I Just Wanna Die

I Just Wanna Die

I’m to the point that I don’t wanna live anymore and just wanna die. I’m tired of this life that I am living and having no one in my life that even cares. There’s a song out there that I love, and it’s 1-800-273-8255 by Logic. It is simply how I feel right now, and I am playing it on repeat on YouTube.

I’m sitting at home with no running water or even gas to cook as my brother let it get shut off and he isn’t even trying to get it turned back on. He has no care about me nor his own mother, his fleshing blood. He would rather have care for his girlfriend’s family instead of his own when we are the one’s that are always there for him, even when his current girlfriend left him for another guy, we were the ones there for him, not her family.

I’m so done, I don’t know what to do anymore and wish I did. These are my favorite lyrics of the song:

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
(Who can relate? Woo!)
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die today
I just wanna die
I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die
And let me tell you why

All this other shit I’m talkin’ ’bout they think they know it
I’ve been praying for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic
And my life don’t even matter, I know it, I know it
I know I’m hurting deep down but can’t show it
I never had a place to call my own
I never had a home, ain’t nobody callin’ my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind?
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
(Who can relate? Woo!)
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I think that today I’m gonna go on a very long walk to the train tressel and just sit there and relax and be away from everything and be able to think. Maybe a train will come and smash me to smithereens. That would be the best of my life.

Tonya’s Melt Down

Well Tonya has had another meltdown tonight, and man is it childish how she keeps having these meltdowns. This time, she got all pissed and bent out of shape because Rat got high with me. Tonya had plans on getting Rat back, that way I had no friends. Well guess what bitch you didn’t plan very well now did ya. She’s trying to make it where I am depressed that I will try and take another hit on my own life. Well guess what, it ain’t gonna happen, and if it does, I’ll make sure it succeeds this time, because I have my suicide note written it out detailing everything and who caused it all including my suicide, and it’s addressed to her and everything. Since around 8 this evening when it all went down, Tonya packed her shit again and her and Lawrence went to the car to sleep. Well its now 12:44 in the morning and guess what their back in the house cause it was too hot for them apparently. Guess who’s still alive…ME bitches. I was just talking to my niece about this blog post and she says I’m depressed and thinks that I might take a hit on my own life but I’m not, and I told her but she won’t believe it because I said I was fine the last time and tried to hang myself the next day. But I explained to her that I don’t feel the way I did that time or the times in the past, and that I will be fine but she still don’t believe me.

There’s a reason why I’m not going to also, but it’ll ruin Tonya’s plans of me committing suicide. She wants me out of the picture no matter the costs, that way she can be in control once again of everyone and well that ain’t gonna happen. I don’t tell Rat or mom what they can or can not do, as that is something that she does that way their in her control. Well it isn’t gonna happen.

So here’s to another day of being alive ruining Tonya’s plans.

What’s Next??

What's Next

By JOSHUA CRAVERO

I’m to the point that I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I had some guidance on what to do to make everything in the household normal once again, but where do I go to get the guidance that I need. I have tried everything that I know of on what to do and nothing ever works, it always backfires on me. I try my damnedest to fix everything and Tonya always makes everything backfire and spirals everything out of control as that is what she is known for. I put on a smile everyday thinking that today is going to get better and the only thing that happens is it gets worse than the day before. I have tried to talk to Lawrence and that goes nowhere. I even wrote my brother a letter and got no response out of it. I have turned into the IRS for dependent fraud and nothing has happened to that either.

It seems like that I am living in a space full of darkness where I have to look over my back all the time and sleep with one eye open. I shouldn’t have to live like this or have this feeling in my own home, but I do. I wish there was something that I could do to make the darkness that I feel to just go away and I could have a normal life once again like I used about 2 years ago.

I keep a document on my computer of all the “meltdowns” that Tonya has to use as evidence should I ever need it. I never know what is going to happen the moment I close both of my eyes or stop watching over my back. I will push back as much and as often as I can to prove that I am innocent of any of her accusations.

 

More Drama

By Joshua Cravero

Well there’s more drama in the house and it’s getting old as fuck. Thursday morning Tonya had the balls to call the cops on me and say that I opened a credit card in her name and I hacked her phone. Well guess what nothing was done, as there was no evidence to prove that I done anything. I’m sick and tired of the bitch accusing me of doing shit when I haven’t done anything. Hell I’m the one that has been helping her out and this is how I get repaid. Complete bullshit. Hell I tried texting Lawrence and that sorry son of bitch had the balls to ignore those texts.

Something needs to be done with her. She needs mental help and refuses to go and get it. She’s going to end up hurting someone if not herself (she’s already tried cutting herself). But she refuses and Lawrence goes along with her and won’t do anything and won’t make her get the help she desperately needs. I do know that Lawrence can force her to get the help she needs but he won’t. I think he’s afraid of her that’s why he won’t do anything. But what he don’t realize is that if she hurts herself or someone else that he can be held liable as well.

Just two weeks ago, Tonya had a nice talk with me and telling me that she don’t want me in jail or anything else to happen to me. But yet the bitch goes and does this shit to me when I haven’t done a thing to her.

I wrote Lawrence a nice 2 page letter and informed him that Tonya is no longer my sister nor do I have any respect for her. If she wants anything from me, she has to apologize and mean it. Well that hasn’t happened so the bitch ain’t getting anything from me in the for seeable future.

I’m the type of person that can forgive but I sure as hell won’t forget what she has done to me or my family.

Open Letter to Lawrence

Open Letter to Lawrence

By Joshua Cravero

Lawrence:

I wanna know what’s going on as I never get told anything it seems like anymore. I haven’t done anything to anyone to deserve to be ignored and mistreated. All I do is stay to myself. It would be nice for once if someone came and talked to me and told me what was going on but instead I have to stoop to writing a fucking letter to even try and get a response out of you. I can be in the same room you as you, and you just walk by and ignore me like I done something wrong, why don’t you tell me what I done wrong so I can try to fix it but that won’t happen, as no one will talk to me. You act like anything I bring into the house is too good for you and I don’t know why. You are my family and my blood. You know you really hurt me when I came home Tuesday and seen your car at the fire station so you could donate blood when that is something that me and you always done, but I guess I’m too good to do that with anymore. I get so aggravated as I never know what’s going on or what I’ve done. It seems like I’m the one that has to reach out to my own flesh and blood brother to find out what’s going on, and by writing a letter/note. I get aggravated to where I just wanna give up, but I don’t as I don’t wanna hurt anybody that I care about and love, but it’s like no one cares about me or my feelings and keeps me in the dark. So can you in your free time come and talk to me and tell me what I done to be treated like this as I haven’t done anything to the best of my knowledge. Then this morning while your at work your girlfriend decides to call the police on me on fake shit when I never done a fucking thing to her. I’m tired of the bullshit she keeps pulling on me. After the police leave she comes in slamming the fucking doors like she’s somebody. She ain’t somebody to me anymore. I used to think of her as my sister and now she isn’t a thing to me. I can’t believe you of all people would allow someone to do that to your own blood when I haven’t done a fucking thing. I beyond done with her. Who’s the one that helps her out when she don’t have anything, well those days are fucking done. I’ve tried everything and she’s the one that keeps going off  the deep end. I know she’s trying everything that she can to put me in jail but I’m not doing anything for her satisfaction. I’ve tried and tried and I’m done putting my neck out there. She needs help or she’s gonna end up hurting someone if not herself and your not doing her anygood by allowing her to do this. Your not helping her. I know this because I’ve asked a couple of therapists and that’s what they told me. What I can’t believe is that you take her side even when she is wrong and you have admitted that something is wrong but only she can decide to get the help she desperately needs. But that is wrong, since you’ve been together with her for a long time now (9 years I believe) you can make her get the help she needs, as I also went to the police and I asked and that’s what they told me. She’s already hurt me and you said she don’t have a bone in her body to do that, but you know what she does, because of what she done today. There are legal ramifications that I can pursue against her if I wanted but I’m not because it will hurt you and I’m not the one that likes to hurt others emotionally, the way she does. She is no longer my family nor do I want anything to do with her until she can come to me and apologize for what she has done and I want the apology to mean it when she does or it don’t count. I don’t have to apologize as I haven’t done anything to her. I know she’s trying her damnest to put me in jail for some reason and I want to know why. Oh by the way, you’re the only one that has a key to the back door, and I want a copy as I have a right to have a copy of the key as I live here and a copy of the key of the padlock to the garage as mom is the one that paid for the padlock. She told me about a month ago now and you were there, that she don’t want me to die nor does she want to see me in jail but yet she’s trying to do everything in her power to do just that.

Sincerely your brother,

Joshua Cravero

In My Blood

The lyrics of this song means so much to me, It couldn’t have came on the radio when it did. So take a gander of these lyrics. They are so strong and powerful.

Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you’ll feel better
Just take her home and you’ll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood
I’m looking through my phone again, feeling anxious
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I’m trying to find a way to chill, can’t breathe, oh
Is there somebody who could

Paranoid Schizophrenia

Paranoid Schizophrenia

Paranoid Schizophrenia

Children Need to Grow Up

I can say that I know someone that needs to grow the fuck up and go and get the help they desperately need. I can’t live a life like this and neither can my mother or friend Rat. We are constantly accused of talking about her, supposedly we’ve talked behind her back stating we’re gonna throw her out, and the list just keeps going on. Hell, now she thinks the police and our primary care provider have a conspiracy out to get her. There is something wrong and she needs to get it fixed before she ends up hurting herself or others. Hell she’s done tried to run my brother, her boyfriend, over with the car. 

She is the cause of the drama that goes on daily here at the house and has caused my brother to turn his back on his own family by blood. Due to her drama that is one of the reasons that I tried to hang myself at the beginning of the month as I couldn’t handle the stress and drama anymore and just wanted it to stop somehow and didn’t care how. I’m tired of waking up in fear of what I might get accused of. 

I’m tired of all this drama and them acting like children instead of the adults that they are and supposed to be. Sometimes I’m to the point where I want to just say fuck it and give up like I did at the beginning of the month. I don’t know what to do anymore and don’t know who to ask to help. I’ve had agencies such as Adult Protective Services here to help and it worked for a couple of days and then everything went back to “normal”, her drama she always ends up causing. Hell just the other night my mom goes into the kitchen to do what dished there are and she gets accused of whispering and talking about her while she’s in the bathroom. she was accused of either talking to someone else when I was in bed asleep and Rat was too, and guess what, Lawrence took the bitches side as he always does cause he’s afraid of her and won’t stand his ground.

I’m gonna go on with today and see how it all goes. I already know how most of it is going to go, and it’s with them coming home and ignoring us and refusing to talk to us about anything as mom tried to say good morning and she got completely ignored which is completely bullshit after mom provides them with a roof over their head, cable & internet, electricity, and central air in the summer and all they have to pay is one bill and they can’t even afford that supposedly. So here’s to another drama filled day.

Moving Day

Well, while I was at probation this morning, I guess it became moving day officially. I get back into town and Lawrence is here with Levi and they had just finished packing their shit. Instead of me stopping, I went to the dollar store to get something. I come back from the dollar store and guess what, their gone no one is here but mom and Rat. 

With this moving day, it gave me the opportunity to get some major housework done around the house. I was able to get most of the kitchen cleaned, and now I have the walls to wash and then the kitchen will be all done. Next will be their bedroom, and making sure it is spotless and then moving Rat into that room and getting him all set up so he don’t have to keep sleeping in the living room. 

Also today, I was able to go outside and do some yard work and that felt amazing as it was nice outside. I’m glad I got what I done done as it started to rain. I ended up getting all this done by 2 in the afternoon. 

I ended up laying down to take a nap, and got up around 5 this evening and to my surprise their back, but sitting in the car as its pouring outside and sat out there for over an hour that I know of. While they were outside sitting in the rain, I was able to get supper fixed for me, mom, rat, and my niece. I ended up making sausage gravy and biscuits for supper and to top it off it was all made from scratch, none of that processed canned shit. 

Friendships!

Friendships is one thing that I pride myself on. There is one friendship that I don’t have and I wish that I did have and miss. That was one friend that I could always go to when I had a problem and no one would ever listen to me when I needed someone to listen but he would. Yes there are things that he done/does that I don’t approve of, but no matter what I will always be there for him no matter what anybody says because that is what friendships are about.

I get told on a daily basis that this wasn’t a friendship or anything. It was just him using me to get whatever he needed or wanted. But you know what if that’s what it was, then it was, I don’t really care. I haven’t heard from him since around my birthday when I got out of jail and seen him in Casey’s and exchanged a few texts. Then I got a new phone and number and I lost his number.

This is one friendship that I wish I still had and wouldn’t change anything about the friendship that we had. We grew up together and were like brothers. I constantly hear negative things about him or what he is doing or has done but, that is something that I don’t believe. People say I don’t believe because I don’t want to believe it. That’s far from the truth, it’s not that I don’t want to believe, it’s I DON’T BELIEVE IT!!

I don’t trust my life with anyone really even my own mother, but I trust my life with him. There are only two people I trust my life with and that’s him and my other best friend. Sometimes I just want to see how he’s doing, hell with the sometimes, I wanna know all the time, because I worry about him. People don’t understand what I see in him, well I see a friend, someone that’s been hurt (several times), someone that needs a friend (a true friend).

They always say, friends come and go. Well you know what that may be true, but this is one friend never goes. I always wonder how he is and if he’s ok. I wrote him in prison and worried about him when he was in prison. Yea me may not look like that person I used to know, but looks aren’t anything, it’s what’s inside that matters and that never changes. He will always have a good heart and help whoever he can when he can as he did for me on several occasions.

I do know I would’ve pissed a lot of people off if I would’ve had to have surgery on my knee. Because that’s one person I would want there because he would be the one to push me to get better and to not be a pussy about it.

Pulled one Over?

Well some people think that they pulled on over on me? Well I got news for them they didn’t get shit pulled over over me. They tried to change my cable plan and services that I received from the cable company and guess what I got the services back that I originally had and even had them removed from the account as an authorized person on the account that I never even authorized. Hell I even put a pin on the account so that this shit can’t happen again and no one can call in and make changes to the account or even talk to a representative about my account. I never thought that I would ever have to do anything so drastic like this, but I guess, I have to. So its time to call all of the companies I deal with and put passwords on the accounts so no one can make account changes on my services. Try pulling another one on me again and make excuses cuz it isn’t gonna work.