Carle Foundation Hospital

Well recently I was in Champaign at Carle Foundation Hospital with my Aunt as she was transferred there from another hospital for low sodium levels. We ended up spending a week there in the hospital getting her sodium levels back up into the normal ranges. While we were there, my aunt had a total of three doctors, a hospitalist, endocrinologist, and a nephrologist. They were doing lab work on her every four hours and checking her vitals and blood sugar every four hours as well. We finally got all her levels back to normal was able to be discharged from the hospital yesterday.

People say that I wasn’t in the hospital, but in reality I was, as I literally stayed there with her the whole time that she was admitted into the hospital. I can say that Carle Foundation Hospital in the best hospital around, by all our local hospitals that we have. While I was staying with my aunt in the hospital, I had people talking, saying that it shouldn’t be me staying with her and that it should be someone else. Well you know what it was my choice to go and stay with her, I was the one that stepped up before anyone could. Whenever my aunt is in the hospital, I am the one that stays with her and takes care of her. She is my world and she is the one that lights up my world. I don’t know what I would do without her as she means the world to me.

I just wish that people would stay out of my business and put their nose somewhere else where it don’t belong like they do.

So here’s to my stay in Champaign.


Pride 2018

Well I recently went to Pride for the first time in my life to celebrate LGBT history and events. Chicago Pride has always been on my bucket list, and let me tell ya it surpassed my expectations that I have had. It was simply the best parade that I have ever attended. All the parades that I have been to are pretty mediocre compared to the Chicago Pride Parade they have had annually for 49 years now. I can not wait until next year for their 50th parade celebration.


Iroquois Democrats

Well next week will be a new experience for me. This is will be my first attendance record of Iroquois Democrats. I’ve shown my support in many others and have also had ideas and gave them to the Chairman of Iroquois Democrats. After my first attendance I will let you know how it went and how else I will be supporting the Iroquois County Democrats.

Democracy is something that we need and have to have in order to survive here in the United States of America. with the current Administration we don’t have that anymore, and we have a civic duty to turn red to blue and that is a change that I am willing to help with. If it starts at a local level, that means we can change it at the national level as well.

It’s the Weekend



Well it’s almost the weekend and time to sleep in. I love being able to lounge around occasionally on the weekends and just stay in bed and Netflix and chill. This weekend is going to be one of those weekends where I stay in bed and chill. But before I can start any of that I have one thing that I must do first today and that is to go to my first therapy appointment to deal with my bipolar and suicidal ideations that I have but thankfully my suicidal ideations have went down all thanks to my medications being adjusted and medications being added to my regimen.

I have never went through therapy before, so this will be something new for me that I haven’t experienced before and there will be a post all about that and how it went and if I like my therapist and whether I will continue to seek the therapy that I need at this facility or if I will seek another facility for this.

So here’s to a weekend in bed and relaxation.

Much love

What’s Next??

What's Next


I’m to the point that I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I had some guidance on what to do to make everything in the household normal once again, but where do I go to get the guidance that I need. I have tried everything that I know of on what to do and nothing ever works, it always backfires on me. I try my damnedest to fix everything and Tonya always makes everything backfire and spirals everything out of control as that is what she is known for. I put on a smile everyday thinking that today is going to get better and the only thing that happens is it gets worse than the day before. I have tried to talk to Lawrence and that goes nowhere. I even wrote my brother a letter and got no response out of it. I have turned into the IRS for dependent fraud and nothing has happened to that either.

It seems like that I am living in a space full of darkness where I have to look over my back all the time and sleep with one eye open. I shouldn’t have to live like this or have this feeling in my own home, but I do. I wish there was something that I could do to make the darkness that I feel to just go away and I could have a normal life once again like I used about 2 years ago.

I keep a document on my computer of all the “meltdowns” that Tonya has to use as evidence should I ever need it. I never know what is going to happen the moment I close both of my eyes or stop watching over my back. I will push back as much and as often as I can to prove that I am innocent of any of her accusations.


More Drama

By Joshua Cravero

Well there’s more drama in the house and it’s getting old as fuck. Thursday morning Tonya had the balls to call the cops on me and say that I opened a credit card in her name and I hacked her phone. Well guess what nothing was done, as there was no evidence to prove that I done anything. I’m sick and tired of the bitch accusing me of doing shit when I haven’t done anything. Hell I’m the one that has been helping her out and this is how I get repaid. Complete bullshit. Hell I tried texting Lawrence and that sorry son of bitch had the balls to ignore those texts.

Something needs to be done with her. She needs mental help and refuses to go and get it. She’s going to end up hurting someone if not herself (she’s already tried cutting herself). But she refuses and Lawrence goes along with her and won’t do anything and won’t make her get the help she desperately needs. I do know that Lawrence can force her to get the help she needs but he won’t. I think he’s afraid of her that’s why he won’t do anything. But what he don’t realize is that if she hurts herself or someone else that he can be held liable as well.

Just two weeks ago, Tonya had a nice talk with me and telling me that she don’t want me in jail or anything else to happen to me. But yet the bitch goes and does this shit to me when I haven’t done a thing to her.

I wrote Lawrence a nice 2 page letter and informed him that Tonya is no longer my sister nor do I have any respect for her. If she wants anything from me, she has to apologize and mean it. Well that hasn’t happened so the bitch ain’t getting anything from me in the for seeable future.

I’m the type of person that can forgive but I sure as hell won’t forget what she has done to me or my family.

Open Letter to Lawrence

Open Letter to Lawrence

By Joshua Cravero


I wanna know what’s going on as I never get told anything it seems like anymore. I haven’t done anything to anyone to deserve to be ignored and mistreated. All I do is stay to myself. It would be nice for once if someone came and talked to me and told me what was going on but instead I have to stoop to writing a fucking letter to even try and get a response out of you. I can be in the same room you as you, and you just walk by and ignore me like I done something wrong, why don’t you tell me what I done wrong so I can try to fix it but that won’t happen, as no one will talk to me. You act like anything I bring into the house is too good for you and I don’t know why. You are my family and my blood. You know you really hurt me when I came home Tuesday and seen your car at the fire station so you could donate blood when that is something that me and you always done, but I guess I’m too good to do that with anymore. I get so aggravated as I never know what’s going on or what I’ve done. It seems like I’m the one that has to reach out to my own flesh and blood brother to find out what’s going on, and by writing a letter/note. I get aggravated to where I just wanna give up, but I don’t as I don’t wanna hurt anybody that I care about and love, but it’s like no one cares about me or my feelings and keeps me in the dark. So can you in your free time come and talk to me and tell me what I done to be treated like this as I haven’t done anything to the best of my knowledge. Then this morning while your at work your girlfriend decides to call the police on me on fake shit when I never done a fucking thing to her. I’m tired of the bullshit she keeps pulling on me. After the police leave she comes in slamming the fucking doors like she’s somebody. She ain’t somebody to me anymore. I used to think of her as my sister and now she isn’t a thing to me. I can’t believe you of all people would allow someone to do that to your own blood when I haven’t done a fucking thing. I beyond done with her. Who’s the one that helps her out when she don’t have anything, well those days are fucking done. I’ve tried everything and she’s the one that keeps going off  the deep end. I know she’s trying everything that she can to put me in jail but I’m not doing anything for her satisfaction. I’ve tried and tried and I’m done putting my neck out there. She needs help or she’s gonna end up hurting someone if not herself and your not doing her anygood by allowing her to do this. Your not helping her. I know this because I’ve asked a couple of therapists and that’s what they told me. What I can’t believe is that you take her side even when she is wrong and you have admitted that something is wrong but only she can decide to get the help she desperately needs. But that is wrong, since you’ve been together with her for a long time now (9 years I believe) you can make her get the help she needs, as I also went to the police and I asked and that’s what they told me. She’s already hurt me and you said she don’t have a bone in her body to do that, but you know what she does, because of what she done today. There are legal ramifications that I can pursue against her if I wanted but I’m not because it will hurt you and I’m not the one that likes to hurt others emotionally, the way she does. She is no longer my family nor do I want anything to do with her until she can come to me and apologize for what she has done and I want the apology to mean it when she does or it don’t count. I don’t have to apologize as I haven’t done anything to her. I know she’s trying her damnest to put me in jail for some reason and I want to know why. Oh by the way, you’re the only one that has a key to the back door, and I want a copy as I have a right to have a copy of the key as I live here and a copy of the key of the padlock to the garage as mom is the one that paid for the padlock. She told me about a month ago now and you were there, that she don’t want me to die nor does she want to see me in jail but yet she’s trying to do everything in her power to do just that.

Sincerely your brother,

Joshua Cravero

Need Help? Don’t Count On It

Need Help? Don’t Count On It

I just love it when you try to seek the help that you are in need of but nobody wants to help you. I have been trying to seek therapy services from my local crisis center since my suicide attempt in April and I haven’t had any success in the matter. Instead I get a form letter in the mail telling me that they have closed my case without any explanation, and when I called for an explanation no could even provide that simple little answer to my question. I was informed that while I was in the hospital that Crosspoint would accept and guess, what all I have had is issues trying to get them to help me. I make phone calls after phone calls and get nowhere with it.

I knew I needed the help before my suicide attempt, and tried to get the help elsewhere and was rejected by giving the excuse that insurance won’t pay for individual therapy services. I then feel the suicidal ideations coming even stronger, so I call crisis like I’m supposed to, and they advised me that there is nothing that they can do unless I make an attempt on my life. So right there it tells ya kill yourself and if you make we’ll help ya and then you do, and still in the same boat. If I had known that I would be getting rejected from getting the much needed help that I need, I would’ve said fuck it instead of wasting peoples much more needed time. I thought the point of human services was to help you when you are down, but I guess it isn’t. I’m just tired of trying to find the help and have no one want to help Sometimes, I believe that everything will be much better when I’m not around, as I can’t get the simplest thing done for myself, and that’s mental health help. Yes, I have mental health issues and need the help but who’s really gonna help me? No one. All you ever hear is that, “you’re important”, “we’ll get you some help”, and the list goes on, and in reality no one does and I’m not important.

I have self-worth issues and feeling my I’m worthless and that there’s no point of me being here. I understand I have these issues. Therapy is supposed to help you understand your problems and how to correct them. Therapy is supposed to help you find your triggers, and I still have yet to find my triggers for my suicidal ideations.

I’ve went through four different organizations to seek therapy services with psychiatric doctors recommendation and referral for the services and get turned away, either because of insurance (even though they pay for it), close your case and don’t know why, or you’re an offender and they don’t provide services to offenders.

Why I Smoke?



Why I Use It


I can say that the opposition of Marijuana has started to dwindle down in the past few years it seems like to me. I can remember when I was young that it didn’t matter how much marijuana or drug paraphilia would wind you up in jail immediately. Today depending on the amounts that you have on your person you just get a civil ticket instead of a criminal ticket. But the legality of this isn’t the reason for why I smoke marijuana recreationally. 

The main reason that I do smoke it recreationally is for medical purposes. I have a lot of anxiety here lately where I’m living because I never know what to say to people as it might offend them/piss them off, and I all have to do is say hello. As some of you know I have been diagnosed with having a mental illness, Bipolar disorder 1. With my bipolar I have problems trying to sleep at night and yes I am prescribed medications to help me sleep but they don’t work sometimes, and therefore I smoke a bowl of marijuana and then I am ready to go to bed and I usually have a decent night of sleep. Plus by smoking this, I don’t wake up feeling fuzy all day like I do when I take my prescription medications to help me sleep at night. 

You might ask me why I don’t just go and get a medical card for marijuana use and smoke it the legal way. Well I can’t, for a couple of reasons. The first reason is that they don’t offer medical marijuana legally for my issues that I have. Two I’m a felon, and felons can’t apply for the medical card. Also, insurance and state insurance doesn’t pay for it and you have to pay for it out of your own pocket and the medical marijuana is much more expensive then the street. But soon I won’t have to worry about getting the medical card as it was approved to be on the November Primary on approving it for recreational use. Should it pass, as a lot of people (opposition) are saying it will, I will be able to get it and have it legally and not have to worry about the legalities of it. 

In My Blood

The lyrics of this song means so much to me, It couldn’t have came on the radio when it did. So take a gander of these lyrics. They are so strong and powerful.

Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you’ll feel better
Just take her home and you’ll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood
I’m looking through my phone again, feeling anxious
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I’m trying to find a way to chill, can’t breathe, oh
Is there somebody who could