Tonya’s Melt Down

Tonya’s Melt Down

Well Tonya has had another meltdown tonight, and man is it childish how she keeps having these meltdowns. This time, she got all pissed and bent out of shape because Rat got high with me. Tonya had plans on getting Rat back, that way I had no friends. Well guess what bitch you didn’t plan very well now did ya. She’s trying to make it where I am depressed that I will try and take another hit on my own life. Well guess what, it ain’t gonna happen, and if it does, I’ll make sure it succeeds this time, because I have my suicide note written it out detailing everything and who caused it all including my suicide, and it’s addressed to her and everything. Since around 8 this evening when it all went down, Tonya packed her shit again and her and Lawrence went to the car to sleep. Well its now 12:44 in the morning and guess what their back in the house cause it was too hot for them apparently. Guess who’s still alive…ME bitches. I was just talking to my niece about this blog post and she says I’m depressed and thinks that I might take a hit on my own life but I’m not, and I told her but she won’t believe it because I said I was fine the last time and tried to hang myself the next day. But I explained to her that I don’t feel the way I did that time or the times in the past, and that I will be fine but she still don’t believe me.

There’s a reason why I’m not going to also, but it’ll ruin Tonya’s plans of me committing suicide. She wants me out of the picture no matter the costs, that way she can be in control once again of everyone and well that ain’t gonna happen. I don’t tell Rat or mom what they can or can not do, as that is something that she does that way their in her control. Well it isn’t gonna happen.

So here’s to another day of being alive ruining Tonya’s plans.

Depression Stil Here

Depression Stil Here

Well my depression is still here and it has been 3 days so far that I have been stuck in bed and not have any cares in the world. This depression thing really sucks but I look at it as a way to recoup from all of the mania that I get to experience. So I think in the next couple days I will have everything back to my normal, which is having my mania. I wish I had something that was in between because that would satisfy my mania and depression and would be in my opinion “normal”.

I was told today that my mom said that she feels that I’m going to make another suicide attempt, as when I get like this I make an attempt. Which I don’t think that I will make another attempt on my life, atleast during this spat of depression. I’m not at depressed or stressed like I was the last time. Atleast someone here in the house is acknowledging of when I usually make an attempt on my life, but wrong timing. Have I thought of committing suicide recently? Yes I have and think about it everyday, as sometimes I have my mind believing that everyone would be better off without me as all I am is a burden to them. But I can’t say for sure that I wouldn’t make an attempt on my life, because the last time I did I told my primary care provider that I wasn’t that bad and two days later I tried to hang myself.

So here’s to another couple days of depression and then here comes the mania, as I can already feel some of the effects of mania coming on.

Give an update on my mental health in a couple days…

Depression Strikes Back

Depression Strikes Back

Well part of my Bipolar has made a comeback. The past couple of days all I have done is stay in bed and completely ignore everyone. I have just wanted to be myself and no one understands that. I wish the depression would go away and never come back and just have to deal with the mania, but I know that won’t happen. I have my highs and then I have my lows. When I have my lows, it is the worst feeling ever. I just stay in bed all covered up and not give to fucks in the world of what is going on around me. I want to be left alone and be by myself. People don’t understand my disease, after dealing with my mania, which I would prefer to do, I have to deal with my lows which is something that I don’t wish on anyone even my worst enemy.

I think I know what triggered my low this time. I just wish it wasn’t that and that my low would hurry up and go away so that I can have my mania back and be back to normal. It’s currently 4:24 in the morning as I am writing this and I can not sleep. I am restless as fuck, and it’s getting old. I tried taking my medications that are prescribed to me to help me sleep and they aren’t working, and I even tried to get high as that usually helps me sleep and still nothing. I am writing this as I am wide awake but want to sleep.

So here’s to my depression being back.

Carle Foundation Hospital

Carle Foundation Hospital

Well recently I was in Champaign at Carle Foundation Hospital with my Aunt as she was transferred there from another hospital for low sodium levels. We ended up spending a week there in the hospital getting her sodium levels back up into the normal ranges. While we were there, my aunt had a total of three doctors, a hospitalist, endocrinologist, and a nephrologist. They were doing lab work on her every four hours and checking her vitals and blood sugar every four hours as well. We finally got all her levels back to normal was able to be discharged from the hospital yesterday.

People say that I wasn’t in the hospital, but in reality I was, as I literally stayed there with her the whole time that she was admitted into the hospital. I can say that Carle Foundation Hospital in the best hospital around, by all our local hospitals that we have. While I was staying with my aunt in the hospital, I had people talking, saying that it shouldn’t be me staying with her and that it should be someone else. Well you know what it was my choice to go and stay with her, I was the one that stepped up before anyone could. Whenever my aunt is in the hospital, I am the one that stays with her and takes care of her. She is my world and she is the one that lights up my world. I don’t know what I would do without her as she means the world to me.

I just wish that people would stay out of my business and put their nose somewhere else where it don’t belong like they do.

So here’s to my stay in Champaign.


More Drama

By Joshua Cravero

Well there’s more drama in the house and it’s getting old as fuck. Thursday morning Tonya had the balls to call the cops on me and say that I opened a credit card in her name and I hacked her phone. Well guess what nothing was done, as there was no evidence to prove that I done anything. I’m sick and tired of the bitch accusing me of doing shit when I haven’t done anything. Hell I’m the one that has been helping her out and this is how I get repaid. Complete bullshit. Hell I tried texting Lawrence and that sorry son of bitch had the balls to ignore those texts.

Something needs to be done with her. She needs mental help and refuses to go and get it. She’s going to end up hurting someone if not herself (she’s already tried cutting herself). But she refuses and Lawrence goes along with her and won’t do anything and won’t make her get the help she desperately needs. I do know that Lawrence can force her to get the help she needs but he won’t. I think he’s afraid of her that’s why he won’t do anything. But what he don’t realize is that if she hurts herself or someone else that he can be held liable as well.

Just two weeks ago, Tonya had a nice talk with me and telling me that she don’t want me in jail or anything else to happen to me. But yet the bitch goes and does this shit to me when I haven’t done a thing to her.

I wrote Lawrence a nice 2 page letter and informed him that Tonya is no longer my sister nor do I have any respect for her. If she wants anything from me, she has to apologize and mean it. Well that hasn’t happened so the bitch ain’t getting anything from me in the for seeable future.

I’m the type of person that can forgive but I sure as hell won’t forget what she has done to me or my family.

Need Help? Don’t Count On It

Need Help? Don’t Count On It

I just love it when you try to seek the help that you are in need of but nobody wants to help you. I have been trying to seek therapy services from my local crisis center since my suicide attempt in April and I haven’t had any success in the matter. Instead I get a form letter in the mail telling me that they have closed my case without any explanation, and when I called for an explanation no could even provide that simple little answer to my question. I was informed that while I was in the hospital that Crosspoint would accept and guess, what all I have had is issues trying to get them to help me. I make phone calls after phone calls and get nowhere with it.

I knew I needed the help before my suicide attempt, and tried to get the help elsewhere and was rejected by giving the excuse that insurance won’t pay for individual therapy services. I then feel the suicidal ideations coming even stronger, so I call crisis like I’m supposed to, and they advised me that there is nothing that they can do unless I make an attempt on my life. So right there it tells ya kill yourself and if you make we’ll help ya and then you do, and still in the same boat. If I had known that I would be getting rejected from getting the much needed help that I need, I would’ve said fuck it instead of wasting peoples much more needed time. I thought the point of human services was to help you when you are down, but I guess it isn’t. I’m just tired of trying to find the help and have no one want to help Sometimes, I believe that everything will be much better when I’m not around, as I can’t get the simplest thing done for myself, and that’s mental health help. Yes, I have mental health issues and need the help but who’s really gonna help me? No one. All you ever hear is that, “you’re important”, “we’ll get you some help”, and the list goes on, and in reality no one does and I’m not important.

I have self-worth issues and feeling my I’m worthless and that there’s no point of me being here. I understand I have these issues. Therapy is supposed to help you understand your problems and how to correct them. Therapy is supposed to help you find your triggers, and I still have yet to find my triggers for my suicidal ideations.

I’ve went through four different organizations to seek therapy services with psychiatric doctors recommendation and referral for the services and get turned away, either because of insurance (even though they pay for it), close your case and don’t know why, or you’re an offender and they don’t provide services to offenders.

Why I Smoke?



Why I Use It


I can say that the opposition of Marijuana has started to dwindle down in the past few years it seems like to me. I can remember when I was young that it didn’t matter how much marijuana or drug paraphilia would wind you up in jail immediately. Today depending on the amounts that you have on your person you just get a civil ticket instead of a criminal ticket. But the legality of this isn’t the reason for why I smoke marijuana recreationally. 

The main reason that I do smoke it recreationally is for medical purposes. I have a lot of anxiety here lately where I’m living because I never know what to say to people as it might offend them/piss them off, and I all have to do is say hello. As some of you know I have been diagnosed with having a mental illness, Bipolar disorder 1. With my bipolar I have problems trying to sleep at night and yes I am prescribed medications to help me sleep but they don’t work sometimes, and therefore I smoke a bowl of marijuana and then I am ready to go to bed and I usually have a decent night of sleep. Plus by smoking this, I don’t wake up feeling fuzy all day like I do when I take my prescription medications to help me sleep at night. 

You might ask me why I don’t just go and get a medical card for marijuana use and smoke it the legal way. Well I can’t, for a couple of reasons. The first reason is that they don’t offer medical marijuana legally for my issues that I have. Two I’m a felon, and felons can’t apply for the medical card. Also, insurance and state insurance doesn’t pay for it and you have to pay for it out of your own pocket and the medical marijuana is much more expensive then the street. But soon I won’t have to worry about getting the medical card as it was approved to be on the November Primary on approving it for recreational use. Should it pass, as a lot of people (opposition) are saying it will, I will be able to get it and have it legally and not have to worry about the legalities of it. 

In My Blood

The lyrics of this song means so much to me, It couldn’t have came on the radio when it did. So take a gander of these lyrics. They are so strong and powerful.

Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you’ll feel better
Just take her home and you’ll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood
I’m looking through my phone again, feeling anxious
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I’m trying to find a way to chill, can’t breathe, oh
Is there somebody who could

Spring Has Sprung

Well its official finally. Spring has sprung, even though Spring on a calendar would show in April, but it didn’t happen here. Instead we stayed in the form of Winter. We had snow all throughout the month of April, one day it was cold the next it was cool. I’m glad to say that Spring is finally here. 

It is so refreshing to be able to open the windows and have some fresh air in the house and being able to smell the fresh cut grass, rain right before it gets here and so much more. It’s just all transcending and captivating. My flowers have sprouted from the ground now and my tulips are in full bloom. I love being able to wake up to the sounds of the birds chirping early in the morning to watching the sunset go down at night. Thankfully we haven’t had to turn the central air on yet, as once that happens no more fresh air that can take you back to your childhood. 

So here’s to another wonderful and hopefully stormy Spring. 

Moving Day

Well, while I was at probation this morning, I guess it became moving day officially. I get back into town and Lawrence is here with Levi and they had just finished packing their shit. Instead of me stopping, I went to the dollar store to get something. I come back from the dollar store and guess what, their gone no one is here but mom and Rat. 

With this moving day, it gave me the opportunity to get some major housework done around the house. I was able to get most of the kitchen cleaned, and now I have the walls to wash and then the kitchen will be all done. Next will be their bedroom, and making sure it is spotless and then moving Rat into that room and getting him all set up so he don’t have to keep sleeping in the living room. 

Also today, I was able to go outside and do some yard work and that felt amazing as it was nice outside. I’m glad I got what I done done as it started to rain. I ended up getting all this done by 2 in the afternoon. 

I ended up laying down to take a nap, and got up around 5 this evening and to my surprise their back, but sitting in the car as its pouring outside and sat out there for over an hour that I know of. While they were outside sitting in the rain, I was able to get supper fixed for me, mom, rat, and my niece. I ended up making sausage gravy and biscuits for supper and to top it off it was all made from scratch, none of that processed canned shit.