9\11

Today is September 11. Today we honor the lives lost and the lives affected by the horrendous acts that happened on September 11, 2001.

Still to this day I can remember where I was and what I was doing on this day. I was sitting in the school cafeteria serving an in school suspension for having too many detentions. The was chaotic when it happened and went on a lock down. Teachers and students were all over the school in a panic. I ended up stopping one of my friends to find out what was going on as I wasn’t in the loop of the purpose of the chaos. There was students and staff that had family and friends working in the Twin Towers. When they finally realized I was still in cafeteria the principal had me go back to class. We had just had new TV’s installed in all the classrooms and it was being broadcast all over the school on the news channels that we watched after lunch.

Champaign-Urbana Pride

Well yesterday I was able to attend Champaign-Urbana’s pride celebration and a couple LGBT panels, which one was sponsorored by Equality Illinois. The panel was very insightful into what they do for us and how they lobby to get policy and laws changed and created so that we don’t have to have any fear. After attending the panels I was able to attend and watch the Pride Parade. One of the things that I learned and didn’t know about was the panic defense against gays. Where someone can potentially getting a lessor sentence or lessor charge by claiming that they were provoked by a gay/lesbian.

There was so many entries in the pride parade. One of the amazing things I saw in the parade and didn’t know they supported LGBT community was Wal-Mart & Sam’s Club as they had a float in the parade. I always thought that they supported the community but never really saw it. The reason I point this out is because when I went to the Chicago Pride, which is a big national parade, Wal-Mart wasn’t in it.

Then I got to see the amazing T-Mobile car sitting in the lot and it was cool.

But I couldn’t have been able to attend this pride nor Chicago’s pride, without an amazing friend Dale. I know that if I’m having mental problems that I have someone else in my corner to talk to if I need it. So thanks Dale for the amazing opportunities you have shown me and continue to do so.

National Suicide Prevention Week

Well this week is National Suicide Prevention week and World Day of Suicide Prevention.

I can say that we need better resources in our communities to help with this epidemic. I don’t get any help except for my primary care provider as there aren’t resources unless I travel an hour away from home and to get the resources your on a 3 month waiting list and sometimes even longer than that. I am no stranger to Suicide as I have attempted it three times and need the help. I also know of others that have attempted it and need the help. We just can’t access the help that is needed as it isn’t here. We need to come together nationally, as a state, and as a world to help combat this epidemic. In Illinois alone the Suicide rates have went up 11% in the past year. At the national level our members of congress of all parties needs to come together and create a bipartisan plan to help with this.

There are literally thousands of people in prison and jails that don’t need locked up all because they can get the resources they need (mental health). Do you know the cost of that being locked just to get the resources needed. It’s around $31000 per inmate. Outside it is much cheaper than that. We would all come together we could combat this and eradicate it.

So here’s to Suicide Prevention Week and World Day of Suicide.

Us victims hope for a better day everyday.

Boy George and the Culture Club

Well I can say that this was an experience of my lifetime. I couldn’t have asked for a better evening with two amazing friends. I was able to see Boy George & and the Culture Club, B52s, and The Thompson Twins- Tom Bailey.

What made it even better was having the thunderstorms and getting soaked from it all as we didn’t bring any umbrellas or ponchos and he gift shop was sold out when we went in and then Charles goes back in and they bring out more ponchos and got us all a poncho so we could dry off.

While drying off we were able to get closer to the pavilion and see Boy George up close (atleast on the video screen). This evening had been one of a kind and the best.

Boy George and the Culture Club

I can say that this weekend is goin to be amazing. As I am going to Highland Park to Ravinia Festival to see Boy George, B-52s. I have never been to Ravinia Festival so this will be a first time for me and this makes it as my second concert in my life that I have ever been to.

Since joining Rainbow Cafe, I have been experiencing events that I have never gotten to experience in my life and am so grateful for the group and what they do for the LGBTQ community.

I call these people my family and my friends. I also want to thank a great friend Dale. If it wasn’t for him none of this would be possible for me to attend and for me to experience all these wonderful adventures.

September I can say is an eventful month besides having this amazing concert.

I can say that life is looking up and forward and am glad that I have the friends I do in my life because without them I don’t know where I would be.

My last post was pretty depressing but you know what I’m not depressed and it’s all thanks to my amazing friends at Rainbow Cafe.

So here’s until the concert and I will make sure to post pictures and all the happening during the event as well as upcoming events that are planned for the month of September.

With all of these events going on I’ve decided to start planning my birthday although it’s in the winter and there isn’t shit to do but I will figure something out as you only turn 30 once haha. I know whatever I plan that I will be inviting my amazing friends from Rainbow.

So here’s until my next post.

Much love to you all.

Josh

I Just Wanna Die

I Just Wanna Die

I’m to the point that I don’t wanna live anymore and just wanna die. I’m tired of this life that I am living and having no one in my life that even cares. There’s a song out there that I love, and it’s 1-800-273-8255 by Logic. It is simply how I feel right now, and I am playing it on repeat on YouTube.

I’m sitting at home with no running water or even gas to cook as my brother let it get shut off and he isn’t even trying to get it turned back on. He has no care about me nor his own mother, his fleshing blood. He would rather have care for his girlfriend’s family instead of his own when we are the one’s that are always there for him, even when his current girlfriend left him for another guy, we were the ones there for him, not her family.

I’m so done, I don’t know what to do anymore and wish I did. These are my favorite lyrics of the song:

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
(Who can relate? Woo!)
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die today
I just wanna die
I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die
And let me tell you why

All this other shit I’m talkin’ ’bout they think they know it
I’ve been praying for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic
And my life don’t even matter, I know it, I know it
I know I’m hurting deep down but can’t show it
I never had a place to call my own
I never had a home, ain’t nobody callin’ my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind?
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
(Who can relate? Woo!)
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I think that today I’m gonna go on a very long walk to the train tressel and just sit there and relax and be away from everything and be able to think. Maybe a train will come and smash me to smithereens. That would be the best of my life.

Tonya’s Melt Down

Well Tonya has had another meltdown tonight, and man is it childish how she keeps having these meltdowns. This time, she got all pissed and bent out of shape because Rat got high with me. Tonya had plans on getting Rat back, that way I had no friends. Well guess what bitch you didn’t plan very well now did ya. She’s trying to make it where I am depressed that I will try and take another hit on my own life. Well guess what, it ain’t gonna happen, and if it does, I’ll make sure it succeeds this time, because I have my suicide note written it out detailing everything and who caused it all including my suicide, and it’s addressed to her and everything. Since around 8 this evening when it all went down, Tonya packed her shit again and her and Lawrence went to the car to sleep. Well its now 12:44 in the morning and guess what their back in the house cause it was too hot for them apparently. Guess who’s still alive…ME bitches. I was just talking to my niece about this blog post and she says I’m depressed and thinks that I might take a hit on my own life but I’m not, and I told her but she won’t believe it because I said I was fine the last time and tried to hang myself the next day. But I explained to her that I don’t feel the way I did that time or the times in the past, and that I will be fine but she still don’t believe me.

There’s a reason why I’m not going to also, but it’ll ruin Tonya’s plans of me committing suicide. She wants me out of the picture no matter the costs, that way she can be in control once again of everyone and well that ain’t gonna happen. I don’t tell Rat or mom what they can or can not do, as that is something that she does that way their in her control. Well it isn’t gonna happen.

So here’s to another day of being alive ruining Tonya’s plans.

Depression Stil Here

Well my depression is still here and it has been 3 days so far that I have been stuck in bed and not have any cares in the world. This depression thing really sucks but I look at it as a way to recoup from all of the mania that I get to experience. So I think in the next couple days I will have everything back to my normal, which is having my mania. I wish I had something that was in between because that would satisfy my mania and depression and would be in my opinion “normal”.

I was told today that my mom said that she feels that I’m going to make another suicide attempt, as when I get like this I make an attempt. Which I don’t think that I will make another attempt on my life, atleast during this spat of depression. I’m not at depressed or stressed like I was the last time. Atleast someone here in the house is acknowledging of when I usually make an attempt on my life, but wrong timing. Have I thought of committing suicide recently? Yes I have and think about it everyday, as sometimes I have my mind believing that everyone would be better off without me as all I am is a burden to them. But I can’t say for sure that I wouldn’t make an attempt on my life, because the last time I did I told my primary care provider that I wasn’t that bad and two days later I tried to hang myself.

So here’s to another couple days of depression and then here comes the mania, as I can already feel some of the effects of mania coming on.

Give an update on my mental health in a couple days…

Depression Strikes Back

Well part of my Bipolar has made a comeback. The past couple of days all I have done is stay in bed and completely ignore everyone. I have just wanted to be myself and no one understands that. I wish the depression would go away and never come back and just have to deal with the mania, but I know that won’t happen. I have my highs and then I have my lows. When I have my lows, it is the worst feeling ever. I just stay in bed all covered up and not give to fucks in the world of what is going on around me. I want to be left alone and be by myself. People don’t understand my disease, after dealing with my mania, which I would prefer to do, I have to deal with my lows which is something that I don’t wish on anyone even my worst enemy.

I think I know what triggered my low this time. I just wish it wasn’t that and that my low would hurry up and go away so that I can have my mania back and be back to normal. It’s currently 4:24 in the morning as I am writing this and I can not sleep. I am restless as fuck, and it’s getting old. I tried taking my medications that are prescribed to me to help me sleep and they aren’t working, and I even tried to get high as that usually helps me sleep and still nothing. I am writing this as I am wide awake but want to sleep.

So here’s to my depression being back.