health and where I live I have no …