Well Tonya has had another meltdown tonight, and man is it childish how she keeps having these meltdowns. This time, she got all pissed and bent out of shape because Rat got high with me. Tonya had plans on getting Rat back, that way I had no friends. Well guess what bitch you didn’t plan very well now did ya. She’s trying to make it where I am depressed that I will try and take another hit on my own life. Well guess what, it ain’t gonna happen, and if it does, I’ll make sure it succeeds this time, because I have my suicide note written it out detailing everything and who caused it all including my suicide, and it’s addressed to her and everything. Since around 8 this evening when it all went down, Tonya packed her shit again and her and Lawrence went to the car to sleep. Well its now 12:44 in the morning and guess what their back in the house cause it was too hot for them apparently. Guess who’s still alive…ME bitches. I was just talking to my niece about this blog post and she says I’m depressed and thinks that I might take a hit on my own life but I’m not, and I told her but she won’t believe it because I said I was fine the last time and tried to hang myself the next day. But I explained to her that I don’t feel the way I did that time or the times in the past, and that I will be fine but she still don’t believe me.
There’s a reason why I’m not going to also, but it’ll ruin Tonya’s plans of me committing suicide. She wants me out of the picture no matter the costs, that way she can be in control once again of everyone and well that ain’t gonna happen. I don’t tell Rat or mom what they can or can not do, as that is something that she does that way their in her control. Well it isn’t gonna happen.
So here’s to another day of being alive ruining Tonya’s plans.
Well my depression is still here and it has been 3 days so far that I have been stuck in bed and not have any cares in the world. This depression thing really sucks but I look at it as a way to recoup from all of the mania that I get to experience. So I think in the next couple days I will have everything back to my normal, which is having my mania. I wish I had something that was in between because that would satisfy my mania and depression and would be in my opinion “normal”.
I was told today that my mom said that she feels that I’m going to make another suicide attempt, as when I get like this I make an attempt. Which I don’t think that I will make another attempt on my life, atleast during this spat of depression. I’m not at depressed or stressed like I was the last time. Atleast someone here in the house is acknowledging of when I usually make an attempt on my life, but wrong timing. Have I thought of committing suicide recently? Yes I have and think about it everyday, as sometimes I have my mind believing that everyone would be better off without me as all I am is a burden to them. But I can’t say for sure that I wouldn’t make an attempt on my life, because the last time I did I told my primary care provider that I wasn’t that bad and two days later I tried to hang myself.
So here’s to another couple days of depression and then here comes the mania, as I can already feel some of the effects of mania coming on.
Give an update on my mental health in a couple days…
Well part of my Bipolar has made a comeback. The past couple of days all I have done is stay in bed and completely ignore everyone. I have just wanted to be myself and no one understands that. I wish the depression would go away and never come back and just have to deal with the mania, but I know that won’t happen. I have my highs and then I have my lows. When I have my lows, it is the worst feeling ever. I just stay in bed all covered up and not give to fucks in the world of what is going on around me. I want to be left alone and be by myself. People don’t understand my disease, after dealing with my mania, which I would prefer to do, I have to deal with my lows which is something that I don’t wish on anyone even my worst enemy.
I think I know what triggered my low this time. I just wish it wasn’t that and that my low would hurry up and go away so that I can have my mania back and be back to normal. It’s currently 4:24 in the morning as I am writing this and I can not sleep. I am restless as fuck, and it’s getting old. I tried taking my medications that are prescribed to me to help me sleep and they aren’t working, and I even tried to get high as that usually helps me sleep and still nothing. I am writing this as I am wide awake but want to sleep.
Well recently I was in Champaign at Carle Foundation Hospital with my Aunt as she was transferred there from another hospital for low sodium levels. We ended up spending a week there in the hospital getting her sodium levels back up into the normal ranges. While we were there, my aunt had a total of three doctors, a hospitalist, endocrinologist, and a nephrologist. They were doing lab work on her every four hours and checking her vitals and blood sugar every four hours as well. We finally got all her levels back to normal was able to be discharged from the hospital yesterday.
People say that I wasn’t in the hospital, but in reality I was, as I literally stayed there with her the whole time that she was admitted into the hospital. I can say that Carle Foundation Hospital in the best hospital around, by all our local hospitals that we have. While I was staying with my aunt in the hospital, I had people talking, saying that it shouldn’t be me staying with her and that it should be someone else. Well you know what it was my choice to go and stay with her, I was the one that stepped up before anyone could. Whenever my aunt is in the hospital, I am the one that stays with her and takes care of her. She is my world and she is the one that lights up my world. I don’t know what I would do without her as she means the world to me.
I just wish that people would stay out of my business and put their nose somewhere else where it don’t belong like they do.
Well I recently went to Pride for the first time in my life to celebrate LGBT history and events. Chicago Pride has always been on my bucket list, and let me tell ya it surpassed my expectations that I have had. It was simply the best parade that I have ever attended. All the parades that I have been to are pretty mediocre compared to the Chicago Pride Parade they have had annually for 49 years now. I can not wait until next year for their 50th parade celebration.
Well next week will be a new experience for me. This is will be my first attendance record of Iroquois Democrats. I’ve shown my support in many others and have also had ideas and gave them to the Chairman of Iroquois Democrats. After my first attendance I will let you know how it went and how else I will be supporting the Iroquois County Democrats.
Democracy is something that we need and have to have in order to survive here in the United States of America. with the current Administration we don’t have that anymore, and we have a civic duty to turn red to blue and that is a change that I am willing to help with. If it starts at a local level, that means we can change it at the national level as well.
Well it’s almost the weekend and time to sleep in. I love being able to lounge around occasionally on the weekends and just stay in bed and Netflix and chill. This weekend is going to be one of those weekends where I stay in bed and chill. But before I can start any of that I have one thing that I must do first today and that is to go to my first therapy appointment to deal with my bipolar and suicidal ideations that I have but thankfully my suicidal ideations have went down all thanks to my medications being adjusted and medications being added to my regimen.
I have never went through therapy before, so this will be something new for me that I haven’t experienced before and there will be a post all about that and how it went and if I like my therapist and whether I will continue to seek the therapy that I need at this facility or if I will seek another facility for this.
I’m to the point that I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I had some guidance on what to do to make everything in the household normal once again, but where do I go to get the guidance that I need. I have tried everything that I know of on what to do and nothing ever works, it always backfires on me. I try my damnedest to fix everything and Tonya always makes everything backfire and spirals everything out of control as that is what she is known for. I put on a smile everyday thinking that today is going to get better and the only thing that happens is it gets worse than the day before. I have tried to talk to Lawrence and that goes nowhere. I even wrote my brother a letter and got no response out of it. I have turned into the IRS for dependent fraud and nothing has happened to that either.
It seems like that I am living in a space full of darkness where I have to look over my back all the time and sleep with one eye open. I shouldn’t have to live like this or have this feeling in my own home, but I do. I wish there was something that I could do to make the darkness that I feel to just go away and I could have a normal life once again like I used about 2 years ago.
I keep a document on my computer of all the “meltdowns” that Tonya has to use as evidence should I ever need it. I never know what is going to happen the moment I close both of my eyes or stop watching over my back. I will push back as much and as often as I can to prove that I am innocent of any of her accusations.
Well there’s more drama in the house and it’s getting old as fuck. Thursday morning Tonya had the balls to call the cops on me and say that I opened a credit card in her name and I hacked her phone. Well guess what nothing was done, as there was no evidence to prove that I done anything. I’m sick and tired of the bitch accusing me of doing shit when I haven’t done anything. Hell I’m the one that has been helping her out and this is how I get repaid. Complete bullshit. Hell I tried texting Lawrence and that sorry son of bitch had the balls to ignore those texts.
Something needs to be done with her. She needs mental help and refuses to go and get it. She’s going to end up hurting someone if not herself (she’s already tried cutting herself). But she refuses and Lawrence goes along with her and won’t do anything and won’t make her get the help she desperately needs. I do know that Lawrence can force her to get the help she needs but he won’t. I think he’s afraid of her that’s why he won’t do anything. But what he don’t realize is that if she hurts herself or someone else that he can be held liable as well.
Just two weeks ago, Tonya had a nice talk with me and telling me that she don’t want me in jail or anything else to happen to me. But yet the bitch goes and does this shit to me when I haven’t done a thing to her.
I wrote Lawrence a nice 2 page letter and informed him that Tonya is no longer my sister nor do I have any respect for her. If she wants anything from me, she has to apologize and mean it. Well that hasn’t happened so the bitch ain’t getting anything from me in the for seeable future.
I’m the type of person that can forgive but I sure as hell won’t forget what she has done to me or my family.
I wanna know what’s going on as I never get told anything it seems like anymore. I haven’t done anything to anyone to deserve to be ignored and mistreated. All I do is stay to myself. It would be nice for once if someone came and talked to me and told me what was going on but instead I have to stoop to writing a fucking letter to even try and get a response out of you. I can be in the same room you as you, and you just walk by and ignore me like I done something wrong, why don’t you tell me what I done wrong so I can try to fix it but that won’t happen, as no one will talk to me. You act like anything I bring into the house is too good for you and I don’t know why. You are my family and my blood. You know you really hurt me when I came home Tuesday and seen your car at the fire station so you could donate blood when that is something that me and you always done, but I guess I’m too good to do that with anymore. I get so aggravated as I never know what’s going on or what I’ve done. It seems like I’m the one that has to reach out to my own flesh and blood brother to find out what’s going on, and by writing a letter/note. I get aggravated to where I just wanna give up, but I don’t as I don’t wanna hurt anybody that I care about and love, but it’s like no one cares about me or my feelings and keeps me in the dark. So can you in your free time come and talk to me and tell me what I done to be treated like this as I haven’t done anything to the best of my knowledge. Then this morning while your at work your girlfriend decides to call the police on me on fake shit when I never done a fucking thing to her. I’m tired of the bullshit she keeps pulling on me. After the police leave she comes in slamming the fucking doors like she’s somebody. She ain’t somebody to me anymore. I used to think of her as my sister and now she isn’t a thing to me. I can’t believe you of all people would allow someone to do that to your own blood when I haven’t done a fucking thing. I beyond done with her. Who’s the one that helps her out when she don’t have anything, well those days are fucking done. I’ve tried everything and she’s the one that keeps going off the deep end. I know she’s trying everything that she can to put me in jail but I’m not doing anything for her satisfaction. I’ve tried and tried and I’m done putting my neck out there. She needs help or she’s gonna end up hurting someone if not herself and your not doing her anygood by allowing her to do this. Your not helping her. I know this because I’ve asked a couple of therapists and that’s what they told me. What I can’t believe is that you take her side even when she is wrong and you have admitted that something is wrong but only she can decide to get the help she desperately needs. But that is wrong, since you’ve been together with her for a long time now (9 years I believe) you can make her get the help she needs, as I also went to the police and I asked and that’s what they told me. She’s already hurt me and you said she don’t have a bone in her body to do that, but you know what she does, because of what she done today. There are legal ramifications that I can pursue against her if I wanted but I’m not because it will hurt you and I’m not the one that likes to hurt others emotionally, the way she does. She is no longer my family nor do I want anything to do with her until she can come to me and apologize for what she has done and I want the apology to mean it when she does or it don’t count. I don’t have to apologize as I haven’t done anything to her. I know she’s trying her damnest to put me in jail for some reason and I want to know why. Oh by the way, you’re the only one that has a key to the back door, and I want a copy as I have a right to have a copy of the key as I live here and a copy of the key of the padlock to the garage as mom is the one that paid for the padlock. She told me about a month ago now and you were there, that she don’t want me to die nor does she want to see me in jail but yet she’s trying to do everything in her power to do just that.