Another Rant

Well I can say that I am fed up with everything, and I am looking for another place to live and no one is going to be coming with me. Hopefully by the end of November, I will have found me a suitable place for me away from all of the bullshit that I am around 24/7.

I’m to the point to where I don’t even want to be awake anymore. I force myself to sleep all the time if I’m not out doing something with friends having my me time, as I have no feeling when I’m at “home”. I’m the one that buys the groceries around here, and people can’t even keep the kitchen clean so that I or my mother can cook. They would rather soak up the A/C and eat up the food that I buy all at once. Hell its bad when you have to hide food because people love to eat it all up at once, but it does no good to hide it because they come in your room when your sleeping and snoop and find it, but your not allowed in their room, even though they don’t pay the rent. I’m just fed up with everything here.

I’m to the point where I would rather kill myself if I can’t make myself sleep. When you feelings like this, its best to say fuck it and find somewhere else to live and leave everything behind. I know I have a few city locations I have chosen of where to live, and they include Indianapolis and Champaign-Urbana and a few others, but preferrably Indianapolis as it is on of the furthest cities away from where I am currently, and I won’t have a reason to come back as it will be too far of a drive but not to far if there’s an emergency.

I’m just tired and about to give up on everything, and by moving, this would be the best option for me that I have left, I am currently looking at 3 bedrooms, that way if my mom wants to come and the guy I take care of that currently lives with me, wants to come they can but if they choose that they don’t wanna come with me, then I will narrow my choices down to 1-2 bedrooms, preferrably 2 then, that way I have a guest bedroom for whoever wants to come and stay. I DO NOT want a studio apartment, as that is just way too fucking small for me, as I like space, and that is something that I want and need. But I still have aobut two months before anything, So, I still have time to explore my options of what I want to rent and the location of what I want to call home.

Grow Up

People need to just grow the fuck up and get over themselves. I have my niece here for the day and her so-called grandmother is bein a total bitch to her for no reason. Just because she don’t want her around someone. I could understand her point if this person done something but he hasn’t done anything, as he would do anything in the world for my 4 year old neice. All she wanted was to be in the living room with me and him but that was a NO. Each time she tried to come into the living room she would get yelled and told she could only be in the kitchen. How can you “lock up” a child in the kitchen, all because you want to be a bitch. I got news for you this isn’t going to keep happening because my mouth is getting ready to open up and people aren’t going to like what I have to say and what I’m going to do. What’s the worse that she can do, call my probation officer? Big deal, because he already knows whats going on in my house because I tell him all the time and email him constantly letting him know what is going on as he wants to know what is going on in my life. He knows the dynamics that I am living with and have to deal with on a daily basis and they have tried to fuck me over before and succeeded but this time it isn’t gonna happen.

So since she won’t let my niece come into the living room and watch tv and be a kid, I am sitting in the kitchen with her while I’m writing this, and watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas with her so that she can enjoy her movies since she can’t in the living room on my smart tv.


Well, today is the birthday of my nephew Jason. Today he would’ve been 19 years old. He died when he was only 18 years old of an ATV accident. He wasn’t in the care of his biological parents nor did we know of his whereabouts. He was in the care of his adoptive parents. We just informed a few months before he passed by his biological mother that she put him up for adoption, and didn’t even notify my brother about anything. It is a long and painful story.

I have thought of Jason every day since the very last time that I saw him when I was a young child when his mother and my brother went back to Peoria after spending the weekend with us, and that was the last time that I had ever saw him. Jason had so much ahead of him, he was still so young and vibrant and had a bright future to look forward to. When we found out that he was adopted out that’s when Lawrence had reached out to some friends that he knows, on how to find information out on adoptions and if anyone had rights to contact him. Ultimately, it was too late for all of that.

Still to this day, I blame his father (my brother and his biological mother) for why Jason is not with us today. When the last time I saw him, I asked them to stay just for a couple more days, they wouldn’t stay. And for that reason, I blame both parties for why I no longer have my nephew and have never seen him since and never will.

What’s bad is that I can’t go to the cemetery and see him and pay my respects because he wasn’t buried, he was cremated, so I can’t apologize to him for trying to keep him for a couple more days and maybe he would still be alive to this day.

Jason, I love you always have and always will and think of you all the time!


Friendships is one thing that I pride myself on. There is one friendship that I don’t have and I wish that I did have and miss. That was one friend that I could always go to when I had a problem and no one would ever listen to me when I needed someone to listen but he would. Yes there are things that he done/does that I don’t approve of, but no matter what I will always be there for him no matter what anybody says because that is what friendships are about.

I get told on a daily basis that this wasn’t a friendship or anything. It was just him using me to get whatever he needed or wanted. But you know what if that’s what it was, then it was, I don’t really care. I haven’t heard from him since around my birthday when I got out of jail and seen him in Casey’s and exchanged a few texts. Then I got a new phone and number and I lost his number.

This is one friendship that I wish I still had and wouldn’t change anything about the friendship that we had. We grew up together and were like brothers. I constantly hear negative things about him or what he is doing or has done but, that is something that I don’t believe. People say I don’t believe because I don’t want to believe it. That’s far from the truth, it’s not that I don’t want to believe, it’s I DON’T BELIEVE IT!!

I don’t trust my life with anyone really even my own mother, but I trust my life with him. There are only two people I trust my life with and that’s him and my other best friend. Sometimes I just want to see how he’s doing, hell with the sometimes, I wanna know all the time, because I worry about him. People don’t understand what I see in him, well I see a friend, someone that’s been hurt (several times), someone that needs a friend (a true friend).

They always say, friends come and go. Well you know what that may be true, but this is one friend never goes. I always wonder how he is and if he’s ok. I wrote him in prison and worried about him when he was in prison. Yea me may not look like that person I used to know, but looks aren’t anything, it’s what’s inside that matters and that never changes. He will always have a good heart and help whoever he can when he can as he did for me on several occasions.

I do know I would’ve pissed a lot of people off if I would’ve had to have surgery on my knee. Because that’s one person I would want there because he would be the one to push me to get better and to not be a pussy about it.

Healthcare & Financial POA?

Apparently people don’t understand the meaning of a Healthcare & Financial Power of Attorney anymore! As I am legally the POA for healthcare and financial of my mother but yet I have nothing in my control or in my possession as i am legally able to have. Instead I have restrictions that people put on my moms medications at the pharmacy from which I am not allowed to pick up as well. There is only one successor agent listed on the Legal POA which is my elder brother Lawrence which is when I am unavailable to make any decisions and only he is able to make to the decisions and no one else. I have done some legal research and spoke to some attorney’s and the next course that I will have to take, is filing a legal document for a healthcare restraining order, as the POA is also legalized within the court system as well. I will be filing the appropriate legal documents necessary as soon as possible and have a stay put in place until this is resolved and have me put back in charge and have other people stopped from making any other changes.

This is something that I never thought that I would ever have to do, nor want to do, but as a legal representative and having the best interests in mind of my mother, I have no other choice but to do this, and have these filings done. I do know that I will have to file for an emergency stay to be put in place as well as an emergency healthcare restraining order. I will have to absorb the costs of this having to be done, but I can have the costs recovered from the respondent. As this has caused an emotional turmoil on me and my family and will possibly cause more due to the legal paremeters that has to be done to correct everything.

So here’s to getting everything fixed and corrected to where it should be!

Mom’s Birthday

Well today is my moms 65th birthday and she won’t have to do anything as she never has to on her birthday as I always wait on her and make her her birthday supper and dessert of her choosing. This year I made her meatloaf, greens, mashed potatoes, creamed corn and for dessert I made her a homemade carrot cake with homemade cream cheese frosting. This is the least I could do for my mother after everything that she does and has done for me. 

So Happy Birthday Mom I hope you had a great day!!! 

Snitches & Incarceration

Well this is a continuation of my last post titled, Intentional Suicide. I ended up being incarcerated in the Iroquois County Jail for 30 consecutive days on a probation violation as someone snitched to my probation officer to have me drug tested and I ended up testing positive for a substance that only a select few people knew about that I was doing. By that happening that caused the violation and my probation officer revoking my probation and getting me terminated out of my group counseling that I was enrolled in which caused more issued as that was court ordered as well. I don’t know who the snitch was, but there was only a select few people that knew what was going on and what I was doing so I have an idea of who it was. But I am glad that I am no longer incarcerated and am back out in the community and free and able to be with my family again. When I find out who it was that snitched, there will be some choice words for them and they will have their karma headed their way as karma is always a bitch.

Pissed Off

I love how people accuse me of some complete bullshit when I have had nothing to do with it completely. I get told that I’ve been acting wierd as fuck the past couple days and some other shit. I got news for ya, I haven’t been acting wierd or anything, if anyone has been it has been you. You say one thing and 5 minutes later you do the exact opposite. You say your not going to do something ever again and then do it again. You say that I’m the liar and that you have caught me in several different lies, well you know what I have you caught you in more lies that I have ever seen anyone tell.

Today you text me being a complete asshole, and saying that you bm is texting you wanting to know why im telling everyone we’re lovers and that you are 1000% for sure that I’m the one telling this. Well I got news for ya I haven’t told anyone shit and I’m getting tired of being accused of something that I didn’t fucking do. You can’t take any jokes at all because you get so offensive. Everyone that I talk to and hang out with can joke and take jokes over anything. I say that I just won’t talk anymore and you get even more pissed off/irritated. Well you know what I have been the one that has been getting irritated from hell from all of the lies that you have told and not just to me. If we were “lovers” then why in the hell am I trying to hook you up with someone and telling them how great a person you are. But what do I know, absolutely nothing I guess.

Then you get bent out of shape because of a facebook status, about me of me wanting to commit myself back into the hospital. Here lately everyone has been pissing me off, but I’ve been holding it in and defending everything that has been said. But yet, I’m the one thats being sketchy as fuck and acting wierd. But what the fuck do I know, apparently nothing.

My Weekend

Well this weekend I am declaring it mine. I’m not doing anything for anyone this weekend as it will be my only weekend that I will have to myself and want to be able to enjoy it. I have shit my phone off for the weekend so that no one can disturb me or my weekend. The only disruptions that I will tolerate is emergencies. This is the only weekend that I will have as harvest is starting and I won’t be able to do anything until harvest is over. One thing is that it sucks as I won’t be able to go and see my friend as I would like to as I won’t have the time as I have to take a buddy to work and then pick him up from work and then I have my niece that I have to take to school and pick up from school. So if I wanna do something or go hang with my buddy I have to do it throughout the day from the time I take my niece to school and be back in time to pick her up from school. Hopefully I’ll be able to do something on Saturday nights/Sunday as my buddy don’t have to work on Sundays for at least right now. 

So this is gonna be my weekend to enjoy to myself. I did want to go see my friend but don’t have the gas to go and see him. So hopefully real soon I will have the gas and everything so that I can cuz I do miss seeing him even though I’ve only seen him once since August. 

So here’s to my weekend of relaxation!


Well I can say that I am again talking to one of my best friends and it has been great to hear from him. He just got out of prison and he has changed for the better. It has been good to be able to catch up again. Soon he’ll be able to leave and come up here and visit and I’ll be able to go down there and visit as well. I don’t know what I would do without him or Nick. I am thankful for having these two amazing friends.