National Suicide Prevention Week

Well this week is National Suicide Prevention week and World Day of Suicide Prevention.

I can say that we need better resources in our communities to help with this epidemic. I don’t get any help except for my primary care provider as there aren’t resources unless I travel an hour away from home and to get the resources your on a 3 month waiting list and sometimes even longer than that. I am no stranger to Suicide as I have attempted it three times and need the help. I also know of others that have attempted it and need the help. We just can’t access the help that is needed as it isn’t here. We need to come together nationally, as a state, and as a world to help combat this epidemic. In Illinois alone the Suicide rates have went up 11% in the past year. At the national level our members of congress of all parties needs to come together and create a bipartisan plan to help with this.

There are literally thousands of people in prison and jails that don’t need locked up all because they can get the resources they need (mental health). Do you know the cost of that being locked just to get the resources needed. It’s around $31000 per inmate. Outside it is much cheaper than that. We would all come together we could combat this and eradicate it.

So here’s to Suicide Prevention Week and World Day of Suicide.

Us victims hope for a better day everyday.

I Just Wanna Die

I Just Wanna Die

I’m to the point that I don’t wanna live anymore and just wanna die. I’m tired of this life that I am living and having no one in my life that even cares. There’s a song out there that I love, and it’s 1-800-273-8255 by Logic. It is simply how I feel right now, and I am playing it on repeat on YouTube.

I’m sitting at home with no running water or even gas to cook as my brother let it get shut off and he isn’t even trying to get it turned back on. He has no care about me nor his own mother, his fleshing blood. He would rather have care for his girlfriend’s family instead of his own when we are the one’s that are always there for him, even when his current girlfriend left him for another guy, we were the ones there for him, not her family.

I’m so done, I don’t know what to do anymore and wish I did. These are my favorite lyrics of the song:

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
(Who can relate? Woo!)
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die today
I just wanna die
I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die
And let me tell you why

All this other shit I’m talkin’ ’bout they think they know it
I’ve been praying for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic
And my life don’t even matter, I know it, I know it
I know I’m hurting deep down but can’t show it
I never had a place to call my own
I never had a home, ain’t nobody callin’ my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind?
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
(Who can relate? Woo!)
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I think that today I’m gonna go on a very long walk to the train tressel and just sit there and relax and be away from everything and be able to think. Maybe a train will come and smash me to smithereens. That would be the best of my life.

Tonya’s Melt Down

Well Tonya has had another meltdown tonight, and man is it childish how she keeps having these meltdowns. This time, she got all pissed and bent out of shape because Rat got high with me. Tonya had plans on getting Rat back, that way I had no friends. Well guess what bitch you didn’t plan very well now did ya. She’s trying to make it where I am depressed that I will try and take another hit on my own life. Well guess what, it ain’t gonna happen, and if it does, I’ll make sure it succeeds this time, because I have my suicide note written it out detailing everything and who caused it all including my suicide, and it’s addressed to her and everything. Since around 8 this evening when it all went down, Tonya packed her shit again and her and Lawrence went to the car to sleep. Well its now 12:44 in the morning and guess what their back in the house cause it was too hot for them apparently. Guess who’s still alive…ME bitches. I was just talking to my niece about this blog post and she says I’m depressed and thinks that I might take a hit on my own life but I’m not, and I told her but she won’t believe it because I said I was fine the last time and tried to hang myself the next day. But I explained to her that I don’t feel the way I did that time or the times in the past, and that I will be fine but she still don’t believe me.

There’s a reason why I’m not going to also, but it’ll ruin Tonya’s plans of me committing suicide. She wants me out of the picture no matter the costs, that way she can be in control once again of everyone and well that ain’t gonna happen. I don’t tell Rat or mom what they can or can not do, as that is something that she does that way their in her control. Well it isn’t gonna happen.

So here’s to another day of being alive ruining Tonya’s plans.

Depression Stil Here

Well my depression is still here and it has been 3 days so far that I have been stuck in bed and not have any cares in the world. This depression thing really sucks but I look at it as a way to recoup from all of the mania that I get to experience. So I think in the next couple days I will have everything back to my normal, which is having my mania. I wish I had something that was in between because that would satisfy my mania and depression and would be in my opinion “normal”.

I was told today that my mom said that she feels that I’m going to make another suicide attempt, as when I get like this I make an attempt. Which I don’t think that I will make another attempt on my life, atleast during this spat of depression. I’m not at depressed or stressed like I was the last time. Atleast someone here in the house is acknowledging of when I usually make an attempt on my life, but wrong timing. Have I thought of committing suicide recently? Yes I have and think about it everyday, as sometimes I have my mind believing that everyone would be better off without me as all I am is a burden to them. But I can’t say for sure that I wouldn’t make an attempt on my life, because the last time I did I told my primary care provider that I wasn’t that bad and two days later I tried to hang myself.

So here’s to another couple days of depression and then here comes the mania, as I can already feel some of the effects of mania coming on.

Give an update on my mental health in a couple days…

Depression Strikes Back

Well part of my Bipolar has made a comeback. The past couple of days all I have done is stay in bed and completely ignore everyone. I have just wanted to be myself and no one understands that. I wish the depression would go away and never come back and just have to deal with the mania, but I know that won’t happen. I have my highs and then I have my lows. When I have my lows, it is the worst feeling ever. I just stay in bed all covered up and not give to fucks in the world of what is going on around me. I want to be left alone and be by myself. People don’t understand my disease, after dealing with my mania, which I would prefer to do, I have to deal with my lows which is something that I don’t wish on anyone even my worst enemy.

I think I know what triggered my low this time. I just wish it wasn’t that and that my low would hurry up and go away so that I can have my mania back and be back to normal. It’s currently 4:24 in the morning as I am writing this and I can not sleep. I am restless as fuck, and it’s getting old. I tried taking my medications that are prescribed to me to help me sleep and they aren’t working, and I even tried to get high as that usually helps me sleep and still nothing. I am writing this as I am wide awake but want to sleep.

So here’s to my depression being back.

Need Help? Don’t Count On It

Need Help? Don’t Count On It

I just love it when you try to seek the help that you are in need of but nobody wants to help you. I have been trying to seek therapy services from my local crisis center since my suicide attempt in April and I haven’t had any success in the matter. Instead I get a form letter in the mail telling me that they have closed my case without any explanation, and when I called for an explanation no could even provide that simple little answer to my question. I was informed that while I was in the hospital that Crosspoint would accept and guess, what all I have had is issues trying to get them to help me. I make phone calls after phone calls and get nowhere with it.

I knew I needed the help before my suicide attempt, and tried to get the help elsewhere and was rejected by giving the excuse that insurance won’t pay for individual therapy services. I then feel the suicidal ideations coming even stronger, so I call crisis like I’m supposed to, and they advised me that there is nothing that they can do unless I make an attempt on my life. So right there it tells ya kill yourself and if you make we’ll help ya and then you do, and still in the same boat. If I had known that I would be getting rejected from getting the much needed help that I need, I would’ve said fuck it instead of wasting peoples much more needed time. I thought the point of human services was to help you when you are down, but I guess it isn’t. I’m just tired of trying to find the help and have no one want to help Sometimes, I believe that everything will be much better when I’m not around, as I can’t get the simplest thing done for myself, and that’s mental health help. Yes, I have mental health issues and need the help but who’s really gonna help me? No one. All you ever hear is that, “you’re important”, “we’ll get you some help”, and the list goes on, and in reality no one does and I’m not important.

I have self-worth issues and feeling my I’m worthless and that there’s no point of me being here. I understand I have these issues. Therapy is supposed to help you understand your problems and how to correct them. Therapy is supposed to help you find your triggers, and I still have yet to find my triggers for my suicidal ideations.

I’ve went through four different organizations to seek therapy services with psychiatric doctors recommendation and referral for the services and get turned away, either because of insurance (even though they pay for it), close your case and don’t know why, or you’re an offender and they don’t provide services to offenders.

Why I Smoke?

 

Marijuana

Why I Use It

 

I can say that the opposition of Marijuana has started to dwindle down in the past few years it seems like to me. I can remember when I was young that it didn’t matter how much marijuana or drug paraphilia would wind you up in jail immediately. Today depending on the amounts that you have on your person you just get a civil ticket instead of a criminal ticket. But the legality of this isn’t the reason for why I smoke marijuana recreationally. 

The main reason that I do smoke it recreationally is for medical purposes. I have a lot of anxiety here lately where I’m living because I never know what to say to people as it might offend them/piss them off, and I all have to do is say hello. As some of you know I have been diagnosed with having a mental illness, Bipolar disorder 1. With my bipolar I have problems trying to sleep at night and yes I am prescribed medications to help me sleep but they don’t work sometimes, and therefore I smoke a bowl of marijuana and then I am ready to go to bed and I usually have a decent night of sleep. Plus by smoking this, I don’t wake up feeling fuzy all day like I do when I take my prescription medications to help me sleep at night. 

You might ask me why I don’t just go and get a medical card for marijuana use and smoke it the legal way. Well I can’t, for a couple of reasons. The first reason is that they don’t offer medical marijuana legally for my issues that I have. Two I’m a felon, and felons can’t apply for the medical card. Also, insurance and state insurance doesn’t pay for it and you have to pay for it out of your own pocket and the medical marijuana is much more expensive then the street. But soon I won’t have to worry about getting the medical card as it was approved to be on the November Primary on approving it for recreational use. Should it pass, as a lot of people (opposition) are saying it will, I will be able to get it and have it legally and not have to worry about the legalities of it. 

In My Blood

The lyrics of this song means so much to me, It couldn’t have came on the radio when it did. So take a gander of these lyrics. They are so strong and powerful.

Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you’ll feel better
Just take her home and you’ll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood
I’m looking through my phone again, feeling anxious
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I’m trying to find a way to chill, can’t breathe, oh
Is there somebody who could

New Medication

When I was admitted to OSF Healthcare Heart of Mary Medical Center in Urbana a couple of weeks ago, they ended up changing my bipolar 1 medications. They ended up adding a new medication but before they could they had to get prior authorization from my health insurance as the cost of Abilify Maintena is around $1500 per month. Once I got the authorization approved I ended up getting the injection and later that day being discharged.

The other day I decided to read all of the side effects of this medication as I was tired all the time but yet couldn’t sleep. After reading the side effects and other information, I found out that that is a side effect of the medication that I will have to learn to cope with. Not only that, but there is weight gain so my primary has to monitor my weight, my blood sugars, cholesterol as it will also cause those to rise as well.

It also stated in the pamphlet that I am not to exercise either. I love being able to be outside and doing things and getting my exercise and now I can’t. I also have to stay out of the sunlight.

I know there are tremendous advantages of this new medication, but I’m not liking the side effects that come with the medications I have to learn to deal with.

Back to Normal

Today it seemed like everything was back to normal around the house. Tonya fixed supper, Lawrence done the dishes and even took the trash out early. We all played a game of Phase 10 although we asked Rat and he said no. I already know the reason of why he said no, because he does not like the game at all. He says it takes too long to play. 

With everything seeming like it’s all back to normal again like it used to be, I still don’t believe it. In my opinion this is just a cover up as something is going to happen and only god knows that that’s going to be, but on the usual Tonya will get all pissed off about something that once again only god knows what about. But she will either say that I done something again or said something when nothing was done or said, or she’ll project the same accusations against my mom or Rat or even Lawrence, even though he isn’t here. 

I know with all of these tantrums, it’s getting old and I can’t deal with it anymore. I can say that sometimes I don’t think the medication for my Bipolar is even working as it feels like I need to check back into the hospital. 

So with today being a normal day, lets see what tomorrow brings.