Tonya’s Melt Down

Tonya’s Melt Down

Well Tonya has had another meltdown tonight, and man is it childish how she keeps having these meltdowns. This time, she got all pissed and bent out of shape because Rat got high with me. Tonya had plans on getting Rat back, that way I had no friends. Well guess what bitch you didn’t plan very well now did ya. She’s trying to make it where I am depressed that I will try and take another hit on my own life. Well guess what, it ain’t gonna happen, and if it does, I’ll make sure it succeeds this time, because I have my suicide note written it out detailing everything and who caused it all including my suicide, and it’s addressed to her and everything. Since around 8 this evening when it all went down, Tonya packed her shit again and her and Lawrence went to the car to sleep. Well its now 12:44 in the morning and guess what their back in the house cause it was too hot for them apparently. Guess who’s still alive…ME bitches. I was just talking to my niece about this blog post and she says I’m depressed and thinks that I might take a hit on my own life but I’m not, and I told her but she won’t believe it because I said I was fine the last time and tried to hang myself the next day. But I explained to her that I don’t feel the way I did that time or the times in the past, and that I will be fine but she still don’t believe me.

There’s a reason why I’m not going to also, but it’ll ruin Tonya’s plans of me committing suicide. She wants me out of the picture no matter the costs, that way she can be in control once again of everyone and well that ain’t gonna happen. I don’t tell Rat or mom what they can or can not do, as that is something that she does that way their in her control. Well it isn’t gonna happen.

So here’s to another day of being alive ruining Tonya’s plans.

Carle Foundation Hospital

Carle Foundation Hospital

Well recently I was in Champaign at Carle Foundation Hospital with my Aunt as she was transferred there from another hospital for low sodium levels. We ended up spending a week there in the hospital getting her sodium levels back up into the normal ranges. While we were there, my aunt had a total of three doctors, a hospitalist, endocrinologist, and a nephrologist. They were doing lab work on her every four hours and checking her vitals and blood sugar every four hours as well. We finally got all her levels back to normal was able to be discharged from the hospital yesterday.

People say that I wasn’t in the hospital, but in reality I was, as I literally stayed there with her the whole time that she was admitted into the hospital. I can say that Carle Foundation Hospital in the best hospital around, by all our local hospitals that we have. While I was staying with my aunt in the hospital, I had people talking, saying that it shouldn’t be me staying with her and that it should be someone else. Well you know what it was my choice to go and stay with her, I was the one that stepped up before anyone could. Whenever my aunt is in the hospital, I am the one that stays with her and takes care of her. She is my world and she is the one that lights up my world. I don’t know what I would do without her as she means the world to me.

I just wish that people would stay out of my business and put their nose somewhere else where it don’t belong like they do.

So here’s to my stay in Champaign.

 

More Drama

By Joshua Cravero

Well there’s more drama in the house and it’s getting old as fuck. Thursday morning Tonya had the balls to call the cops on me and say that I opened a credit card in her name and I hacked her phone. Well guess what nothing was done, as there was no evidence to prove that I done anything. I’m sick and tired of the bitch accusing me of doing shit when I haven’t done anything. Hell I’m the one that has been helping her out and this is how I get repaid. Complete bullshit. Hell I tried texting Lawrence and that sorry son of bitch had the balls to ignore those texts.

Something needs to be done with her. She needs mental help and refuses to go and get it. She’s going to end up hurting someone if not herself (she’s already tried cutting herself). But she refuses and Lawrence goes along with her and won’t do anything and won’t make her get the help she desperately needs. I do know that Lawrence can force her to get the help she needs but he won’t. I think he’s afraid of her that’s why he won’t do anything. But what he don’t realize is that if she hurts herself or someone else that he can be held liable as well.

Just two weeks ago, Tonya had a nice talk with me and telling me that she don’t want me in jail or anything else to happen to me. But yet the bitch goes and does this shit to me when I haven’t done a thing to her.

I wrote Lawrence a nice 2 page letter and informed him that Tonya is no longer my sister nor do I have any respect for her. If she wants anything from me, she has to apologize and mean it. Well that hasn’t happened so the bitch ain’t getting anything from me in the for seeable future.

I’m the type of person that can forgive but I sure as hell won’t forget what she has done to me or my family.

Spring Has Sprung

Well its official finally. Spring has sprung, even though Spring on a calendar would show in April, but it didn’t happen here. Instead we stayed in the form of Winter. We had snow all throughout the month of April, one day it was cold the next it was cool. I’m glad to say that Spring is finally here. 

It is so refreshing to be able to open the windows and have some fresh air in the house and being able to smell the fresh cut grass, rain right before it gets here and so much more. It’s just all transcending and captivating. My flowers have sprouted from the ground now and my tulips are in full bloom. I love being able to wake up to the sounds of the birds chirping early in the morning to watching the sunset go down at night. Thankfully we haven’t had to turn the central air on yet, as once that happens no more fresh air that can take you back to your childhood. 

So here’s to another wonderful and hopefully stormy Spring. 

Paranoid Schizophrenia

Paranoid Schizophrenia

Paranoid Schizophrenia

Children Need to Grow Up

I can say that I know someone that needs to grow the fuck up and go and get the help they desperately need. I can’t live a life like this and neither can my mother or friend Rat. We are constantly accused of talking about her, supposedly we’ve talked behind her back stating we’re gonna throw her out, and the list just keeps going on. Hell, now she thinks the police and our primary care provider have a conspiracy out to get her. There is something wrong and she needs to get it fixed before she ends up hurting herself or others. Hell she’s done tried to run my brother, her boyfriend, over with the car. 

She is the cause of the drama that goes on daily here at the house and has caused my brother to turn his back on his own family by blood. Due to her drama that is one of the reasons that I tried to hang myself at the beginning of the month as I couldn’t handle the stress and drama anymore and just wanted it to stop somehow and didn’t care how. I’m tired of waking up in fear of what I might get accused of. 

I’m tired of all this drama and them acting like children instead of the adults that they are and supposed to be. Sometimes I’m to the point where I want to just say fuck it and give up like I did at the beginning of the month. I don’t know what to do anymore and don’t know who to ask to help. I’ve had agencies such as Adult Protective Services here to help and it worked for a couple of days and then everything went back to “normal”, her drama she always ends up causing. Hell just the other night my mom goes into the kitchen to do what dished there are and she gets accused of whispering and talking about her while she’s in the bathroom. she was accused of either talking to someone else when I was in bed asleep and Rat was too, and guess what, Lawrence took the bitches side as he always does cause he’s afraid of her and won’t stand his ground.

I’m gonna go on with today and see how it all goes. I already know how most of it is going to go, and it’s with them coming home and ignoring us and refusing to talk to us about anything as mom tried to say good morning and she got completely ignored which is completely bullshit after mom provides them with a roof over their head, cable & internet, electricity, and central air in the summer and all they have to pay is one bill and they can’t even afford that supposedly. So here’s to another drama filled day.

Moving Day

Well, while I was at probation this morning, I guess it became moving day officially. I get back into town and Lawrence is here with Levi and they had just finished packing their shit. Instead of me stopping, I went to the dollar store to get something. I come back from the dollar store and guess what, their gone no one is here but mom and Rat. 

With this moving day, it gave me the opportunity to get some major housework done around the house. I was able to get most of the kitchen cleaned, and now I have the walls to wash and then the kitchen will be all done. Next will be their bedroom, and making sure it is spotless and then moving Rat into that room and getting him all set up so he don’t have to keep sleeping in the living room. 

Also today, I was able to go outside and do some yard work and that felt amazing as it was nice outside. I’m glad I got what I done done as it started to rain. I ended up getting all this done by 2 in the afternoon. 

I ended up laying down to take a nap, and got up around 5 this evening and to my surprise their back, but sitting in the car as its pouring outside and sat out there for over an hour that I know of. While they were outside sitting in the rain, I was able to get supper fixed for me, mom, rat, and my niece. I ended up making sausage gravy and biscuits for supper and to top it off it was all made from scratch, none of that processed canned shit. 

Back to Normal

Today it seemed like everything was back to normal around the house. Tonya fixed supper, Lawrence done the dishes and even took the trash out early. We all played a game of Phase 10 although we asked Rat and he said no. I already know the reason of why he said no, because he does not like the game at all. He says it takes too long to play. 

With everything seeming like it’s all back to normal again like it used to be, I still don’t believe it. In my opinion this is just a cover up as something is going to happen and only god knows that that’s going to be, but on the usual Tonya will get all pissed off about something that once again only god knows what about. But she will either say that I done something again or said something when nothing was done or said, or she’ll project the same accusations against my mom or Rat or even Lawrence, even though he isn’t here. 

I know with all of these tantrums, it’s getting old and I can’t deal with it anymore. I can say that sometimes I don’t think the medication for my Bipolar is even working as it feels like I need to check back into the hospital. 

So with today being a normal day, lets see what tomorrow brings. 

Post OSF Healthcare Admission

Today marks 5 days that I have been officially discharged from OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center. Since being discharged from the hospital, I can say that I feel so much better with an outlook on life unlike before my admission to the hospital. I have been taking my prescribed medications as I am supposed to and surprisingly I haven’t been late nor forgotten about it, as that is something that I am good at when it comes to my medication. OSF Heart of Mary Medical Center is a life saver, as they did save my ultimately although it was my brother that caught me right before I jumped off the chair in the garage with a noose around my neck.

People ask me WHY? That question can’t be answered with a simple answer as it is more complex and possibly not even the right answer. There are many factors in someone’s life in which they want to cause harm to themselves or simply take their own lives.  For me at the time of my attempted hanging, it was severe depression, lifeless, worthless feeling, and cabin fever finally sat in.

As you can see in the featured photo on this post, it is a picture of myself in the ambulance for a ride to Urbana to OSF Heart of Mary Adult Behavorial Unit as a direct admit. The facial expression in this photo puts me off as being grumpy, yeah I may have been a little grumpy, but I was more depressed than anything. The ride was enjoyable except for the icy and snowy roads as the ambulance kept sliding across the road until we hit the interstate then it was smooth sailing.

Proud Democrat

I can say that I am a PROUD Democrat living in a Republican ran county. I support the Iroquois County Democrats. The Democratic Party is there for The People.

While the country is in a state of mess with the Republican Commander-in-Chief and Republican led Congress, we must come together with our differences and elect our rightful officials that will stand up for us when no one will. As you see in the news and social media on the daily, our Republican ran country is ruining our country what it was founded in. We (Democrats) are the change.

Currently the primary election is right before us. We as Americans have the duty to vote and elect the rightful candidates to serve and protect us ALL.

Currently Iroquois County Democrats is hosting an event New Day/New New Day at Town & Country Events in Milford. You can get tickets online at their website or by messaging Iroquois Democrats on Facebook.

Come meet our MC Colleen Callahan and Keynote Speaker State Treasurer Michael Frerichs.

I have also signed up to support our Democratic candidate Chris Kennedy for Governor.

We will turn Illinois and Iroquois County Blue again.

Another Rant

Well I can say that I am fed up with everything, and I am looking for another place to live and no one is going to be coming with me. Hopefully by the end of November, I will have found me a suitable place for me away from all of the bullshit that I am around 24/7.

I’m to the point to where I don’t even want to be awake anymore. I force myself to sleep all the time if I’m not out doing something with friends having my me time, as I have no feeling when I’m at “home”. I’m the one that buys the groceries around here, and people can’t even keep the kitchen clean so that I or my mother can cook. They would rather soak up the A/C and eat up the food that I buy all at once. Hell its bad when you have to hide food because people love to eat it all up at once, but it does no good to hide it because they come in your room when your sleeping and snoop and find it, but your not allowed in their room, even though they don’t pay the rent. I’m just fed up with everything here.

I’m to the point where I would rather kill myself if I can’t make myself sleep. When you feelings like this, its best to say fuck it and find somewhere else to live and leave everything behind. I know I have a few city locations I have chosen of where to live, and they include Indianapolis and Champaign-Urbana and a few others, but preferrably Indianapolis as it is on of the furthest cities away from where I am currently, and I won’t have a reason to come back as it will be too far of a drive but not to far if there’s an emergency.

I’m just tired and about to give up on everything, and by moving, this would be the best option for me that I have left, I am currently looking at 3 bedrooms, that way if my mom wants to come and the guy I take care of that currently lives with me, wants to come they can but if they choose that they don’t wanna come with me, then I will narrow my choices down to 1-2 bedrooms, preferrably 2 then, that way I have a guest bedroom for whoever wants to come and stay. I DO NOT want a studio apartment, as that is just way too fucking small for me, as I like space, and that is something that I want and need. But I still have aobut two months before anything, So, I still have time to explore my options of what I want to rent and the location of what I want to call home.